Results: Lookout, Writing: Archer

Lana: 31 YO, 5’7 (1.70 m), 0-1-0 since 2015, Free Agent

Amy: 35 YO, 5’7 (1.70 m), 0-1-0 since 2016, Free Agent

Before: To the casual FCBA fan this catchweight bout seems a puzzle, but insiders explains this is really a blazing hot apartment house wrestling feud come to celebrity boxing. As these insiders tell it, the bantamweight singer Lana Del Rey has been giving the lightweight comic/actress Amy Schumer fits on the carpet. Not only has she been able to wear the bigger Amy down and then finish her off, she’s increasingly rubbed Amy’s face in it (or, more precisely rubbed her posterior into Amy’s face with a facesit). Neither one of them stirred up much attention with their boxing debuts earlier in the year, but they sure do stir up attention as they are obliged to appear together to promote this Celebrity Boxing After Dark bout.

“I hate that cheating brunette tramp!” cries Amy, setting the tone for the event. “I’m going to smash her through the ring! I may tell jokes, but I sure don’t like being made one by her!”

“She’s a whiner! She’s too big for someone as quick and intelligent like me!” declares Lana. “All she can do is talk big and then end up crying on the carper—er—canvas! She’s just another big gutless chicken!”

Amy is infuriated at these insults and hurls a pitcher of water into Lana’s face. Lana shrieks in fury and lets fly with the water of her own handy pitcher. Now Amy is howling in water-soaked rage and the two get into a clothes-ripping, hair-pulling and dirty punching catfight. Security makes a belated appearance to drag the pair apart. Apart from hair and wardrobe, not much damage has been done, but suddenly people who never heard of these two in the ring are interested in what happens next.

Come fight night Amy is in her red strapless Vanity Fair magazine one piece suit with red gloves (no boots, fight as been stipulated as a barefoot match) while Lana is in a white strapless one piece with matching gloves. Both wearing hair long and loose. Glowering at each other as referee recites his instructions, Lana and Amy get into a bodying-up grinding test-of-strength once official is done. The ref sternly orders them to their corners. They go, but the minute the bell rings, they are out and at one another.

R1: No surprise that there is plenty of wild punching in this opening round. Both fighters go for the head with their initial volleys, but both quickly discover it is relatively easy to duck such would-be blockbusters. Two back off, glare at each other and then go plowing in with joint body attacks., These are not so easy to evade and so plenty of leather gets pounded into available torso. Lana giving special attention to Amy’s bountiful rack, while Amy is going to the belly with repeated hooks. Lana then slips some quick uppercuts into Amy’s chin. Big blonde shuddering as her head gets knocked back and Amy then pounds blonde belly, backing Amy up, though she manages to avoid getting driven onto the ropes. Fighting opens up some as they battle out to mid-ring, Lana showing some better footwork and keeps the pressure on her bigger rival. Bell sounds and judges decide this a close win for Lana Del Rey.

R2: Amy not pleased at Lana getting the better of her in the opening stanza. She comes charging out and tries to drive Lana back with sheer size. Lana able to neatly counter this with quick feet and starts landing surprise leather on Amy’s face. Amy looking confused as Lana circles around and keeps banging Amy’s head and face. Angry red splotches appearing on the blonde’s face as Lana’s steady blows keep stinging her rival. Amy trying to fight back, finally gets something looking like a jab gong late and Lana gets banged hard to the belly sufficiently to get her to back off. However round is a Lana Del Rey win on the cards and by a wide margin, too.

R3: Amy seems to gain control over her emotions this round. She is no longer rushing recklessly at Lana and gets a good jab going. Lana still following her circle-and-punch tactics, but Amy’s improved jab are reducing the openings she can find, Instead, Amy is slowly shifting to the offensive as the round ticks on, Amy continues to work Lana’s midsection and the brunette is starting to hunch up protectively, but she’s still striking back at Amy’s torso. They grind it out up-close to the bell and Amy wins a narrow victory on the cards.

R4: Amy and Lana battle for control of the fight this round. Amy able to strike first with a quick hook to the belly that doubles Lana up with a loud groan and then bringing uppercuts crashing into brunette face. Lana knocked back, but gets her guard up to contest Amy’s follow-up with the jab. Amy looking better on her feet (or Lana Del Rey is slowing down) as she is able to keep circling with the brunette as they fight their way around the ring. Amy’s harder punches are now starting to take their toll on Lana’s body as she shudders with each fresh shot into her belly. Amy adding some vengeful crushing straight rights and lefts to Del Rey breasts which add to the brunette’s misery. Lana able to move fast enough to back away from Amy late. The blonde trying to keep up starts puffing as the steam runs out at the bell. Still, the judges give it to Amy wide.

R5: Amy looking winded during break. (Wrestling fans whisper that this sort of thing was a feature of the bouts Amy lost to Lana and start betting it’s still the blonde Achilles heel). Amy not offensive-minded this round, which gives Lana the opportunity to come roaring back on the cards. She is circling around Amy, just peppering her with quick leather and Amy just seems to cover up and make sure nothing effective gets landed on her. Lana trying to shake Amy with some late rights and lefts off the head. Amy showing some decent jabbing, enough to keep her in the round, but Lana takes the stanza by a wide margin. Both fighters sweaty, breathing hard, pushing wet tendrils of hair off their faces while they give each other hard glares.

R6: Having essentially taken R5 off, Amy Schumer goes on the offensive with a surprisingly rapid charge across the ring which takes Lana Del Rey by surprise. Amy bashes Lana straight in the face with rapid-fire rights and lefts that leave Lana bleeding from the nose with nasty swellings around both eyes. Lana finds herself thrown back into her own corner, trapped against the turnbuckle as Amy thunders leather into the brunette’s gut like it’s a punching bag. Lana moaning in pain, wraps her arms around Amy and tries to shove her aside. Amy’s not moving, but the referee does come in and forces a break. Lana struggling to compose herself, is slip passed Amy, but the blonde is hot after her and finally gets in front to block her escape. Lana backed to the ropes, goes face-in-gloves, as Amy tries to get at her, but has to settle for belaboring the brunette’s sides and head. Lana finally resorts to clinching to break up the attack, but she can’t get her defenses going. Amy settles down to a steady drumfire punching attack that just drains the strength from the brunette without her actually going down. Round ends in a triumphant shutout for Amy Schumer as Lana Del Rey has to steady herself against the ropes before making her wobbly way back to her corner.

R7: Amy seems to be playing with her prey as this round gets started. Lana slow off her stool with a hollow-eyed look on her battered face. Amy circling, showing some feints to make Lana miss and then cracking that tummy with powerful hooks. Lana going up on toes as these shots double her over and then Amy ups the tempo with one-twos off the chin of Lana Del Rey. Lana looking blankly at her foe, then Amy brings a right crashing into Lana’s chin. Lana thrown back, teeters a few steps and then crashes down arms and legs outflung! LANA DEL REY IS DOWN! Amy smirking as she goes to her corner to let the referee do the formalities. Lana moaning, moving her head from side to side, but unable to get her body to move. Tears start to flow as the count reaches “…TEN! YOU ARE OUT!”

The Winner: AMY SCHUMER KO7!

After: Amy can’t wait for her gloves to be removes and she can get at the dazed Lana, who is trying to pull herself up. Suddenly Lana looks up in alarm to see Amy pounding down on her. Lana lets out a shriek and then AMY SCHUMER SMASHES LANA DEL REY FLAT WITH A FULL COVERAGE BODY SLAM! Lana’s arms and legs jackknife into the air, then go limp. Amy sits up with her buns on Lana’s belly, but then she shifts around. SHE’S PLANTING A FACE-SIT ON LANA! Crowd goes wild. Some cheering, some booing this outrageous behavior. Then Amy slides off the thoroughly beaten Lana to apply a finishing touch: she hooks Lana’s right leg and pounds the canvas for her very own 3-count. Amy grinning big as she stands up and plants a bare foot on Lana’s chest, while raising her arms in victory.

“Lot of bad karma expunged in that fight,” says Amy later as she watches a sobbing Lana Del Rey helped from the ring, arms around two of her people, clearly unable to walk. “I can’t tell you how much I’ve dreamed of this. Of course, until recently I didn’t envision it in a boxing match, but I will definitely take it now. Maybe I do have a future in a celebrity boxing. We’ll see!”

The thoroughly bombed out Lana Del Rey doesn’t have much to say to press, but word from her camp says: “Lana feels she was suckered into this fight so Amy could have her revenge for all those AHW bouts she’s lost to Lana. Lana’s not feeling so good right now, but she is not about to let Amy get credit for ending her boxing career. Lana expects to be back and be a winner. She’s down—hard, but not out.”

Entertaining battle while it lasted. Lana was clearly hoping to wear Amy down and, at one point, it looked like she was succeeding. However the blonde found a way to recover and blast the brunette into a (literally) crushing defeat, Front Office reputedly not pleased with Amy’s post fight antics, but lets her off with a stern warning. Amy just seen smirking as she leaves the Commissioner’s office so the effect on her future behavior seems rather doubtful.