PUSHFEST '17 SPECIAL EVENT

After the latest reshuffling of staff at Punchaholics Anonymous headquarters, one particularly unhappy former employee released a collection of internal communications. While most of the leak was forgettable chaff, one item caught the public eye. The company was in the early stages of setting up a special event with the potential for its own series. Several things were clear. First, the company would heavily draw upon stars given minimal opportunities to fight in order to keep costs low. Second, matches would be brief and decisive, with two contestants trying to force the other back, in order to squeeze in as many matches as possible. In short, the event would be cheap to produce in comparison to the attention it demanded. Exact information on the name of the event, the exact rules, and the list of participants remained scarce.

With plenty of interest but no name, Twitter and clickbait sites quickly dubbed the event "Pushfest '17." Punchaholics Anonymous marketing was overwhelmed and quietly scrapped its plans in favor of the new image.

Soon the company released official rules. The matches would take place in a ten foot long area, with the edges and center marked. The contestants would meet at the center, grasp each other's hands, and push when given the signal. The first contestant to move her opponent back past the line would win. Additionally, a contestant could lose by submission, touching the ground with something other than her foot, striking, tripping, throwing, or performing any of the usual forbidden attacks.

On fight night, the contestants arrived at the secret location, a poorly maintained empty warehouse. A camera crew, Christina Hendricks, and Robyn Lawley were also present, the latter two ostensibly as hostesses but obviously picked for their ability to break up unscheduled fights. The ring was clearly marked by three bright yellow lines stenciled on an empty stretch of concrete floor. Ever enterprising, Christina Hendricks managed to construct a decent imitation of a daytime TV talk show set out of crates, tarps, and a barrel.

    CHRISTINA HENDRICKS                                   ROBYN LAWLEY

Lindsay Morgan vs Miranda Cosgrove

 

Lindsey Morgan was the first to take her place on the "couch" with Hendricks. The winless fighter lamented the scarce opportunities for an unmanaged boxer. "There are women who fight in every PPV who I could pound to jelly in three rounds, but if the interest isn't there, I don't get the invite," the pretty brunette said sadly. Still, she had managed to find a small amount of good news. "Today I'm getting my hands on the biggest pushover in the FCBA, and I'm going to take out all of my frustration on her."

Off stage, Cosgrove's fists clenched and she slowly turned red. However, the presence of the other women was enough to stop her from rushing Morgan on the spot. When it was her turn to sit down with Hendricks for the interview, she let loose. "Lindsay Morgan is a no name loser who isn't gonna last two seconds once I get started," said the actress, as Hendricks nodded seriously. "I'm gonna make her cry, the end." She rose to her feet abruptly, staring Morgan down as the other actress watched from the edge of the set. "So what are we waiting for?"

To avoid a brawl, Hendricks and Lawley herded the competitors towards the minimal ring. The two hostesses/bouncers were clad in small, tight black athletic shorts and matching gray t-shirts bearing the Punchaholics Anonymous Gym brand. Cosgrove, wearing a loose black tank top, a white sports bra, and red shorts, took her position at the middle line, facing off against Morgan in a yellow tank top and black tights. Lea Michele, Emma Roberts, and Emily Bett Rickards took positions to Morgan's rear, toeing the line five feet behind​ her excitedly. Julianna Guill, Chloe Moretz, and Lyndon Smith stood on the opposite end. As Christina Hendricks stood next to the line and motioned the two fighters together, they actresses scowled, eyes locked, and grasped each other's hands firmly, jostling slightly before the match began.

Hendricks blew the whistle.

A second high, piercing noise overlapped with the whistle, which turned out to be Cosgrove's cry of pain as Morgan effortlessly bent her wrists backward. The helpless actress turned her head away and shut her eyes, as if trying to escape, but refused to let Morgan's hands go. Facing no resistance, Morgan easily advanced, half carrying her opponent over the finish line. Hendricks blew the whistle again.

Moretz immediately pounced on the beaten actress' back, restraining her arms in an imprecise full nelson. Smith and Guill were slower to react; the former collided with Moretz, only to be pushed aside, settling for grabbing her victim around the waist and bumping the faster woman with her hip. The latter, with little space remaining, grabbed Cosgrove under the leg and lifted until she was thoroughly off balance.

With her beaten opponent thoroughly restrained, Morgan beamed, leaning forward to grab Cosgrove's face, only to give her a dramatic shove and turn away dismissively. The victorious brunette posed for the camera while Cosgrove struggled against her three tormentors in the background. Sensing trouble, Hendricks blew her whistle a few more times. With everyone's attention on the hostess, Cosgrove was able to wrench herself free. Sobbing, she covered her face with her hands, stumbling off set to exit the building. Thanks to her self imposed blindness, she knocked over Hendricks' decorative barrel and bounced off of the exit doorframe in the process.

Phoebe Tonkin vs Dakota Johnson

Johnson, Tonkin, and Lawley returned shortly, and the brief break allowed all present to calm down. When the necessary repairs to the set are complete, Tonkin and Johnson each take a turn on the couch. During her turn, Johnson pointed out that she had earned her first two wins immediately following her agreement to appear in Pushfest '17, and joked that the wins rendered her overqualified for the event. Tonkin, in fact, had a more impressive resume, but without any remotely recent wins despite her attempts.

The two women faced off at the center line at the conclusion of Tonkin's interview. In a black sports bra and tight shorts, Tonkin towered over Johnson, who wore red shorts and a matching tank top. Johnson, unimpressed, grasped Tonkin's hands, braced herself, and shoved when Hendricks gave the signal.

Tonkin grimaced, leg muscles flexed and arms trembling as she struggled. The two women turned their heads away from each other, upper bodies touching at the shoulders. For a good thirty seconds, they barely moved, aside from adjusting their arms and small shifts of their weight.

Then, Johnson's foot slid back several inches, and she repositioned to regain her balance. It was all downhill from there for the shorter actress; Tonkin advanced, never letting up, and Johnson was slowly nudged back until both women were across the line. Johnson's experience was less painful than the last loser; behind her, Rickards and Moretz pounced, each grabbing a wrist with both hands. Tonkin had mercy on her rival and left her alone.

"She just outlasted me. I'm disappointed, but it was a perfectly fair match," commented Johnson later, after a rest but before returning to the audience.

Chloe Moretz vs Emily Bett Rickards

 

With the hostesses better practiced, and the combatants more cooperative, the second transition was much smoother. However, things heated up quickly. "I think everybody knows how this one is going to go," commented Rickards from the couch. "Chloe's a snotty little brat who's barely set foot in the ring, and I'm one of the girls nobody dares face." Moretz disagreed. "Emily doesn't get calls because nobody likes her, not because she's too scary," the young actress scoffed. "And there's no way she's got the power to push me around."

The two actresses stood at the outer lines, trying to out-casual the other and approaching the center line. Moretz, in navy tights and a gray sports bra, attempted to stand up straight enough to cancel out Rickards' one inch height advantage. Rickards, in light blue tights and a tank top, was not impressed, and strode up to the line, stopping just short. Emma Roberts and Lea Michele took their places behind Moretz, while Smith and Guill lined up on the other side behind the finish line; Lawley, Tonkin, and Johnson had made a quiet exit again, and Cosgrove was still nowhere to be found. As Hendricks shushed the onlookers, Moretz and Rickards grasped each other's hands, tensing their muscles and tilting their heads away from each other. Hendricks blew the whistle.

Exhaling forcefully and letting out a grunt, Rickards lunged forward, using her lower body and knocking Moretz back a few feet. Moretz, scrambling to recover, halted Rickards progress well clear of the finish line. Shaking slightly as she fought to a stalemate, the shorter blonde held her ground, head facing away from her rival. Slowly, she nudged Rickards back an inch, digging in and securing her small victory. Bit by bit, she pushed ahead, scooting a short distance and then holding her ground against the snarling Rickards. Once Moretz was within a foot of the finish line, she threw her weight forward in a last explosion of effort, knocking Rickards back far enough for Hendricks to signal her victory.

Lyndon Smith and Julianna Guill, waiting eagerly for the whistle, were now used to the routine. Rather than fighting over their prize, they wordlessly divided her up, each grabbing an arm and hugging the beaten actress around the body, dragging her away from the winner. Guill, an arm around Rickards' shoulders, squeezed the actress face in her hand and forced her to look at the winner. Moretz, leaning forward on her knees, straightened up immediately, flexing her biceps and furrowing her brow. As Moretz advanced on Rickards, Hendricks stepped in, putting an arm around the winner and presenting her to the cameras.

"That's why Emily's boxing career never went anywhere. The minute things get tough, she collapses!" In the background, Lawley watched over a sulking Rickards.

Lea Michele vs Lyndon Smith

 

"I'm just glad for a chance to go one on one with somebody. The exact details..." Lyndon Smith shrugged. The pretty brunette had one boxing match to her name, in 2014, where she had failed to make it to the halfway point. "I'm just looking forward to getting my hands on Lea."

Lea Michele's situation was similar. The actress had a longer record, with a total of seven fights, and two wins against two women who perpetually occupied the bottom of the rankings. However, with no fights since 2015, she was hardly in a good position herself. Still, on the couch with Hendricks, she was the picture of confidence. "I know I'm stronger than her, and your rules don't leave a lot of room for clever tactics, so I've got this one!"

Michele, opting for a retro look, had selected a teal leotard and a purple belt. She made her way to the line, standing with her head high, hands on her hips, watching Smith approach fearlessly. Smith herself, wearing blue and black sports bra and shorts, seemed to have gained some extra motivation after seeing her opponent show off, glaring back at her and striding to stand at the line. Behind Michele, Chloe Moretz and Lindsay Morgan waited, quiet but focused, and Roberts and Guill stood at the opposite side. Once the two brunettes had taken each other's hands, Hendricks blew the whistle.

Both actresses pushed forward, hands low, but in the first second of the match, Michele simply overpowered Smith. On the defense, Smith twisted herself about, adjusting her footing and scooting in every direction possible -- except for forward. Michele shoved again, chest to chest with Smith, and slid her just short of the finish line. Wrists bent back, Smith clenched her teeth and pushed with all of her might, with similar results to pushing against a brick wall. Michele stepped forward, walking Smith over the line.

As Hendricks blew the whistle again, Emma Roberts and Julianna Guill were already mid-pounce. The beaten brunette let out a surprised squeak as the two actresses forced her arms behind her back and held her off balance, rocking her back and forth to show off her helplessness. Wasting no time, Michele beamed, strutted up to Smith, and planted a kiss on her forehead before Hendricks could intervene.

"Told you! With all of the prep time I put in at the gym I'd be pretty mad if I lost. Of course, that makes me wonder why Lyndon didn't work just as hard? This might be the last anyone sees of her. You'd think she'd want to look tougher in the highlight reel!" Michele, fresh from her first win in years, continued to chatter happily until Hendricks gently led her offstage. To fill space, Robyn Lawley improvised a PSA regarding positive thinking, doing well enough, but ending it abruptly once the next set of fighters were prepared.

Emma Roberts vs Julianna Guill

 

"I'm thrilled that I drew Emma as my opponent. She's pretty, talented, and has a losing streak that's lasted for years. Sure, later on I'll need to box someone tougher if I want to go anywhere, but right now I'm happy with an easy stepping stone." Julianna Guill's boxing career thus far had consisted of a competitive loss against Brianna Evigan. Emma Roberts' career was longer, and more painful -- four fights and as many losses. When it was the blonde's turn on the couch with Hendricks, she fired back sharply. "I'm glad Juliana knows I've got her beat on looks and acting ability. She seems a little bit confused about my fighting skill, and, oh yeah, these." Roberts flexed her bicep, forming a small bulge on her slim arm, and looked down at it casually. "But I'll set her straight."

Lawley and Hendricks were stretched thin trying to keep the offstage actresses separated; at this point, everyone had a reason to be angry at nearly everyone else. Roberts and Guill took little wrangling, meeting on the line civilly, but without any friendly gestures. The hostesses finally settled on putting Lyndon Smith and Lindsey Morgan behind Roberts, and Lea Michele and Chloe Moretz behind Guill; for whatever reason, this seemed to produce the lowest chance of a fight breaking out. Roberts, in a black and white sports bra and tights, bounced on her ankles, anticipating the moment she might pounce. Guill, in a navy tank top and shorts, seemed to have more patience. As directed by Hendricks, the two actresses faced off, took each others hands, and shoved.

Neither actress budged. Roberts inhaled sharply, lowering her body and balancing herself, while Guill jumped from position to position with her hands, struggling for leverage. The deadlock continued for over a minute as the others present silently looked on. Guill, by this point, was starting to waver, and once Roberts took a full step forward, bumping her back significantly, her ability to resist collapsed. Soon, Roberts had walked her over the line. Hendricks blew the whistle.

Michele and Moretz pounced on Guill's back, bumping heads and immediately turning their attention on each other. Guill, cringing and lowering her head, made a run for it, zigzagging around Hendricks' decorative barrel and hiding behind the couch as the two actresses grabbed at each other and struggled to throw the other to the ground. Lawley, wrinkling her nose, put a hand on each woman and pried them apart, her look of distaste increasing as she was forced to stand between the screaming starlets. Hendricks, meanwhile, moved to intercept Roberts and Morgan, who seemed to have picked favorites. They protested loudly as Hendricks insistently and constantly interrupted them with her whistle. After a few seconds of chaos, the camera swung towards the ground and shut off.

Lea Michele and Emma Roberts vs Lindsay Morgan and Chloe Moretz

VS

After an unspecified amount of time, filming resumed. Hendricks and Lawley, looking much less energetic, were seated in the middle of the couch. Roberts and Michele squeezed in on one side, and Morgan and Moretz were wedged into the remaining space. Hendricks summoned her last remaining smile and cheerfully explained that the two teams would have a match under the same rules, all at once, with anyone who eliminated her opponent free to interfere in the other match. Both teams grumbled, but were careful to avoid attracting attention from the hostesses. Without turning their backs on each other, they took their places on the line, with Michele paired with Moretz, and Roberts paired with Morgan. Rickards, Smith, and Guill were present, hovering at the edge of the frame. Hendricks inhaled, deeply, and blew the whistle.

All four actresses threw themselves forward, colliding violently and struggling to maintain their balance in the instant after the collision. The losing contestants, nearby, shouted their encouragement all at once; now safe, they were free to cheer for their tormentor's opponents. Roberts and Morgan, frowning and adjusting their grip on the others' hands, fought with all of their strength to stay put against the other's power, slowly rotating out of position. Michele, meanwhile, made actual progress, sliding her foot across the ground between Moretz's legs and nudging her backwards an inch while keeping her balance. Moretz, eyes wide, gave up another foot before she could steady herself. Michele, however, seemed encouraged, and summoned another burst of energy, bumping bodies with her rival and twisting. Nearly hip tossing Moretz, Michele knocked her off balance, then shoved her back a few more feet during her moment of vulnerability. Moretz shrieked, trying to recover, but without any room to place her feet, Michele nudged her the final few inches across the line. Hendrix blew the whistle.

Guill, Rickards, and Smith all broke into a run simultaneously, dive tackling Moretz from three different directions. The beaten blonde spun around helplessly, flailed one leg, and collapsed in a pile of actresses. Rickards, through some combination of luck and skill, managed to briefly secure a seat on Moretz's face before Smith shoved her off and replaced her, resulting in a violent, neverending game of musical chair.

Meanwhile, Michele took a run at Morgan's back. Roberts grinned, seeing what was about to happen, and Morgan went all out for a fraction of a second, but it was too late. Michele grabbed Morgan underneath the legs, getting her feet off the ground easily with Roberts' assistance. Together, Roberts and Michele carried the screeching, kicking Morgan to the edge, swung her back and forth, and pitched her over the line, letting her land several feet out of bounds on the concrete. They high fived, giggling, and jumped on top of her, ending her weak struggles. Hendricks blew the whistle, a stern look on her face. Lawley sat on the couch, slumped, arms at her sides, staring ahead blankly.

After the trip back to HQ, Lawley raised an issue. "Did Miranda ever get back on the bus? I don't think I saw her. Is she still out there? Do we need to call somebody?"