Evangeline Lilly vs Lindsay Lohan (result: Lookout/fight: simgrrl)
Lilly (38yo; 5’5”; 121#; 45% wins by KO) vs Lohan (31yo; 5'5”; 114#; 86% wins by KO)

Before: Lilly's won 4 of her last 7, including ripping the Bantamweight champions belt from the waist of (now) ex-champ Minka Kelly last year - the 6th time 'Vangie held the bantam belt in her grubby little paws! Lilly, not one to suffer fools, made a point of dissing LiLo prefight; pointing to Lohan's “list of accomplishments” (2 DUI's; 3 rehab stints; fired from films; being a terrible actress; and a worse singer)...all while carefully avoiding mentioning Lohan's flyweight title or the two JMD jeweled bras (but we're sure if Lilly HAD mentioned them - she would've claimed “the jewels were as fake as the tits they hung on” ...or something like that. The consensus was that Ms. Lilly is NOT a fan of Lohan... nor her professional achievements.

Say what you will about actresses, even a 'bad actress' can rise to an occasion as Lohan proved when she faced the cameras and spoke at length about how much she “respected” Evangeline's work and her fighting. “She's won more titles than me,” Lohan said graciously. “So I can't say anything bad about her fighting. Other than 'Lost' I honestly don't know much about her acting, but there's no doubt she's a great human being and humanitarian. I looked her up and saw she founded and ran a world development and human rights committee at her university, lived in a grass hut in the Philippines with a missionary group and volunteered for children's projects since she was 14.”

Lohan added modestly, “I've never done ANY of those things, so if you think she's a better person than me.... well, I'd agree. But this is boxing, not a 'compare resume' contest...thank goodness. I do think I am a better fighter. I've got more experience; more fights, more KO's, and...” she hesitated, glanced over at her stablemates and giggled before she concluded, “... and with Blake Lively having just turned thirty, I've got more 'old women' in my stable than Lilly has in hers.”

Lohan in what, for anyone else, would be a daringly tiny light green string bikini, but on Lohan it looks right at home. In fact, it covers a LOT more than whatever she wore - or didn't - in many photos and a lot of her films. Auburn hair pulled back in a saucy ponytail, bare feet (naturally in the sandy beach ring). Lilly very conservative, “full coverage top and granny bottom” tawny hair in a couple of pig tails behind her ears. Like almost everyone today, she's barefoot, playfully kicking sand at the Academy women decked out in their best beach finery ringside, sending the “old timers” scattering and squealing protests lest their designer duds become somehow besmirched with lowly beach sand.

During R1: Lilly on offence early (that's how they spell 'offense' North of the border) using her wiles and weight to bulldoze the lighter redhead around in the early going. Lohan bouncing (remember her 'tiny top'?) around, flicking jabs in 'Vangie's face early, right cocked and loaded, ready to drop the hammer at the first opportunity! Lilly digging to LiLo's body with both fists, putting hurt on the slighter woman; looking to wear Lohan down with the same heavy-handed body attack that's won her 60% of her fights... almost half of them by stoppage!
LiLo's legs serving her well early, allowing her to slip away from Lilly's belly-hunting; keeping her left in Evangeline's face; throwing the right often enough to keep the brunette honest. Down the stretch, it's Lohan who gets on a roll behind that stiff jab, using it in combinations to set up her right hand which finds its way to Lilly's jaw more frequently in the closing seconds, twice landing with concussive power that briefly buckles brunette knees when Lohan stacks her girl up on the ropes as LiLo wins the first round on points (close).

R2: More of the same in the second round; the only change is Lilly's able to close the distance more often; finding Lohan's tummy with her left hook; jarring those jiggly jugs with sneaky right uppercuts. LiLo keeps pumping her left in 'Vangie's face and Lilly's right eyebrow showing some slight swelling by the bell, showing the effects of Lohan's defensive jabbing. But for most of the round, it's Lilly's offensive prowess that's dictating the pace and the bigger, more experienced, brunette uses her wiles to muffle most of Lohan's offensive attempts in the first two-thirds of the round. Then, as in the first round, LiLo having some success late in the round as she once again gets to Lilly's chin with the right hand. Once again, the margin is razor thin, but this time it's Lilly getting the nod from the judges to take the points. It's tied at 19 each after two hard-fought, close, rounds!

R3: Lohan's off her stool before the bell, looking eager to get back to work but it's Lilly who lands the first blow, a lead right that sends Lohan reeling backward to the ropes. As Evangeline closes in, LiLo rebounds off the ropes, putting a little extra into a right of her own that buckles Lilly's knees! Both women with hard-edged, toe-to-toe, trading in Lohan's corner, but it's Lindsay getting the better of it, slowly driving Lilly backward. Lindsay Lohan with the bit in her teeth, letting everything go as she wales away with both fists, buckling Lilly's knees again as the brunette recoils in pain!
Lohan going all-in in the final minute, letting her hands go, eschewing all thoughts of defense as she throws everything but the kitchen sink at Lilly (including cliches and idioms) but nothing seems enough to put the sturdy brunette down and at the bell, Lohan turns away panting and red-faced, leaving Lilly hanging on the ropes with her arm over the top strand, stubbornly upright but badly battered and all but broken. HUGE round sees Lindsay going all-in on offense trying for the early KO and it looked, several times, like she was about to get it. Lohan wins the round (wide).

R4: Second verse, same as the first! LiLo showing her power of recuperation, again up on her feet before the bell while Lilly takes her time, not rising until the sound of the warning chime fades then her trainer pushes her to her feet. Lohan going all-in again; determined to end Lilly's night as early as possible. Lilly looking ragged, gloves earmuffing, elbows tucked in tight, not throwing many punches, just crouching with her butt stuffed between the ropes, being buffeted back and forth by the redheaded whirlwind that is Lindsay Lohan.
Lindsay hammering away at both flanks, slamming right hooks in behind Lilly's left elbow; left hooks drilling her behind her right elbow; Lohan stepping back to bring huge uppercuts in between Vangie's elbows, buckling her knees as LiLo bashes her breadbasket! Late, Lohan's can opener attack starting to carve openings between Lilly's spaghetti limp arms, those uppercuts finding their way to the brunette's head; rocking her back. Final seconds, LiLo slamming one right after another into Lilly as she drives her along the ropes from one corner to the next.
At the bell, Lohan steps back, chest heaving, then turns and walks with her arms dangling at her sides to her corner without so much as a backward glance at Lilly who just sits on the middle strand until her corner workers come out to extricate her and support her back to her stool while Lindsay Lohan wins her 2nd consecutive round by a (wide) margin.

R5: Lohan's shot her bolt and now it's Lilly's turn. Evangeline bull-rushing LiLo off her stool, driving her shoulder into her chest and, feet digging into the sand, powers her backward to the ropes where Lilly sets up shop in LiLo's kitchen, bludgeoning away to the lithe redhead's lower body, hammering her flanks! Lilly's slashing uppercuts by both hands smash the little redhead's prodigious puppies flat, sucking the oxygen from Lohan's weary lungs, leaving LiLo panting and sucking wind as they come down the stretch. The last minute of the fifth round is a mirror of the fourth, with Lilly hammering away at Lohan who's pinned in Lilly's corner, unable to fight her way out, forced to endure a beatdown to the bell when Lilly dances away, arms raised leaving Lohan doubled over, hands on knees, wheezing like an old racehorse who's run her last race. Huge turnaround round has Evangeline winning with a bell-to-bell shutout and suddenly, it's 3-2 after five with Lilly coming on!

R6: Lohan's legendary powers of recovery have left her and she's slow off her stool at the bell, quickly run down, caught hit and then bashed backward to the ropes. Now it's Lohan who's forced to crouch behind her earmuffing gloves, her weary legs unable to carry her away from the damage being given to her body by Lilly who's taking every opportunity to lavish upon Lohan's body all the attention Evangeline could wish. Let's give Lilly her due, she's paying a lot more attention to Lohan's body in this one round than most movie critics have given it for years!
Crowd on their feet as Evangeline lands a hard left hook, then doubles up on the right, buckling LiLo's slender legs. Lohan grabbing Lilly, clinching around her shoulders, breasts scrubbing inside as Lilly writhes and wriggles free, creating space between their hips; then Lilly drives a hard right in below Lohan's belly button. Lindsay doubles over, her mouthpiece flying out as she's gutted like a fish. Lilly straight arms Lohan's shoulders back, standing her up as the referee moves in. Then Evangeline sweeps her right across the space between them, her glove detonating with explosive force on the side of Lohan's jaw.
Big head swivel, ponytail flying to the side as Lindsay Lohan is spun around her arms dropping to her sides as she completes the pirouette, then dives facefirst into the sand, her nose plowing a furrow as she crashes to earth. Lohan sprawls on her belly, her left foot quivering the only motion aside from the ripples in her butt as her body settles slowly. Lilly stands over her for a moment, then with a satisfied toss of her head, she kicks sand on Lohan, turns and struts away. The referee drops to a knee, takes a quick glance at Lohan and waves off the count.

After: Evangeline's knockdown in minute two one that LiLo can't get up from as Evangeline Lilly, closes fast to takes a come from behind KO6 victory!

“That tart thought if she threw a bunch of punches at me for a round or two I'd just wither and die? She doesn't know how tough we Canucks are!” Lilly boasted postfight as she was interviewed in the ring while two men in white shoveled up Lohan's body and dumped her in a trash cart to be hauled away. The little skit, performed by a couple of Lilly fan club members, earning the ire of Ginny's Academy members who are surely going to remember it on some future occasion!

“Honestly,” Lilly chuckled. “Other than a couple of times, she threw a lot of leather but didn't really hurt me that much. I just let her wear herself out punching and when I saw she'd shot her wad, I came right back at her. You saw how quickly she folded after I tapped her tummy a few times? Too much high living and 'performance hindering substances' would be my guess. Honestly, I'd fight her any time, any place.... imagine if I could fight her every Saturday night for a year? I'd be in the Hall of Fame by this time next year!”

No one could find Lohan afterward, though there were some who said they saw two men in white loading her into the back of a municipal refuse hauling van out behind the changing tent. Probably a metaphor for where her career is headed if she can't get herself untracked!