BEFORE:



"No," says America with a shake of the head, "I HAVEN'T won an FCBA fight yet. But, that changes TONIGHT."



"She's a smart girl," says Kristen with a nod. "I like her and I respect her. So, what happens tonight is just business. And, after I take care of that, I'll go right back to liking and respecting her."



ROUND ONE:



O'Dell: "Back at ringside, and that's 'Hush' by Deep Purple..."



McCarthy: "And, I suppose Scabbo's going to tell me that was featured in the first episode of that NBC sitcom Ferrera stars in!"



Cassie: "Actually, it was featured in episode FIVE of 'Superstore'..."



Tess: "Which, again, you would KNOW if you read the prep material!"



McCarthy: "I REFUSE!"



O'Dell (sighing): "Again, that is 'Hush' by Deep Purple, and it's the theme music for the lady headed to ringside at the moment, the lovely America Ferrera, who does, indeed, star in the NBC sitcom 'Superstore'..."



Cassie: "And, let me say that show is HILARIOUS. And smart. And Ferrera's great in it."



McCarthy: "You know, Scabbo, you have a career as a TV critic if you want one...NOT!"



Cassie: "Tess, have you seen BRENDA SONG tonight?"



Tess: "Come to think of it, I haven't..."



Cassie: "Meaning, she could be ANYwhere..."



McCarthy: "Don't you threaten ME, you little..."



O'Dell: "Let's concentrate on the ring, where Ferrera is helped off with the robe to reveal a red bikini..."



McCarthy: "And a body that wouldn't get her within a THOUSAND MILES of the 'Playboy' mansion..."



O'Dell: "Aaaaannnnnnddddd, that's 'Helter Skelter' by the Beatles you hear, and that can only mean that the FCBA's biggest Beatles fan, 'The Five-Tool Player', Kristen Stewart, is on her way to the ring..."



Tess: "And, maybe Stewart's hearing footsteps, too, now that McCurdy's arrived in Philly."



O'Dell: "Stewart down the aisle and into the ring. She's helped off with the robe by Jewel and Neve. Kristen wearing that lime green number she prefers. And, the ladies about ready to go. Time for some picks. Tess likes K-Stew. Mac?"



McCarthy: "Yet ANOTHER Dancing Hooker opponent without an FCBA win. Stewart."



O'Dell: "Cassie?"



Cassie: "I agree with Tess."



O'Dell: "Here we go. No surprise that Kristen sets up at range here, looking to work the jab. Stewart likes to box, and she's got the reach. Ferrera wants to work forward, offset that reach, but K-Stew making that difficult with the accurate left. She's stopping America, keeping her at range..."



Cassie: "An accurate jab can be a real problem when you're in with a taller girl. If she can get it in your face, it causes all kinds of issues."



Tess: "Which is why it helps to be as quick as YOU are, since getting a jab in YOUR face consistently is almost impossible."



Cassie: "Correct. Except for the 'almost'."



McCarthy: "I'm ALMOST throwing up in my mouth. Except for the 'almost'..."



O'Dell: "Ferrera with the head tucked, trying to slip past that jab and THERE'S A RIGHT FROM STEWART! America staggered, nearly goes down. Quick flurry from Kristen and DOWN GOES FERRERA! And, I can't believe she was still standing after that right, because it landed on the button!"



Cassie: "Not going to matter, because she's not getting up after that flurry..."



O'Dell: "America puddled at Stewart's feet. Kristen quickly to a neutral corner. I wasn't sure the ref was even going to count here, but he is. Count at three. Four. Five. Ferrera not moving at all. Six. Seven. Now she's trying to push to her hands and knees. Eight. Nine. Not going to happen. TEN! Ferrera sinks back to the canvas and it's OVER! And your winner by KO1 is 'The Five-Tool Player', Kristen Stewart!"



AFTER:



O'Dell: "Let's go up to the ring and Tess Valmore!"



Tess: "I have our winner, Kristen Stewart, and Kristen, you didn't waste any time tonight..."



Kristen (shrugging): "I just caught her, that's all. She had to come forward because of my length, and I was able to hold her with a jab and then drop a right on her. I knew I'd get her sooner or later. It just happened sooner."



Tess: "Jennette McCurdy..."



Kristen: "I don't want to hear CRAP about Jennette McCurdy. I'M the top flyweight here. And, the whole time I've been here, people have talked about other girls. Seyfried and Spears and Graham and Meester. Well. Where ARE they? And, I'm still here. Right at the top of Front Street's flyweights. And Jennette McCurdy isn't going to change that."