4. Alexis Ren versus Hermione Corfield

Alexis:
(21, 5’9, 12:3 FCBA, VIXENs)



Hermione:
(25, 5’10, 0:1 FCBA, Free Agent)


BEFORE:
Alexis raging backstage, apparently in full-on ‘Diva’ mode at not being afforded certain amenities like a personal trailer, valet and a specific brand of quinoa salad delivered personally to her locker room. Some things will never change, I guess. Reporters manage to snag a snippet or two from her lips before the fight, with the Vixen stretching in an amber bikini, preparing for her entrance backstage. 

“I should be in the f*cking main event,” Ren says with some bitterness. “Not Nina, and definitely not f*cking Ass-lysa. Me.” She chugs a bottle of mineral water before continuing. “If you’re listening, Kendall, I was f*cking laughing my ass off when you got knocked out by Strahovski. You know that our fight was a fluke, because you are one hell of a fluke champion.” 

Of course, Kendall Jenner is nowhere in sight tonight, and Alexis raging and gesturing wildly at the camera, taunting an imaginary opponent, is remiscise of WWE soap opera programming. 

“I *demand* a rematch. Watch and learn, Jenner. This is how it’s done...” Alexis concludes, before she throws open the doors to the arena and strides out, her theme music mixed with the cheering of fans and of course those bright spotlights swimming in our eyes. 

Her opponent tonight, let’s not forget, is Hermione Corfield, an English actress best known for her work in the Mission Impossible series and most recently in Star Wars: The Last Jedi, where she played a starfighter pilot in a short scene. Not much else is known about her except for the fact that she made her debut in 2017 with a first round loss to Taylor Momsen in the New Blood Lightweight tourney. 

Fellow blonde having entered the arena earlier, looking sturdy and ready to go in sky blue bra and panties, red gloves swinging side to side in a corner of the ring. The soft spoken actress beguiling audience members earlier as she gave brief comments:

“I know what I’m up against tonight, but I relish the challenge. I always believe that good things come to good people, and Alexis Ren is one person I know Santa Claus will NOT be visiting anytime soon. I--”

Of course then she was cut off by Alexis’ bombastic entrance, and words will be history tonight with both girls finally ready to go in their corners when the ref rings the bell!

ROUND 1:
Girls get started early with exchange of fire up top, both eager to establish presence in the ring. Alexis in particular fighting like a demon, rushing in early and then scoring first blood with a double-jab to Hermione’s nose and then a deep uppercut straight into the body to get things started. Hermione perhaps finding herself immediately out of her own element, dealing with vapid punches coming her way and somehow willing herself to fight back instead of just try to fend them off. Alexis hounding her regardless, knows how to pressure a newbie who’s only been in one fight of her career, harasses the face with jab combinations over and over till the end of the round, where Hermione (at least) takes a token swing and (accidentally?) swipes a hook off of Alexis’ chest, which makes the blonde squeal and then scream bloody murder - Alexis having to be held back by the referee when the bell rings to prevent a revenge attack.

ROUND 2:
Those ‘good girl’ comments from earlier becoming questionable as Hermione continues to target the blonde’s weak spots: namely slamming another left-right combo early into Alexis’ chest once she gets in range, further enraging the Vixen, who starts spitting bloody insults at her opponent from afar. It does the trick of keeping Alexis at bay though and this reduces the pressure on Hermione, who begins asserting herself by advancing and tagging more shots to lean body, advancing and then slapping leather rinse repeat. Alexis taking the punishment in cruel reversal of fortunes, but that’s what happens when you favour your chest instead of protecting the rest of your body from attacks. Round ends and girls are in dead heat - another worrying sign that Alexis might suffer the second loss of the evening for the stable.

ROUND 3:
Grumbling to herself like a madwoman, Ren still has no answer for Hermione’s slow and steady pressure application: like a frog in a pot and the chef slowly turning up the fire from below. Sooner or later, Alexis will find herself in hot water if she doesn’t change something. Hermione takes her time, approaching cautiously and jabbing to the left and right of Ren, restricting her movement. Frustrating for the blonde as all she knows how to do is take the fight towards the front and back, like a bulldog set on its prey. This round she relies on those instincts again, to her detriment, charging straight at Hermione at what she thinks are opportune moments, only to have her punches absorbed on forearms, then gets her head SWIVELLED to both sides by Hermione’s counter hooks!. Another bad round for Ms Ren as she stumbles back to corner checking for blood. She needs to get outta this funk but not sure how to...

ROUND 4:
Here we go in the fourth, and Hermione again slow to advance out of corner on purpose, relying on watching Ren’s movements closely instead, trying to cut her off, like she’s tried to do for the past two rounds. This time though Ren’s the wiser woman, realises that the rookie is in fact following the pattern put out by her, so being Alexis Ren, she decides to f*ck it up. Ren with a left-right-left chaotic advance towards Corfield suddenly confusing the brunette as she tries to anticipate Ren’s attack but fails, sees a left hand coming in hot when actually it’s Alexis’ right jab that impacts the nose, then another rapid flurry digs into her body. And just like that - Alexis is back in control! Hermione backing up, reduced to panic mode again, anticipating another wild charge but damaged goods to do anything about it. Curiously though, Ren holding back, sticking to strategy. She still has to contend with some wild hooks thrown her way as Hermione attempts to get back into the lead, but fails to do so by the sound of the bell.

ROUND 5:
Hermione not looking so hot any longer - the punches starting to add up as Alexis picks apart both her defences and footwork. Confusion is the name of the game, and being the trickster and mistress of unpredictability she is, Alexis excels in a feint one way, scoring a punch in another, walking Hermione about the ring for a good first minute. Hermione taking the punishment HARD but then suddenly decides enough is enough, attempts a last minute rush-clinch to try and brawl with Ren. Another big mistake - Ren anticipates the charge - obvious move from her previous brawls with previous *certain* brunettes. The blonde times an excellent swing of her elbow out and up, CRUSH of leather into the chin just as Hermione comes in close! BLAAM! AND JUST LIKE THAT HERMIONE CRUMPLES into a heap!! She’s flat on her back, folks! I think it’s OVER!!

Official Decision: Alexis Ren defeats Hermione Corfield via KO5!

AFTER:
Brilliant show for Ren tonight as she puts her money where her mouth is. Snatching the microphone from the ring announcer, she reiterates her call for a rematch with Kendall Jenner whilst at the same time denouncing Corfied, who’s still shivering on the ground trying to recover. 

Not satisfied, she gives the groaning girl a quick punt of a kick into her side, bowling her over onto her back again, before returning to the locker room, that smug smile on her face every step of the way. She’s always been convinced in her own mind that she’s the next big thing and deserves to be treated as such. Too bad this result tonight will do much to enforce that much maligned idea.