| Jenny McCarthy versus Jamie Pressly(Words: Sceej / Results: Lookout!)
BEFORE: Two of the brashest blonde bantams, both stepping out of retirement with an eye toward recapturing past glory. Similar in that while both have live athletic bodies and probably could have been great boxing stylists, they are both brawlers at heart. Oddsmakers considering a fight where both have been inactive until recently. Jenny Mac a “big’ bantam who pushes the lightweight limit whereas Jamie’s smallish bantam who’s actually a multiple time flyweight champ (as well as bantam champ). Size advantage to McCarthy ultimately outweighed by Pressly’s Hall of Fame pedigree, five year age difference and the fact that the one prior time they met, Jamie TKO’d Playmate in the 5th. Pressley installed as solid favorite.
Pre fight press conference: J-Mac’s used to dominating the presser with bombast but nonplussed by Jaime’s sly tweaks … feigned praise “Jenny was giving me all I could handle when we fought back in 2010 … until I knocked her out in the 5th! But props to her, she was a great tune up fight and I went on to take the bantam belts from Lilly in my next fight … I think grabbing the bantam straps that fifth time really put me over and got me into the FCBA Hall of Fame …” On and on … Jenny can’t get mic time!!! Visibly seething at the first meeting being called a “tune up fight” for Pressly and blonde’s repeated reference to the Hall of Fame. When press finally asks “Jenny, any thoughts or comments on the upcoming fight?”, flustered McCarthy sputters, “…. NO!”
Tess Valmore tweets “Seen Mac shut out in the ring – never thought I’d see her shut out at the presser!”
Fight Night: Big crowd on hand, a few years off does not change the fact that these two blonde bombshells can fill a building. Bobby Darrin croons “Oh the shark, babe … has such teeth dear …” and tight lipped McCarthy to ring first, accompanied by Sceej head trainer Scrubby McGee and stablemate Adrianne Palicki, in her favorite scarlet bikini with the big brass ring hip connectors, red gloves and tight ponytail. Jenny not her usual clowning self. Exaggerated eye roll for Tess Valmore in the press row and cold glare for Front Street contingent ringside – Grand Wizard, Neve Campbell, and Cassie Scerbo.
Aerosmith’s “Girls of Summer” and here comes Jamie Pressly (a nod to the fact that Jaime starred in the music video!) . Royal blue bikini, white gloves, hair a blonde tossle, accompanied by Empire head trainer Monic Belluci and … oh no she din’t … Kate freakin’ Beckinsale?!!
Bedlam in the ring! J-Mac screaming at ref that she won’t fight if “that bytch” is in Pressley’s corner. FCBA official from ringside exasperated and explaining to Jenny that Kate is a duly licensed trainer for Empire and has every right to be there. McCarthy screeching “F*ck this! Fight’s off! I’m leaving!” … until it is explained to her that leaving at this point will not be a mere cancellation of the fight, it will constitute a forfeit loss. K-Becks all smirks, leading to an aborted lunge at the Empire corner by Jenny, who is corralled by Adrianne Palicki. All in 10-15 minutes elapse in the chaos ... and the whole time Jaime Pressly lightly shadow boxing and hitting hands of head trainer Bellucci.
Grand Wizard laughing and exaggerated face palm, “You can’t make this up – she’s actually icing herself!!!” When Cassie inquires what he means, the Wiz elaborates, “Cassie, how long do you spend before a fight hitting pads in locker room? About 20-30 minutes? Get the muscles warm and loose? Well, while the blonde genius rages about who works her opponent’s corner, she’s cooling off, right? And look at Pressly? Bellucci knows what she’s doing … keep her warm … keep her loose … keep her ready. This is NOT an official prediction but don’t be surprised if it’s a KO in the first!”
Round 1: Bell and McCarthy storms Empire corner – it’s the Jenny Blitz. Pressly slips telegraphed overhand right and skips to center ring. Jenny turns … pauses … turns back and throws lunging right hook over ropes at Kate Beckinsale!!! Punch barely misses shocked Brit. Ref over and reading Jenny the riot act … Beckinsale on ring apron demanding an immediate disqualification … and the referee is deducting a point!!! Less than ten seconds into the fight and Jenny McCarthy is having a point deducted!!! Jenny snarling … turns toward Pressly, who beckons “come on” with glove. Jenny jab jab … then big right to head which Jaime slips. Ducking inside, Jaime lets hands go … left right left to Playmate ribs, exclamation point is a right uppercut to the jugs and Jamie bounces out. McCarthy settling down (finally!), stalks with left dangling at hip, right tight to cheek, looking to bait smaller blonde into exchanges … and Jaime Pressly is dead game! Patented “Pressly Pounce” … in … does damage with left hook to ribs, left to temple, right to jaw … then out as McCarthy late with the receipt. Again, Jaime in, does damage, and back out – her hand and foot speed clearly flustering Playmate. Mac bulls Pressly to ropes, doubles left to blonde flank but Jamie tight with the defense … and Jenny Mac head snapped with left uppercut!!! Pressly slaps McCarthy to ropes, reversing position and let’s hands go – blinding display of hand speed. Nothing howitzer heavy but volume of bombardment has McCarthy lolling on ropes, stunned and hurt. Big right to the jaw at bell and Playmate’s knees buckle …. loops arm around top rope to keep from going down. Huge opening round – near shut out Jaime Pressly. A 10-8 round without knockdown … and it’s a 10-7 round with the point deduction!
Round 2: Scrubby McGee grabs Jenny’s chin and forces eye contact, “Ya know who yer fightin’? Da goil whose name was on da fookin’ contract? Pressly … Pressly!!!! Now fight her and forget about da rest!”
Empire corner, Kate Beckinsale to Pressley, “You see? Just as I said– she’s a aild animal! Easily goaded, easily controlled, and ultimately, easily brought to heel by a firm civilized hand!”
McCarthy out of corner more focused, both mitts at chin, stalking the little blonde will o the wisp. Jamie pawing with range finder jab … then again the pounce, left right to the body … cuffing left to the jaw … but this time Mac responds with thudding left to Pressly ribs. Cat and mouse game … Pressly looking to get in, damage and get out but increasingly McCarthy landing in response and with heavier leather. Late in round, Jaime mistimes a foray and gets rung up with McCarthy right to the forehead that puts a shimmy in her knees. Best punch of the round and steals a close round for J-Mac. 10-9 McCarthy.
Round 3: Tactical round. Pressly using foot speed to circle perimeter while Mac holds center ring. Jamie dictating terms, forays in behind the jab and letting hands fly. McCarthy taking it well, guard tight, and looking for chances to clinch, then wrestle smaller blonde all big girl. Pressly able to squirm free without damage but the mauling wrestling is leeching strength from smaller blonde. At thirty second mark, Jenny lands blunt right to temple and scrappy Jamie responds with left to Mac forehead and hard right to the jaw which gets her the round. 29-26 Pressly after three rounds.
“Good round, Jamie!” chirps Cassie Scerbo, “Back in control”. Grand Wizard simply watching intently.
Neve Campbell looking pensive, “There’s such a thing as winning battles and losing the war. Not much to be gained wrestling in close with a girl almost ten pounds heavier … you get worn down.”
Round 4: Pressly off stool with purpose. Everything crisper. Feints left and slips inside taller Playmate and bangs body. Whenever McCarthy looks to clinch, K-Becks immediately up on ring apron demanding a referee’s break, and Pressly free to roam and dictate. In and out … do your damage and get out of Dodge! McCarthy missing with left hooks and right uppercuts … visibly frustrated … ring rust showing? Third minute … Pressly working on a shutout round. One too many times with the feigned left opener and McCarthy times the overhand right and catches Jaime coming in flush to the jaw. Pressly wide eyed … stepping in post holes … pushes out a “keep away from me” left as grim faced J-Mac advances. Bodies smaller woman to the ropes, then bounces her into cables and sinks the right hand to the ribs. Crippled Pressly sags and J-Mac twists body into left uppercut and Jamie Pressly puddles at her feet. Count is waived off as Empire seconds into the ring to
tend to Pressly (with notable exception of Beckinsale, who stands back a cautious distance).
Jenny McCarthy defeats Jaime Pressly by knockout in the 4th round.
Post fight: never a huggy feely type, Jenny Mac does visit Empire corner to check on Pressly. Pressly offers a groggy grin and says “That’s one each. You know we gotta do a tie breaker now, right bytch?”
Jenny chuckles, “I’m free right now if you want a rematch …” then spying Beckinsale, “Or if anyone else feels like stepping up!” Tense few seconds until Adrianne Palicki to corner (still the gangly kid sister of Sceej Boxing in her mid 30s), “Great win, Mac! Great win … c’mon … Blonde Magazine wants to interview you!” (and just like that … tension defused)
Ringside, Front Street ladies rise to leave and Grand Wizard interjects, “Gimme a minute, girls, I gotta collect on a bet.”
Neve Campbell, incredulous, “You bet on freakin’ McCarthy?!!”
Wiz, “Nah, tell you the truth, I though Jamie’d take her.”
Cassie, “But then … how … what the …”
Wiz, “I said I thought Jamie would win … but I don’t bet what I think, I bet what I know! And I know these two are both free swingers, right? And I know, let’s face it, a fighter gets a little north of forty years old, the reflexes start to go … and so does the defense. And I also had a little insider information> See Neve dropped by Empire … just a little friendly visit … harmless, right? Maybe Neve gives Jaime a couple of pointers from the fighter who wrote the book on beating a certain blonde bimbo. Well, I come to learn that Kate Becks is gonna be working the Empire corner, which means McCarthy’s gonna be a frothing maniac .. which means recklessness … which means she’s going all in early ….
And at that point, Tess Valmore steps up smiling and interjects “… which means the bet Wizard placed was that it wouldn’t go five - that someone wins by knockout in under five rounds! And that bet is paying for our dinner! Let’s go!” |
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