| Adrianne Palicki versus Serinda Swan(Words: Sceej / Results: Lookout!)
Showdown of two lightweights (with question marks attached) trying to claw their way into the title picture. Serinda Swan with a stunning stellar record of 42 wins in 57 fights but criticisms of level of competition persist and notwithstanding success as Queen of the Ice Hotel, has never held undisputed lightweight championship (to be fair, she’s never challenged either.) Adrianne Palicki, less impressive on paper with 29 wins in 53 fights, but is a two time lightweight champion, and “the Chin Checker” is in the discussion for the hardest puncher in the FCBA. Sub 500 record of late but reunited with veteran trainer Scrubby McGee, who she enjoyed her greatest success with.
Mutual respect between the two combatants. Palicki on Swan “I don’t buy the criticism of Serinda’s record. She’s fought a lot of Asylum cards, sure, but the girl has won nearly 75% of her fights, for goodness sake. No one wins at that rate in the FCBA unless they are pretty damn special in the ring.
Swan on Palicki “Well, I don’t hear the naysayers now? Booked me the “Chin Checker” herself and not in Philly, no ‘home field’ advantage. I know her rep … this girl hits you on the chin square, you go to sleep! Thing is … she won’t hit Serinda Swan square. Gonna let her burn off a little of that power early , get into that skinny body a little, then get her out into the deep end of the pool and then we’ll see who gets checked!”
Fight night! Sound system blares Pat Benatar’s “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” and Palicki to ring, accompanied by head Sceej trainer Scrubby McGee and second Jenny McCarthy. Robe off shows Adrianne in orange crochet bikini with black gloves and boots. Switch music and guitar distortions of Jimi’s “Foxy Lady” signals the approach of “The Hottest Player in the Game” Serinda Swan … accompanied by Front Street trainers Jewel and Neve Campbell. Swan disrobe reveals scarlet bikini with white gloves and boots. Swan over rope, last minute word with the Grand Wizard seated ringside with assorted Front Streeters and guests … Beth Harnois … Kat Dennings … Taylor Hill (late of Sceej Boxing) … Cassie Scerbo … Poindexter del Crunchy …
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’ve got an issue early! Jenny McCarthy pointing and yelling at Neve Campell, “Don’t you eyeball me, Campbell! Do NOT eyeball me!!!”; Neve with bemused smirk (further infuriating blonde nemesis). Referee brings fighters to center for instructions, pointedly ordering Jenny to remain in corner (where she sulks like a scolded kindergartener)
Round 1 – Girls to center ring, classic boxer puncher stances with lefts high and rights at the cheek. Trade of jabs favors the taller Palicki. Swan on perimeter, seemingly flustered by lanky reach, frowning. Palicki focused, steel eyed. Swan feigns jab and looks to get close to work the body … and is RUNG UP by overhand right! Swan baby stepping, visibly shook. Palicki marching on rattled brunette and Swan clinches. Fighters wrestle to ropes. Jenny Mac on ring apron, “She’s holding, ref, she’s holding!!!”. Amazon Adrianne works hands free and goes left right to the body, Swanny grunting. Bell rings and it’s a shut out first round for Palicki.
Round 2 – between rounds, Neve calm in Serinda’s ear. “Slip that jab, got it? Then get inside and left right left to her body … and really dig that last one. You’ll sap that power right out of her!” Adrianne back out in straight up stance, Serinda now with dukes at her chin in inverted ‘V”. Swan bobbing and weaving, fading away from that long jab, looking to time a rush. When tall girl leaves jab out a little long, brunette beauty slides under it and hops to - left right to rib cage, then digs the shovel hook to the liver and Adrianne winces noticeably. Looks to tie up but Swan violent in wrestling, gets right hand loose and lands cuffing right hand to Palicki temple. Referee separates and Palicki backpedals, Swan in pursuit. Palicki jab now not the howitzer, it’s the “keep away from me” jab and Swan not buying it Walks through the jab and punishes lanky opponent with gutting right to the sternum. Palicki again drapes for the clinch. Swan returns the favor with a shutout second and even fight after two.
Round 3 – Scrubby McGee, “Ya stand yer ground, Addie! Don’t let her chase ya round – you dig in and you make her pay if she tries that bulrush bullshit!”. Serinda Swan back to her fighter’s crouch, marching on Palicki, who give up canvas more reluctantly, and thumps the Front Streeter guard with left and overhand right, Swan answers with thumping left hook to Palicki body. Chess match continues – taller fighter looking to keep brunette at range, while Serinda looks to work inside. Late in the round, Swanny backing Palicki up when big girl plants, digs back foot into canvas, and cracks right hand lead which swivels brunette’s head. Stumbles two steps back and bell ends round with Palicki grabbing the lead in the fight!
Round 4 – And now it is Serinda Swan, storming back! Focused, fierce … moving the head to get inside and once in there sets up shop! Head in Amazon’s chest, she walks tall girl back to ropes and thudding shots to lanky body. Palicki sapped by body attack, sets up earmuff, occasionally clipping Serinda chin with retaliatory uppercut – but not enough to dissuade relentless body attack. End of round and it is a forlorn looking Adrianne Palicki back to corner. Round to Swan - Neve Campbell beaming … clearly Swan has been well schooled by “The Body Snatcher”!
Round 5 – Serinda Swan marching on Palicki, who appears greatly reduced by pounding of last round. The girls clinch, but Serinda the stronger at this point, forces tall girl back to ropes and once again, it’s all body, all the time. No single crippling shot but steady bombardment has Palicki sagging, trying desperately to tie up those brunette pistons! Swan with grim smile on her face, feels strength bleeding out of her opponent. One minute mark, Adrianne gambles and twists hips into a left uppercut .. which lands right on the chin!!! Stunned Swan suddenly upright and blinking … and takes hammer like right to the forehead! Swan now reeling. Palicki desperate to finish, loads up that big right which whizzes past Swan chin as stricken fighter pulls back at last moment. Ringside, Cassie Scerbo murmurs, “That woulda knocked out a rhino!”. Amazin’ Adrianne Palicki storms back to steal the fight with last minute fireworks!
Round 6 – And the dance continues! Campbell and Jewell working on Swan, icing neck, “Now listen … she’s gonna come hard, got it? She’s looking to finish- and THAT is when she is vulnerable! Now knock her ass out and let’s get to the victory party!”. And in fact, Sceej corner is encouraging just that! Scrubby McGee, “She’s hurt … don’t let her off da hook! She’s still dangerous … get after her but be careful, Addie goil! Keep yer chin tucked down!”
Jenny McCarthy just slightly less eloquent, “Flatten this dancing hooker! I need a drink!”
Back and forth it continues. Serinda Swan out of her crouch now, using jab to move in and then letting hands go … left right to the body and then whizzing left hook to the head, Palciki snaking neck back to avoid, and countering with furious overhand right which glances off top of brunette pate. Mid-point of the round, center ring, both girls winging leather. Some excellent defensive fighting as elbows pick off body shots and head shots are slipped but both women taking punishment as well. Late in round, Serinda leaps into a left hook which rings up Palicki jaw and taller woman’s knees shimmy. As seconds tick down, Swan bulls her to ropes and belts her left right to ribs, again left right to ribs, Palicki being pushed back but first through ropes, then clips her right uppercut on the button. Swan trying to force eye contact as Palicki wanders to corner. McCarthy on ring apron barking at Swan. Round to Swan! All even after six grueling rounds! Crowd leaps to feet, applauding wildly. Grand Wizard with a measured clap, nods to Pointy “Helluva fight, eh?”
Round 7 – Neve Campbell, “She’s ready to go now! You feign to her body – she’ll flinch - and then you bust her up top and she’ll go down!”
Jenny McCarthy, “Lissen you big dummy! If she gets you on the ropes like that, you get her back to ref and hook her trunks, got it?”
Scrubby McGee, with a withering look at J-Mac, “Addie … you’re in this … yer gonna win, got it? If she get you on the ropes, you clinch – don’t wrestle her, just hold her … and when the ref breaks ya, ya skip behind da ref … it’ll keep her off ya a couple seconds longer and let ya get set! Now go get her!”
Fighters out and Swan with pace and purpose, once again in the crouch. Palicki spitting jabs but legs are gone – can’t get on toes and outmaneuver smaller girl but the jab keeping Swan at distance. Front Street corner calls for patience … patience … then Neve shouts “NOW!” and Swan drives on Palicki with left right to ribs, picked off by elbows but forced lanky opponent to cables. Palicki ties up, using length to frustrate Serinda, who violently looking to pull hands free and burning energy. Sceej corner calling for break and ref resets them. After halfway mark Palicki, conserving strength, getting her legs back as Serinda Swan reaches for the head atop that long neck, trying to find the off switch. Sloppy close round … near the bell, Palicki catches Swan with right hand lead to the jaw which shakes the brunette and probably steals the round. Palicki up one point with three rounds to go – still anybody’s fight.
Round 8 – “Pressure, pressure pressure!” urges Neve, “No breaks! You hear me? No breaks – don’t let this b*tch breathe!”. Both girls shopworn after seven grueling rounds but Serinda seems slightly fresher. Swan back to both dukes under the chin and stalking Palcki, looking for range with the jab and shooting odd right hand to body or head . Palicki with legs back, fighting a tactical retreat, until the one minute point. Digs toes of back foot into canvas and unleashes huge right hand lead flush on the jaw. The diamond cutter! Swan with big head swivel, amazingly holds footing a moment but Palicki’s follow up left hook is an afterthought, barely grazes chin. Swan falls back starfished. Count is a formality as most Serinda can do is slightly raise head … staring at ref with unfocused eyes.
Winner by knockout in the 8th round … Amazin’ Adrianne Palicki!
Serinda Swan raised to seated position and then guided to stool by Jewell and Neve. Palicki to corner to check on opponent, takes Serinda’s head in hands and exchanges encouraging words.
Post fight interview: “Wow … I’ve been in some back and forth fights but not like that! She gave me all I could handle. Serinda Swan is the goods. I just really really hope she’s not looking for a rematch any time soon!”
Scrubby McGee jubilant, has already cracked open bottle of Jameson. Jenny McCarthy sulking in corner. Side eye for Adrianne when she gets back to corner, ‘You should’ve walked the b*tch!” Adrianne, “Awww, Jenny … I don’t want to be a bad sport!”
Ringside and Cassie Scerbo asks the Wizard how much he lost. “Nothing” replies the Man in the Hat. “You bet Palicki?!!” responds Cassie incredulously.
“Nah … took a pass on this one. See, I thought Serinda would win – would not have taken the fight if I didn’t think she’d win, but I didn’t KNOW that she’d win, and as I’ve explained, ‘grasshopper’, the ol’ Wiz only bets on things he KNOWS are gonna happen. “ Then to his younger fighters, “Taylor, you’re young … but I’ve seen this happen before. That big skinny girl scout up there? She’s all lioness. And that lioness is gonna have to be tamed …. and just maybe that means you’re the one got to bring the whip and the chair, capeesh?” Taylor Hill nods thoughfully.
“And Kat?” Kat Dennings’ ears perk up, “See the blonde in the corner? The one who looks like she oughta be working the gentlemen’s club across from the spectrum? Day shift of course (which draws laughs from the Front Street contingent) She’s been a .. what’s the word … an ‘annoyance’ to me for a long long time. Thought we were done with her FINALLY … but now she’s got this comeback on her mind, see? And … I am kind of sick of seeing her … and listening to her - cept when she’s making ME money with her gibberish on the Asylum broadcasts, which fans seem to like for reasons I will never u understand(more laughs from Front Street contingent). So it wouldn’t be a bad thing to see this so-called comeback stopped dead in its tracks. And could just be you are going to have to do a little number on the (ahem) ‘greatest self promoting Playmate of all time’, that gonna be a problem?”
Kat Dennings looks up at Jenny McCarthy in the ring and smirks, “Problem, Wiz? Nah … it’d be a pleasure … and a piece of cake!” |
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