Nicole Kidman vs Charlize Theron

Results by Lookout: Story by Tractorpull

TALE OF THE TAPE

Nicole Kidman
Age 53
Height 5’10 1/2”
9-18-0

Charlize Theron
Age 45
Height 5’9 1/2”
275-121-12
8 Unified Lightweight titles
7 Unified Welterweight titles
1 Middleweight title
3 Maxim Lightweight titles
2 Paramount Lightweight titles
1 Reebox Lightweight title
2 Reebox Lightweight titles
2 Paramount Lightweight title
Initial member of the Hall Of Fame

BEFORE

Nicole and Charlize are both at the podium.

Nicole “Sixteen years ago, I had already won an Academy Award and there was this jealous blonde bytch who couldn’t act and wanted to fight me. She kept on mouthing off so finally I gave in”

Charlize: “I’m the jealous blonde bytch.She made me fly to Australia, fight on a private beach owned by her friend Naomi Watts and everybody there was Australian, even my corner men”

Nicole “It turned out be one of the most vicious fights in FCBA history, probably the most vicious. We fought topless, wearing scuba gloves which is almost bare fisted”

Charlize: “The bout had barely started when the fouling started. Both of us fouled, but I think she got the best of fouling

Nicole: As soon as it started you threw sand it my face

Charlize: “You deserved it”

Nicole: “In one round, she grabbed me and threw me through the ropes out to the beach. We slugged it out on the beach and into the ocean surf. The referee had to haul us back to the ring”

Charlize: I was winning going into the tenth and final round when she really fouled. She kept on driving her knee between my legs”

Nicole: “I beat her to a pulp. I ruined her. She was a helpless wreck when the round ended, but my fellow Aussies gave her the decision. I guess they were just being polite to the visitor”

Charlize: “It’s true, I was out with the ropes helping me stay up, but I punched you stupid for most of the fight. That’s why I got the decision. It was so obvious they couldn’t do anything else. After the bout, I almost couldn’t get on the plane. They said in my condition it wouldn’t be safe to fly”

Nicole: I hated her guts. I never wanted to see her again”

Charlize: “I wanted to get an uzi and spatter her all over a wall”

Nicole: “Then we started running into each other at award shows. So as to not appear rude to everyone there, we started having a few words and that developed into long conversations”

Charlize: “I found out that she was not the stuck up mega star, but she was really nice and we kept on bumping into each other at shows and conversations became longer and we became good friends”

Nicole: “ After she won her Academy Award, she invited to dinner at a fancy restaurant and she brought her Oscar and set on the table where I would have to look at it all night. That’s class, but I thought it was funny and we became even closer friends.”

Charlize: “That’s what brought us here tonight. We are going try to recreate that fight on the beach. It will be back to the old days, the jealous bytch vs The stuck up mega star”

Nicole: I don’t want to disappoint you all, but we are not fighting topless or using scuba gloves and there will be no fouling. Neither of us foul .We learned a lesson in that fight. We are too old for that stuff.The better actress will win meaning me”

Charlize: In your dreams”

THE FIGHT

Nicole comes in wearing a maroon bikini. Her blonde hair in a pony tail. Charlize is wearing her usual creme colored bikini, her hair as usual in corn rows. Her feet are encased in creme colored boxing boots. Carey taught her a lesson. She is not fighting barefooted anymore

Round 1. They meet in the center of the ring, touch gloves and back off Charlize poke Nicoles face with a jab, Nicole responds with right jab, harder, punching Theron’s head back. Kidman lands another jab and another. She got a rhythm. She’s using Charlize's head as a speed bag. She has Charlize trapped in a corner. Nicole’s head is down as she moves down and pounds away at the Goddess’s midsection. Charlize finally manages to get her gloves on Nicole’s shoulder, but before she can push her away, a Kidman right splits her arms and snaps Theron’s chin back. Nicole is having a field day reefing punches into Theron’s midsection and an occasional uppercut to the chin. Two and a half minutes into the fight and Theron has thrown only one punch. She is just taking and taking. The referee is watching closely, but he sees no sign that Theron is going out or is totally defenseless. Charlize finally is able to get her gloves up to Kidman’s chest and pushes her back and lands a hook to Kidman’s chin at the bell. Charlize meanders back to her corner where Robbie and Lawrence are waiting. Her midsection is beet red from the pounding of Kidman’s gloves. As she sits down, Lawrence is in her face “What the hell are you doing. You threw two punches the whole f—-ing round. I’m was the welter champ and you are nothing but an old lady I’m fifteen years younger and 15 pounds heavier. You keep this up and will take your butt out back and beat the living crap out of you and leave you there. Do you get that” and then Lawrence hauls off and slaps Charlize hard across the face. Charlize is enraged as the bell rings for round two

Round 2 Charlize is off her stool, the red marks of Lawrence’s slap very visible. Charlize knows she moves better and hits a lot harder than her friend. She waits in the center of the ring for Nicole to engage. Kidman uses that right jab that was so successful in round 1, but Theron slaps it away and pokes a right and left into Kidman’s bra. The punches shock Kidman into the realization that this is a real fight. Kidman unleashes a right cross that sails over Theron’s head as she ducks down and comes up with a right to Kidman’s stomach. A left uppercut straightens Kidman up and a right cross send Nicole back to the ropes. As Charlize moves in, a Kidman right cross lands on the side of her head, driving Theron back and to her right. Kidman follows and the two are toe to toe punching each others faces. Charlize is getting the better of it and Kidman backs off. Charlize pursues. Left and right crosses crash into Kidman’s head. In desperation Kidman comes up with an uppercut that catches Theron’s chin buckling her legs. Charlize manages to stay on her feet and a right cross swivels Kidman’s head at the bell. As Charlize returns to her corner there is a little smile on Lawrences face

Round 3 After that uppercut to Theron’s chin didn’t put the younger blonde down, Nicoles knows the only way she is going to win this fight is to slug it out and hope for the best, maybe get that “lucky punch” Charlize moves in expecting one of Kidman’s jabs, but instead she is the victim of slashing right cross to her left ear that sends her staggering. Another Kidman cross sails over her head and Charlize drills a right into Kidman’s side. Kidmans moans in pain but rips an uppercut to Theron’s chin buckling her legs. A overhand right lands between Theron’s eyes. Theron’s hurt, but she fights back with a uppercut to Kidman’s jaw and then goes to work on Kidman’s chest driving Kidman back to the center of ring with punch after punch landing on Kidman’s chest. Kidman’s frantic. She retaliates with right to Theron’s bra. Then a left and another right. Theron moves in close, The two start ponding away at each other breasts. Chalize’s face showing the pain, but she stops Kidman’s assault with a right to the face at the bell Kidman survived the round, and Theron is standing and moving well. As Charlize approaches her corner, a unsatisfied Lawrence is getting ready to blast the Goddess across the face again when Robbie grabs her arm and says “now is not a good time” Lawrence put’s Theron’s head between her hands and holding her still, gives her suggestions. Theron nods

Round 4 Kidman is discouraged. She hit Charlize with everything she had and she sees Theron coming toward her. Theron’s eyes are fixed on her like a Cat’s eyes waiting to pounce on unsuspecting prey. It’s chilling. It’s the first round in reverse.Theron has the upper hand and she lands jab to Kidman’s chin punching her back into a corner. Theron is in no hurry. She just punches away at Kidman’s belly, moves up to her breasts and then to her head and back down and back up again. Kidman manages a jab or two, but takes a beating. Crowd is wondering why Theron doesn’t finish her off. Why does she just punish? In Theron’s corner, Lawrence is again livid. “When didn’t you end this farce?” Theron: “She my good friend, I don’t want to knock her out. I want her to quit” In Kidman’s corner there is discussions of throwing in the towel. Kidman says no “If you throw in the towel, you can look for a new job”

Round 5 Charlize sees KIdman coming out for the round. She doesn’t know how to end this. Kidman pushes out a jab that Charlize bats away. A Kidman right cross sails over a ducking Theron’s head. A Kidman over hand
misses and Charlize dips and comes up with a blistering right hook that sinks deeply into Kidman solar plexus. Kidman clutching her belly sinks to her knees and then pitches forward on her face. The referee points Charlize to a corner but Theron tells him she is staying put and just count her out. At ten, Charlize drops her knees to look at Nicole’s eyes. Her corner men are there and they get Kidman to her feet. Charlize then gives her friend a hug and says something only Nicole will know

AFTER

Nicole and Charlize are side by side “Kidman; “When I accepted this fight with this annoying blonde bytch, I know it was going to be tough. I knew I would be a huge underdog. In Vegas, even with long odds no one was betting on me. Charlize is the Greatest Of All Time. She’s had more fights in a year than I have had in my not so illustrious career. I had a thought about redoing that beach fight and I thought why not” Charlize speaks up “the attempting to recreate the fight was a mistake. Not that Nicole couldn’t win. She could, but I will never fight a good friend again. I just can’t do it. It’s a no win game. If I lose it’s a disaster and if I win, I feel terrible. Now I’m getting a bottle of Vodka and I am joining Nicole and her husband for some off time so they can tell me what jealous bytch I am. Nicole “by the way you know what was the hardest punch of the night. That’s when Lawrence slapped the crap out my friend here. I not, only saw it, I heard it. The folks in the first rows also heard it” Charlize, “Well it did it’s job”