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Adrianne "The Chin Checker" Palicki v Taylor "The Face" Hill - Battle of Champions
(Words: Sceej / Results: Lookout!)
The fight that hypes itself! Defending lightweight champion Taylor Hill looking for the ultimate statement win - not only turning back the dreaded Chin Checker but also sticking it to the stable that turned her loose only a short time ago. Reigning welterweight champion Adrianne Palciki looking to become that rarest of the rare - a simultaneous two division champion!
And were that not enough … the oddly ominous presence of a salon chair ringside … a looming reminder that Sceej Boxing’s then acting manager, Jenny “Mac the Knife” McCarthy, was duped into betting her own hair on the outcome of the fight!!!
Press conference cancelled when it is learned that BOTH stables were planning to turn out with muscle “just in case”. Recall Big Bad Gena Lee Nolin is serving a one month ban from arenas - not pressers.
Afternoon weigh in: Taylor Hill - 127 pounds ... Adrianne Palicki ... 132 1/4 pounds?!! Lightweight limit is 130. Neve Campbell the Front Street rep shrugs "She's gonna have to sweat that off". Jenny McCarthy going berserk about "sportsmanship" (ever think you'd see Jenny going off about THAT???) until enraged Scrubby tells her to shut up and sit down! “Ya Bloody Blonde Eedjit!!! Ye had no business booking Addie to a lightweight fight … and on less den one month's notice!” Jenny sits down with the pissed off pout (nervously stroking her hair?) and Adrianne is off to skip rope in the steam room! Back in an hour looking drawn and pale ... steps on scale ... 130 1/2 pounds! Palicki starts back to steam room but Big Bad Gena Lee with a knowing smirk ... has Robyn Lawley help her hold up a sheet in front of scale (and offer a modicum of privacy from the assembled press) and tells the notoriously shy Palicki - "Strip, kid!". Adrianne blushing red - strips - and makes 130 on the dot! Steps off scale unsteadily, mumbling "Water ... I need water ..."
Fight night: Principles are cool but the rival camps are boiling! Taylor is defending her belt so Palicki to ring first to strains of LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out!”, accompanied by Scrubby McGee and Jenny McCarthy … followed by Robyn “Godzilla” Lawley and Olivia “The Munnster” Munn - all in Sceej Boxing regalia. Palicki disrobes and the Chin Checker in familiar orange crocheted bikini, black gloves and boots. Palicki looking noticeably leaner than in her recent welterweight bouts - putting some of those who bet on her at ill ease - big question is this gonna hurt her stamina if the fight goes long. Lawley and Munn on ring apron as the referee is enforcing oft ignored rule of only two seconds in the ring. Jenny mugging to crowd “See? I told you! I’ve raised an army! Jenny-mandias - look upon my works and piss your pants!”
Jenny’s rant interrupted by the sounds of Imagine Dragons … and here comes the reigning lightweight champion - Taylor “The Face” Hill … flanked by trainers Neve Campbell and Grace Park … and behind her is Front Street Boxing in all its glory! Eilish, Scerbo, Stewart, Mudd, Bennet, Reihart, Dennings, McMann, Atherton, Perry … seated ringside are the Man in the Hat, Beth Harnois, Poindexter Del Crunchy … and to Jenny Mac’s shock and horror … Big Paulie!
Robyn Lawley whispers to Oliva Munn “Jeeeeeezus Christ!”. Munn, “They got more in the locker room ….” Jenny McCarthy fumbling for phone, cursing under breath “... goddam idiot Nolin getting herself suspended … I need more troops! Hello, office? Is Prejean there? Well find her and get her skinny cowardly ass down ringside pronto! We’re like Custard’s Last Stand down here!”
Hill killing the disrobe - jet black bikini with white boots, black tassels, white gloves.
Alison Brie in ring at the mic, and at a signal from the Man in the Hat - Alison starts the main event of the evening!
“Ladies and gentlemen … welcome to the main event of the evening … ten rounds of boxing for the undisputed FCBA lightweight championship! Introducing first … the challenger … she comes to us with a record of 46 wins against 34 losses. She is herself a two time lightweight champion … two time and current welterweight champion … they call her the Chin Checker … Adrianne Palicki!”
“And now introducing ...the defending champion … she comes to us with an incredible record of 25 wins against only 3 losses … she is the defending lightweight champion … the pride of Philadelphia … Taylor “The Face” Hill!”
Girls to center ring for instructions from the referee .. Hill looking for eye contact but Palciki head down. Jenny Mac chirping (who saw THAT coming?), “You’re goin’ down, Hill! And don’t you eyeball me, Campbell! Not fighting set ups and tomato cans like those bums at the Asylum now, huh Taylor! You’re gonna …”. Jenny stops mid-sentence, suddenly dry mouthed, as Neve Campbell coolly holds up cordless clippers, flicking them on to buzz ominously! On way back to corner, a shaken McCarthy offers a word of gentle encouragement to her stablemate.
“You better win, you big dummy!”
Round 1: Taylor Hill, up on toes and frisky, working behind the jab, figuring Adrianne not used to someone with the length to jab with her. Blonde roams outside, left dangling … occasionally shooting up to parry the model’s jab … but also whipping left hand into buggy whip hook to spank the brunette’s toned flank - and Tay don’t like it! Skips off to her right with A.P. in stalking pursuit, now with left off to paw aside the Hill jab. Taylor plants back foot and decides to get her respect! Left right to the head by Hillleft lands solid, right partly slipped, take a clanging left hook to the jaw in return. Taylor Hill beckoning with both fists “C’mon!” as Neve Campbell screams from corner “DON’T TRADE WITH HER!”. Brunette with right lead that bangs blonde forehead but takes gutting left to sternum in return and right hand cracks the temple … and there is a shimmy in Taylor Hill’s knees! Palicki looking to follow up but Hill latches on and clinches like an octopus - referee with a job to separate two big strong women. Once apart, Hill on her bicycle backpedaling running out round til the bell. Good first round for the Chin Checker!
Round 2 and 3: Hill getting read the riot act in the corner by Neve Campbell! “What did we train for? Ten rounds! Movement! Get in - hurt her - get out! And NEVER straight back! Angles!” Taylor nodding thoughtfully and then going out and executing thoughtfully! Jabs to establish distance … spanking left to ribs or right to forehead … then nifty little heel turns and out as increasingly frustrated welterweight champion fires wild right hands in response. Between rounds Neve advising, “Like we talked about … the swings and misses are gonna sap her strength. You fight smart but relaxed and pick up the pace! No break for her!” Hill increasingly aggressive, landing combinations and avoiding most of the counters. Late in the third, a smart left hook to the ribs, left hook to the jaw, straight right to the forehead (The Cherry Hill Special out of Bed Stuy Boxing) sedans Palikci stumbling back to the ropes and draws a roar from the crowd. Taylor leading chant of “Tay-lor” with glove above head as she heads back to corner - setting the pace and pulling ahead. Some wondering if that third was a 10-8 round without a knockdown as it was alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll Hill.
Round 4: Wild eyed J-Mac silenced with a death stare from Scrubby McGee. “Addie” he asks patiently, “are ye enjoyin’ da fight? Da one yer watchin’ in dere? Cuz dat’s wat yer doin … watchin! And now would be a fine dam time ta start fightin’ back!” Big blonde out of corner with dukes high, cheeks scalded, blushing from tongue lashing from trainer - but Scrubby knows how to push her buttons! Adrianne focused - when Taylor jabs, she jabs with - and slightly longer reach disrupts lightweight attack .. occasionally punishing jabe of the big girl landing flush, When Taylor looks to disengage, Adrianne steps in front - cutting the circling route and throwing left to the body. One particular hook lands flush and draws a grunt from the brunette, sho flurries with both hands against Palciki’s guard and gets tagged herself with nifty little uppercut. Taylor now a little out of sync and taking some punishment, backpedaling and using jab to keep opponent at distance. Palicki feints left to body and throws long looping right - catches her girl right on the end of it and Taylor Hill is shook - but game. Stumble to ropes but comes off firing - left right left but banging the Paliicki guard. Women close and begin to grind - taylor using hand speed to land more but Adrianne with heavier hands. At bell, they bat gloves - mutual respect. McCarthy livid in corner - “We’re not here to make friends! We need to win!”
Rounds 5 and 6: Neve Campbell, “You see what she does? Left feint and that long right lead? You don’t bite for the feint! You pull back … let her shot lose its zip then you come right back over her with your right! You’ll put her on her skinny ass! Trust me!” Taylor boxing slick and baiting little traps. Making the big puncher reach and then coming back over the top. Palicki flustered, in part because her usual height advantage is almost neutralized and the brunette has faster hands. Welter champ forced to clinch, bringing boos from crowd. Late in the sixth, Palicki lunges with the right … Hill snakes neck back and comes back with her own right … AND BLONDE GIRL DOWN! Right hand kisses the chin and Chin Checker is well and truly checked! Sitting mid-ring, looking at referee counting and blinking in shock. Jenny Mac apoplectic in corner: “GET UP! GET UP, YOU BIG DUMMY!!!” (as visions of a smooth shiny scalp flash through her head). Adrianne up at “8”, insisting she is alright but not looking it! And Taylor Hill is ON her! Bashing with both hands to flanks, hands on shoulder to walk bigger woman back to the ropes, and then back to the body. Crowd on its feet, sensing this could be over? Grand Wizard and Front Street contingent standing and cheering. Neve Campbell screaming “FINISH HER!” from corner but a battered Adrianne Palicki able to make it to bell. Taylor Hill chests up and hisses “I don’t wanna hurt you … don’t come back out!”. Palicki staring blankly.
Ringside, Poindexter Del Crunchy slaps a big hand on the Grand Wizard’s back, “She’s got her, old man!” but the Man in the Hat responds somewhat ruefully, “You mean she had her … and when you do, you need to finish! Been watching that big girl scout for over ten years and two things I know … she’s got heart … and she’s got a right hand that can change a fight with one shot! When she’s hurt - you need to finish! Taylor’s in great shape - she’s gonna win - but I’ll feel better when this one is over!”
Rounds 7 and 8: Sceej corner - McGee with ice on Palicki’s neck, whispering to her. McCarthy restrained by Lawley and Munn, shrieking maniacally “Fight back, you big dummy! Don’t you lose! Don;t you dare lose! Those Dancing Hookers mean to cut off my ....” and Mac glances over at the Front Street section …. and sees a gleeful Cassie Scerbo … and a snarling Kennedy McMann … and the menacing flat stare of Big Paulie … and Jenny McCarthy faints!
In ring, Taylor Hill is all in! Lefts and rights, battering the turtling welterweight champion to the ropes, then setting up camp. Body shots drawing pained grunts from the blonde. Hill smiling grimly, head on chest, just letting hands go, letting the shots accumulate. Blonde sagging at times … fighting back in spurts with short stuffing blows to the side of the head. Mid round, Palicki spins the brunette … and stuns her with a short right hand! Taylor Hill right back with a left hook but the blonde snakes long neck back and comes back over the top with another right and Hill’s knees shimmy! Palicki on her with left- right to the body and Hill clinches desperately. Palicki fighting to free hands as bell ends round and the welter champ has rallied. Front Street corner has Neve Campbell assuring a rattled Taylor Hill that she is NOT hurt. “She can hit - we knew that coming in - but you are the boss in there! Get in … put hands on her … and get out! Use your speed - use your legs. You’re the champion - you got this!” Eighth round and now it is Palciki dictating with that long reach and finally out jabbing Hill - Hill using speed to score occasionally but getting outworked and frustrated. Hill, ducks under jab, digs left to body, pops upright and eats leather - short right form the blonde has her stumbling back and longer follow up right and the lightweight champion is blessed on to her back! Roar of crowd resuscitates slumbering McCarthy - looking disoriented - then seeing Hill on her back a scream of exultation. Hill rolls to all fours at five, on one knee at seven and up at eight. Campbell from corner with one word “MOVE!”. Taylor looking to lope the perimeter but legs not quite there. Stalked by grim faced Palciki, right cocked, now pawing with left to find range. Taylor Hill with right hand - she needs to put some fear into this big girl - glances off temple and brunette takes wicked left hook to jaw in return and again the brunette’s knees buckle. She reaches out and clinches in desperation - Palicki violently trying to work hands free - lands short cuffing right to the temple. Referee in for break and Hill in full disorganized retreat. There’s the bell and not a second too soon for Taylor. Study in contrasts in corners. Front Street has park icing Hill neck and thighs, Campbell soothing in her ear, “You’re still ahead on points. We need another round though, Look to jab .. then circle right - got it? Right! Away from that damn right hand! You got this! You’re the best in the world!” Sceej corner has Scrubby McGee sagely “Doin’ great kid but yer still behind .. we need ta end dis ting … unnerstan? End it!!!” and Jenny McCarthy (banished from corner by McGee - now on arena floor) screeching “What’s wrong with you, you big dummy! You had her! Finish her right now!”
Round 9: Where she gets the reserves is anyone’s guess but Taylor Hill, after a two round battering, comes out bouncing and boxing slick. Left jab like a rapier .. pap … pap pap … and then she’s gone! Palicki’s counter right catching nothing but the brunette’s shadow. Eventually, Palicki drawn into repealed exchanges of jabs, occasional right crosses, and Hill’s speed is trumping the blonde’s length. Hill able to stabilize her front, right the ship, take the ninth round and head into the tenth with what most presume is a close fight - Hill leading by one, maybe two points on the cards. In the Front Street corner, Park rubbing down Hill’s shoulders. Neve Campbell reassuring , “Good round … good round … you’re ahead but is close. We need the tenth … nothing crazy bu you know her rep … she fades … if you see your chance, take her out!”. Sceej corner - McGee has Lawley restraining and trying to muzzle Jenny McCarthy - occasional frantic bursts “... knock her out … big dummy … (and a wailing) MY HAAAAAAIR!!!”. Scrubby McGee soothing, “You know you’re behind, right Addie? And you know what ya gotta do? Ya got t’ree minutes … now do it.”
Round 10: Crowd on its feet. Fighters to center ring, extend left hands to touch gloves and the “Battle of Champions” reaches its crescendo! Both girls with some bounce left in their legs, surprisingly after nine hard rounds. Mid-ring and Palicki looking to press the action and Taylor Hill is dead game. Probing left jab by Adrianne with hard right follow up, Hill slips the right and pops out of crouch and tags the big girl with a jolting left hook to the jaw that puts a shimmy in her knees. Palicki counters with right uppercut but Hill able to snake neck back and deliver her own right hand, grazes temple and the blonde is forced a step back. Crowd standing cheering, Front Street contingent roaring for the finisher - all save the Man in the Hat, “She’s still dangerous … just don’t get careless, kid!”. On comes Taylor Hill - left jab, overhand right … forcing Palicki back. Dips under blonde’s left hook counter and doubles left hook to the ribs. Palicki grunts and counters with straight right but it glances off temple. Hill right back with a left hook to the head … AND BLASTED TO HER BACK! TAYLOR HILL DOWN! Roar from crowd … ref begins count but its clearly a formality … Taylor’s eyelids fluttering … minimal effort to even rise to elbows. Overhead shows that Palciki beat Hill to the punch with that dreaded diamond cutter right - the Chin Checker got her back into one and it found the point of the brunette’s chin - Taylor Hill was out before she hit the canvas. Count is a formality - winner by knockout in the tenth … reigning welterweight and NEW lightweight FCBA champion … Adrianne “The Chin Checker” Palicki!
Post Fight: Munn and Lawley on feet applauding. Jenny McCarthy with an exultant “YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!” - slamming hands on ring apron! Adrianne Palicki dow on one knee, checking opponent with concern. Neve and Grace into ring to help Hill to corner, break the smelling salts under her nose and gently bring her around. Jenny Mac making a point of walking over to Front Street contingent and flipping blonde locks triumphantly. In ring, both fighters now center ring - referee turns over lightweight belt and raises Palicki hand. Palicki then unexpectedly raise Taylor Hill’s hand and the two have a brief hug. Some grumbling from Front Street fighters but the follow the Grand Wizard's lead as he stays on feet and claps thoughtfully. Jenny Mac ringside. “I’m gonna barf!” on seeing display of sportsmanship.
Brief in ring interview - Taylor Hill smiling, philosophical, “Look - it was a risk - but I am all about testing myself against the very best. Girl gets a rep for being the biggest, baddest? That’s who I want to fight. I think I proved I can hang with Adrianne … I think I was winning the fight up until - well, you saw - point is another minute and a half and I’d have pulled it off - then we’d be talking about me as the best pound for pound in the FCBA … in fact, we WILL be talking about that in the very near future.”
Adrianne Palicki, now with TWO belts - one over each shoulder, “Can’t believe this is happening! This time last year I was coming off four straight losses at light … I heard the “shot fighter” whispers believe me and I can’t really blame people for thinking that … and now here I am with TWO championships? All credit to Scrubby for straightening me out. Oh, and I have to say … Taylor Hill? Great great champion! Gave me all I could take … I know it was close … people are telling me I was actually behind? Huge respect for that girl! I’d give her a rematch any time she asks! What am I gonna do with two titles? Well, it sounds crazy but I don’t know! We’re gonna have to sit down and think on it. I dont know if it’s ever been done or if it can be done.
Scrubby McGee “I can tell ya’ dis … I ain’t lettin’ Addie defend two belts evr’y dam month!”
Fighters and seconds leave the ring … both getting standing ovations … Olivia Munn and Robyn Lawley struggling to restrain Jenny McCarthy, who DESPERATELY wants to get up to that ring microphone! |
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