JENNY McCARTHY V KATE BECKINSALE

FIFTH AND DECIDING FIGHT OF THE CORONATION SERIES

(results- Lookout, words - Sceej)

And it all comes down to this! This is not a rivalry, it is hatred! The “Coronation Series” was supposed to be Kate Beckinsale’s ticket to the FCBA Hall of Fame. The British champion had predicted a three fight sweep,giving her the needed one hundred fights and 60% winning percentage. Alas, it was not to be! The back and forth series stands knotted at two wins each and this last bout will not only determine the winner but it will likely be the final chapter in a rivalry that began all the way back in 2007 when Jenny McCarthy tired - and failed - to put an end to Kate’s infamous “Bunny hunt” - a tour of California where she fought and defeated over a dozen Playboy Playmates, their names ignominiously inscribed on bunny head charms and clipped to Kate’s bracelet - silver for Playmates of the Month, gold for Playmates of the Year … thus adding a gold Bunny charm inscribed “Jenny McCarthy 1994 PMOY” to Kate’s trophy bracelet! And over those years the rivalry has burned hotter and hotter - blonde v brunette … Irish v English … Mac the Knife v the Duchess.

The women have burned through their youth clawing at each other. Kate gloating over her presumed entry into the Hall of Fame. Jenny chortling that notwithstanding her long career, Kate was NEVER been a champion! Now, in what must be the twilight of their long and fabled careers, they meet again .. for what is likely the last time. Numerically, Kate has won the rivalry but there is a sense that THIS is the fight that will determine mastery.

PRESS CONFERENCE

For the first time ANYONE can remember, Jenny McCarthy is not throwing elbows to reach the microphone. Beckinsale addressing press as Mac smolders, “ Ladies and gentleman, we have reached the culmination ofthe Coronation series and by a happy coincidence, it shall live up to its lofty appellation, for my victory tonight, in my one hundred eighth contest, shall push me past the vaunted sixty percent winning percentage, and shall in fact be the predicate for my ‘coronation’ -if you will pardon the phrase - aa I take my rightful place among the elite of f boxing’s elite in the FCBA Hall of Fame!!!”

(British fans erupt in applause - beaming Kate soaks in the adulation - then quiets them)

“Thank you … thank you, my dear fans … please … allow me to finish … and as much as my entry into the Hall of Fame means to me, the moment will be made incalculably sweeter because I shall enter by stepping over the prone body of this over-hyped, talentless “Page 3” girl! This will be the final time I will soil my hands on one Jennifer Ann McCarthy.”

“It is a part of our shared history - the English lady called upon to discipline and impudent Irish scullery wench - and I assure you this silicone inflated bimbo shall feel the full measure of good English discipline!”

FIGHT NIGHT

Crowd buzzing in anticipation and erupting in applause when the sound system drones out a slapping bass and Mister Bobby Darrin croons “Oh the shark babe … has such teeth dear …” - Indeed - llook out ol’ Mac is back! Not the usual clowning from Jenny, piercing eyes could burn through lead - all business! Escorted by former light and welterweight champion Adrianne Palciki. This fight was the subject of intense negotiations with rumors of codicils and stipulations added - in fact, an FCBA official is at ringside WITH a copy of the contract in a sealed envelope. The only detail which HAS leaked is the absolute insistence by VIXENS that usual assistant trainer, Big Bad Gena Lee Nolin, be barred from working the corner. McCarthy drawing appreciative whistles, even from some British fans, during disrobe - kelly green thong bikini with white matching gloves and boots - a white shamrock on one cup and Playboy bunny logo on the other.

As the McCarthy applause dies down, sound system erupts into “God Save the Queen” and here comes the Duchess - Kate the Great - beaming royally and seconded by fellow Brit, Emma Watson of VIXENS. British fans travel well and they are shaking the roof as Kate favors them with the “screwing in a light bulb” wave - cheers overwhelming the boos from McCarthy partisans. Robe comes off and Kate in stunning bikini - royal blue bottoms, Union Jack on the cups, red boots and gloves.

Referee’s instructions feature a cold stare from McCarthy and contemptuous smirk from Becks. When ref asks for “a good clean fight …” Kate sneers, “I advise you keep a watchful eye on that Irish trull then …”. McCarthy eyes blazing, sputtering, turns to Palciki and hisses “What’s a trull?” Referee forgoes any request to “touch gloves” - this thing is already close to boiling over - and sends fighters back to their corners.

Round 1: Kate out of corner, tall with dukes up, right held back - classic boxer-puncher stance; McCarthy in an uncharacteristic crouch. Kate circling, sticking out that range finder jab - Jenny with good head movement so Kate not exacting a toll as J-Mac works inside, pounds ribs a left right before Kate can clinch and haughtily call “Break” to the referee as though she is entitled to a break on request! Referee dutifully breaks fighters and Jenny impatient, bull rushes in and gets rung up by a Beckinsale right hand lead that stops her in her tracks. Palicki in the corner calling, “Patience, Jenny, be patient!”. Mac backs off for re-set and K-Becks beacons her “Come on!” with gloves. McCarthy actually under control, moves in smart, tactical, bobbing and weaving, again thumping K-Becks to the body … then abruptly jerking up her head to clip Beckinsale chin! “Foul … foul …” Emma Watson screaming from the corner but the referee did not see it! Jenny extends arms and pushes dazed Brit into the cables and just goes to work - left to the ribs … left to the chin … back to the body … right hand to sternum ...brunette is swooning trying to hold on but Jenny pouring it on .... looking to repeat stunning first round knockout of last bout. Beckinsale taking punishment as bell rings … blonde chesting up and taunting “Sixty seconds, b*tch, I’ll see you in sixty short seconds!” Big first round for McCarthy … two judges calling it a 10-8 without a knockdown!

Round 2: Mac out of the corner hot! Walks through the brunette jab, puts palms on shoulders and walks her to ropes - K-Becks considered the slicker boxer but J-Mac the more physical specimen. Once on ropes, sets up shop, forehead between Beck’s assets - and moving hands, thumping lefts and rights to midriff, occasionally lifts left hook upstairs. Beckinsale fighting back, buffeting blond skull with little lefts and rights but too deep into ropes to get any power on the counters. Watson in corner screaming for clinch, Kate looking to wrap up and as women wrestle, grapple, Kate catches right uppercut in the groin. Brunette on ropes with stricken look, referee now separates fighters, finger wagging in Playmate face but he is NOT deducting a point - will later say it could have been accidental? McCarthy basically pushing ref aside to get back at hated foe … and is startled by a straight right hand by Kate. The two trade rights but Jenny the heavier puncher and Kate is on shaky legs. Jenny shoves her back and pounds straight right hand to the sternum at bell - then squaring up with shaken brunette, “You are mine, b*tch … mine! You got it?”. Emma Watson demanding disqualification but valiant Kate calls her off, “There will be no disqualification! I will deal with this tramp in my own manner!”. Be that as it may, with no points deducted, two judges again score it a 10-8 round for McCarthy - now leading by four points after only two rounds!

Round 3: Irish fans have taken up the chant of “... Jen-ny … Jen-ny … Jen-ny…” Blonde looking to finish and gets reckless, bull rushing British beauty, who pounds Playmate face with jab and then heel turn pivots away from rush … and favors Jenny with a scalding kidney punch … drawing an angry cry from Palicki of “foul” and an even angrier retort from Watson in far corner “Sauce for the goose!” - McCarthy puzzled, wondering why the hell Watson is talking about cooking recipes? Kate up on her toes now, working perimeter of the ring, pumping that heat seeker jab into Playmate face … stinging, punishing, enraging … goading McCarthy into wild amateurish haymakers which are slipped with ease … Kate pounding McCarthy jaw with receipt. Jenny clinches and it is very rough, women wrestling, McCarthy swinging elbow. Referee’s break and again McCarthy is getting the lecture and finger wagging but no point deduction - boos from fans on both sides for obviously different reasons! Round to Beckinsale close but she is finally in this fight!

Round 4: Kate using legs, jab … and brains! Circling on her toes … that annoying jab constantly touching up the blonde … disrupting as she gathers for rushes … abruptly Kate halts and sticks out her chin mockingly … baiting J-Mac into throwing that big right hand … but Kate ain’t there when she does! Again … and again … elusive Kate … taunting … goading the blonde bull … and any boxing insider will tell you - nothing is more tiring than swinging and missing. Kate not looking to take too much … peppering opponent with the jab … occasionally dropping in a sneaky right to the jaw. Palikci calling from the corner “... body … body …” and Jenny actually listens to the woman she’s always viewed as a “kid sister”. Bobbing head to FINALLY slip that jab - get inside and get rough with British beauty for the last thirty seconds but another good round for Kate … even now on rounds but she is well behind on cards due to those 10-8 rounds.

Rounds 5-6: After one sided start - some close close rounds! Jenny, having softened Beck’s tummy, starting to score with that right hand lead on occasion, jerking the brunette head back. Other times, Kate able to dictate with her long sharp jab - blonde’s face turning pink and puffy from constant “... pap pap pap …”. After setting tempo, Becks able to use jab as feint and score one-two to Mac abs and rack. Tactical rounds - fifth probably goes to McCarthy, sixth to Beckinsale. Fight even on rounds but McCarthy with sizeable edge on the scorecards.

Round 7: Kate looking to build off the sixth - slick boxing from the perimeter - keeping blonde at arms length - trying to make Jenny fight on her terms but Jenny McCarthy showing uncharacteristic patience and discipline. Read that last bit again folks because it may be the ONLY time you will ever see the words “Jenny McCarthy”, “patience” and “discipline” in the same sentence!!! Mac taking some punishment but scuffling back … stalking .. stalking … walking … and BOOM! McCarthy out of nowhere with the power lead right hand and Beck’s legs are not there! Stumbling like a newborn calf … cuffing left to top of head … AND KATE BECKINSALE SITS DOWN!!! First knockdown of fight draws explosive roar of approval from McCarthy partisans! Kate on one knee at “6” … up at “9” … and braces for the hurricane. On the ropes in the high guard, rolling left and right, letting body rock back into the cables - taking much of the sting out of wild onslaught by bloodthirsty blonde bully! Brunette cagey on ropes … riding out the knockdown - actually startling Playmate with uppercut at the bell! Another big 10-8 round and Jenny McCarthy is pulling away on the scorecards!!!

Round 8: And Kate will not be denied! Coming back off the deck … wheeling and dealing! Incredible resilience! Giving the blonde a boxing lesson! Back on her toes … jab jab jab … one two with following right hand cracking Playmate jaw! Jenny startled .. stopped in her tracks … wild left hook in reply misses! Kate presses the action - between rounds, Emma Watson whispering solemnly “Kate … you’re behind! Well behind!” and Kate takes it to heart! Taking chances … feinting jab … ringing up McCarthy with right hand lead but taking crisp left hook to ribs in reply. Kate dances back … beckons McCarthy to chase … Mac confused … smart play is to back off … instinct is to attack?
And when exactly  did Jenny McCarthy EVER EVER EVER choose the smart play?!!

Playmate lowers head and attacks … pays the toll … jab bouncing off blonde pate Jenny grazing Becks with hook but takes solid right to jaw … Janny’s back leg shimmies but on she comes … Mac feints hook upstairs and nails Kate right to sternum … but Brit lets her hands go and buffets blond head with left right left combination. Bell rings - big round Kate Beckinsale but still well behind on the cards!

Round 9: Just as there was a glimmer of hope for Becks, Jenny Mac slams the door! Dominant ninth round - Jenny is hunting Kate, When brunette looks to set up jab from the outside, Playmate counters with oddly timed rushes, pressing her back into the ropes and making this a brawl, not a boxing match. British fighter having trouble dealing with the blonde bully’s physicality. Tied up on the ropes, Jenny wrestling, grinding, putting weight on Becks, little cute i shots inside - Kate answering back with cuffing blows to temple and shoulder but no weight on them. This is not her kind of fight. Jenny sneaky in the clinch … shoulder to jaw … elbow into breast … knee to inner thigh … every dirty trick she learned fighting at the Mansion twenty five years ago coming into play as she looks to close the show on the Playboy empire’s most hated foe. Big ninth round for Mac the Knife!

Round 10: In the VIXENS corner, Emma Watson telling Kate what she and everyone else already knows, “You’re behind, Kate, well behind. You need a knockout …”. In the Sceej corner, Adrianne Palicki trying to reason with Jenny Mac (and when has THAT ever happened?) “You’re way ahead, Jenny, don’t take unnecessary chances.” Jenny just licking her lips and staring at VIXENS corner, repeating, “She’s going down … she’s going down …”

Bell rings and the five fight long Coronation Series fittingly comes down to one round for all the marbles! J-Mac out of corner steely eyed, lands thumping left to British midriff, then feigns same left and throws big sash weight right that misses by a mile - takes a tart left right to jaw and temple in response … and KATE IS ALL IN! Usually disciplined and cautious - Kate Beckinsale throws caution to wind to press momentary edge. Right hand lead stuns the blonde … British fighter uses jab as range finder and cracks Jenny with hard right to the jaw … blonde now on unsteady legs … Becks catches Mac with her feet parallel and cuffing shot to the scalp sits her down! BLONDE GIRL DOWN!!! One minute into the tenth round and Jenny McCarthy tastes canvas! Pandemonium in stands. Visibly furious McCarthy to one knee at four … up at six … takes the mandatory eight count … and actually CHARGES Kate!!!

Grand Wizard, ringside, murmuring “... that’s my girl … that’s my girl …”

Confused Cassie Scerbo, “Wait? What? You’re rooting for McCrazy? I thought you bet on …”

Wizard, never taking his eyes off action in ring, “What I am rooting for, Cassandra Lynn, is for our favorite blonde genius to fight wild … she may just snatch defeat from the jaws of victory yet! It’s the last round … I got her ahead by three points … all she has to do is play it smart and she wins.”

Neve Campbell, part of the Front Street entourage chuckles, “Play it smart? She won’t! I’ll go one better - she CAN’T - she is intelectually and psychologically incapable of playing it smart!!!”

Back to the action, Blonde Playmate, arms extended, trying to bull British fighter back to the cables, but Kate able to twist hips and ring blonde up with a tasty little uppercut - knocking her head back. Jenny bares teeth, wild with left hook … stepping back for punching room and wild with the right hand … repeated swings and misses by the Pride of Playboy! Determined K-Becks counters .. left hook to body … right to sternum … and then right … right … right to the head … Jenny Mac with unfocused eyes … staggering. Palicki in Sceej corner practically crying, able to scream out one word, “CLINCH” but the stubborn J-Mac is slinging back!

Inside of one minute now! Slapping right hand to side of Kate’s head but the power is not there! And the boxing pride of England unleashes with the pride of Bed-Stuy - the Cherry Hill Special! Left to the ribs … left to the jaw … straight right hand to the kisser … McCarthy reels back to the ropes … does not know where she is … pure instinct now! Jenny Mac drapes right hand over top rope for support … sleepy and pawing with the left trying to fend off disaster. Everyone in the arena is explosively tense … EXCEPT for one Katherine Beckinsale.

With forty seconds to go … KATE WANTS RACK!!!! Blinding display of hand speed as she pummels Playmate puppies with rapid fire left right left right - McCarthy’s girls bouncing in her cups like speed bags! Watson screaming from corner, “Kate … there is no time!!!”

Only thirty seconds left in the Coronation series with the results still up for grabs. Emma Watson slamming hand on ring apron, “NOW, KATE, NOW!!!”

And Kate “The Great”Beckinsale, in the ultimate act of showmanship, theatrically KISSES her right hand! McCarthy out of it … draped on ropes … and Kate unleashes a savage uppercut that telescopes the blonde’s neck upward. McCarthy’s heels literally leave canvas and she is raised onto tips of her toes by force of the shot before collapsing in a heap at Brit’s feet, her butt jutting up in the air, cheek pressed sleepily on canvas.

Less than 20 seconds to the bell as referee takes up the count …1 … 2 … 3 … no movement from the blonde … 6 … 7 … McCarthy groans, struggling to rise … Palicki crying real tears in corner “Get up, Mac!!!”
… 8 … 9 …Mac to one knee … then pitches forward on her face! She is out cold and it is OVER!!! With only seven seconds to spare … winner by knockout in the tenth round … … Kate Freakin’ Beckinsale!!!!

POST FIGHT

At the count of “ten”, Kate strides imperiously past referee with dismissive gesture, places boot on unconscious McCarthy’s upturned ass, and strikes a double biceps pose as British fans roar approval! Then It’s Emma Watson into the ring and … good lord, are they serious () … placing an actual crown on Kate’s head. Emma calls for microphone, tries in vain to quiet crowd, finally noise quelled with gesture from a beaming Kate Beckinsale. VIXENS staff cutting off Kate’s gloves as Emma speaks, “Ladies and gentleman … please join me in recognizing … the winner of the Coronation Series … and the newest member of the exclusive Tractorpull Hall of Fame … the great Katherine Beckinsale!!!”

Crowd goes wild and Kate soaks it in for long moments … finally taking mic and gesturing for quiet, “Thank you … thank you … you are too kind … thank you … ah, the Hall of Fame … the ultimate acknowledgement that a fighter belongs with the elite of the elite … I am humbled …”

Ringside, Cassie Scerbo cracks, “Becks? Humble? This I gotta see!!!”

Wiz gesturing, “Hang on, kid … somethin’s bad’s happenin’ up there… which may mean somethin’ good is happenin' up there!”.

As the Wizard speaks, VIXEN staff have brought what looks like a massage table into the ring? But it is hinged? And has straps at the corners? And a punk rocker type with purple hair is setting up a table beside it … bottles of ink? And … a tattoo gun?!! Once table is in place, VIXEN staff raise a still out of it Playmate to unsteady feet and lead her legeless to the table, draping her over the raised hinge and securing wrists and ankles so that her shapely butt is jutting into the air - prominently displayed. Thong bikini showcases two shapely globes.

Kate to Emma (channeling the Academy Awards), “Ahem … the envelope please!” A sealed manilla envelope is produced and Kate theatrically breaks the seal with a letter opener.

“When Miss McCarthy had the temerity to challenge me to the Coronation series in a vindictive and ultimately futile effort to deny me my rightful place among the immortals of the FCBA, my first instinct was to decline. After all, time and time again I have proved my mastery over this willful trollop yet she remained pigheaded in her refusal to acknowledge her betters. With that in mind, certain stipulations were negotiated and added to the contract … most of which are not relevant at this time. That said, stipulation nine may prove of interest to you assembled here …”

(Kate clears her throat dramatically and reads) “... at the conclusion of the series, the loser shall, at mid ring, receive a permanent tattoo of the winner’s choosing … which tattoo shall be inscribed on the loser’s right buttock!” Kate turns to the punk woman and gestures “Your canvas awaits you, Madame!”

Smiling serenely, Kate further informs the crowd, “As a happy coincidence, I am informed that this latest defeat places Miss McCarthy’s career record at 71 wins … and 72 losses! She is destined to truly be remembered as … in every sense of the word ...a LOSER!”

Grinning wolfishly, the purple haired “artist” sketches an outline on the unconscious blonde’s perfect peach of an ass cheek, causing the slumbering Playmate no distress - indeed, the sleeping blonde smiles and murmurs, “ … that tickles …”. The application of the tattoo needle, however, snaps J-Mac to wide eyed consciousness! She threatens, struggles bellows, and fights … all to no avail! When the purple haired woman finally nodded she was done, Jenny was sporting a bright new tattoo on her buttock - a bejeweled crown and in ornate lettering “God Save The Queen”.




VIXEN staff undoes the straps and Kate helps a still groggy Jenny to her feet. “Time for walkies”, she teases, and takes the dazed blond for a devastating Walk of Shame, pausing Jenny occasionally and having her bend at the waist to display her new ink to best advantage. When Jenny lags, a sharp slap to that stinging freshly tattooed buttock is sufficient to get her moving more briskly. With a wry smile, she pauses before the Front Street contingent, Cassie and Neve hysterical with laughter - the Wiz with just a now of acknowledgement to the newly minted Hall of Famer.