Aisha Tyler vs Charlize Theron

Results Lookout: Story Tractorpull

Tale of the tape

Aisha Tyler
Age 52
Height 6’
3-3-0

Charlize Theron
Age 46
Height 5’ 9 1/2”
303-127-12
8 Unified Lightweight titles
7 Unified Welterweight titles
1 Unified Middleweight title

3 Maxim Lightweight titles
2 Paramount Lightweight titles

1 Reebox Lightweight title
2 Reebox Welterweight titles
2 Paramount Welterweight titles
Original Member of the Hall Of Fame
Mistress of The Body Saddle 1/26/08-1/11/15
Acknowledged as the Greatest Of All Time (GOAT)


BEFORE

It’s the third fight of the night. There are four more to follow, It’s billed as a mystery fight. No names were used. The two fighters are in the ring. Aisha Tyler is in one corner. Charlize had quietly come down the aisle in a robe with the hood covering her face. She was accompanied by Cassandra Lynn and Jennifer Lawrence. The main members of the Nascar corner Neve Campbell and Kate Upton had previous commitments. When Charlize took off the robe, there was some murmuring among the crowd who thought they recognized her. The referee had just announced to the crowd that this fight was for ten rounds rather than six. He hands the mic to the blonde whose name her yet to be announced.

Charlize: “I said at the beginning of this year that I didn’t plan on fighting twice a month more than twice. Then this, what you might call a “special project” came up, It’s a fight that I didn’t want and still don’t.” Fans wonder what she is talking about

Aisha grabs the mic; I’m sorry, but you all need to know what’s going on here. I’m Aisha Tyler. Two years ago, I signed a contract to fight that blonde over there, That’s Charlize Theron for those of you who have been living in a cave for the last twenty years. The contract I signed was to fight Theron at a future date. After two years of waiting, I got a call from a blonde reporter and trouble shooter for Tractorpull News Corporation, Tess Valmore. Let me tell you about Valmore. She’s smart and clever, but she is also devious. She is closely connected to a couple blonde fighters including my opponent and to some stables, one of which she hangs out in while in town She is a disgrace. Trust her at your peril. She told me that they were canceling the fight. I told her they couldn’t do that. She said I didn’t meet the contract standards which are, no one over fifty and no one who hasn’t fought in over the last three years. I told her that is not the contract I signed. She said that was the current standards. Again, I told her once more those were not the conditions in the contract I signed. She said that Theron didn’t want the fight. I told her that after two years of waiting, I wanted Charlize in the ring. She said they would pay me the contract price without having to fight. I told them that either I fight or I sue. Valmore said she was just trying to save me from a bad beating. I told her that I could take care of myself and the conversation got a little rough. She said I was being totally unreasonable and if I knew what I was in for, I would take the cash and run. I was just being stupid. I told her to f—k off and hung up The people at Tractorpull are like Valmore, smart, devious, and unethical. They knew I had a winning case. I got another call from Valmore. She said a beach fight in a month was all they could manage due to Theron’s schedule. She said I got the fight I wanted and it was the only one I would be offered. If I didn’t take it, I could go ahead and sue. Tractorpull had lawyers who can make my case go away, She said I should take the cash offer to save myself from a trip to my cosmetic doctor. The conversation again got rough after that. I told her after I was finished with Theron, I was coming for her. She her reply was “That was really nice and I should bring my medical insurance card with me as I would was going to need some serious medical treatment after she was through with me. . Valmore is just another untrustworthy and lying blonde. That’s the story of why we are here. Honestly, I don’t know if Charlize knows what has gone on, but the FCBA should investigate Tractorpull and Valmore. Now look at my opponent, She’s beautiful, but that’s not the way she going to look when I am finished. Then I’m going for that tramp, Valmore.

THE FIGHT

At the bell, the two move to the center of the ring. Theron can’t use her usual opening of right jabs because her opponent is almost three inches taller and has the reach advantage. It’s Aisha that uses the opening jabs to Theron’s face forcing her to back off. Charlize moves in again only to be forced to back off again by more jabs to her face. Once again, Charlize trys to move in on Aisha, but this time an overhand right lands on her forehead. Tyler quickly follows up with a right-left to the body. A Theron right cross misses and Tyler lands a left uppercut that buckles Theron’s legs. Aisha is over-anxious and Charlize manages to avoid a right cross and gets inside and starts punching away at Tyler’s midsection. Theron’s midsection assault is finally stopped by a right cross. Tyler follows up with another right to the head and then a left. As Chalize raises her guard, Tyler rips a left-right to the midsection and the a left hook to the chin that staggers the blonde. Tyler has Theron on the ropes and starts working on the body, She’s going to take those legs away. She bangs away at the body and when Charlize’s guard drops she goes to the face. The bell rings. An outworked and battered blonde gets to her corner where Cassie and Jennifer put a cold towel over her head and massage her back and legs. Not a word is said. In Tyler’s corner she is saying she now knows why Theron didn’t want this fight. She is now slow and indecisive.

Round 2. Charlize surprises Aisha by coming out straight at her. Charlize immediately get inside and starts working on Aisha’s body. Punches land in her tummy and then up to the midsection and finally her chest. Aisha is beaten back into the ropes. Theron’s body twists to the left and right as solid punches rain into Tyler’s body, She is feeling the results of the body attack. She is breathing heavily and needs to get off the ropes. She lands a right hook to Theron’s jaw that makes the blonde hesitate a few seconds. That’s all Aisha needs. A left and right crosses drive Theron back into the center of the ring. Chalize lands a right to the head, but a left uppercut once again buckles her legs and send her back into the ropes. Aisha has her opponent where she wants her and start banging away. She’s punching almost everywhere she can land one, but is she making a mistake. Instead of concentrating on the head or solar plexus with weight behind the punches, she is just punching away to punish. She has the blonde propped up on the ropes as the bell rings. The Charlize slowly makes it to her corner as Cassie and Jennifer work on her head and body. Cassie just says “Look you have been in more that 400 fights. You should know what you have to do. I don’t need to tell you” In Charlize’s opponents corner, Aisha tells her people, this is getting to be fun. I’m going to have more fun making her a mess before finishing her”

Round 3. Once again Chalize is slow coming out of her corner. Tyler is on her before she is six feet from her corner. . She lands a left-right crosses to the blonde’s head and face. Charlize’s nose and lips are starting to bleed. A Theron right cross goes astray as an Aisha uppercut lands on Theron’s chin. The GOLDEN GODDESS is down. Charlize is down on her hands and knees. This time being close to the ropes is an advantage. She pulls herself up and is standing at the count of six. The referee finishes the standing eight count. He asks Charlize a question. The response satisfies him and he waives Aisha in. Those few seconds make a difference, As Aisha moves in, Charlize moves parallel to the ropes. She’s going to avoid Tyler. Charlize moves one way than another. Tyler is getting frustrated. She can’t get Theron into a punching exchange. Quickly, Charlize moves in and lands a left-right to Tyler’s head. Now they are toe to toe. They are exchanging crosses. The crowd is on its feet. Theron is getting the better of it. She’s out punching Tyler almost two to one. As the bell rings, finally a Tyler uppercut sends Theron back into the ropes. In Theron’s corner, Cassie is waiving an ammonia capsule under Theron’s nose. making sure she is getting enough. Jennifer is taking care of the nose and lips. Jennifer tells Charlize that she is looking like an amateur. She’s the greatest. Time to act like it. Stop playing petty-pat. Put the hammer down. Take her out now, so they can go get a pizza. Charlize nods and gets to her feet

Round 4. If Aisha thinks Charlize has taken too much punishment, she’s in for a surprise. There the Goddess is, on her feet looking ready to come out. Is She for real? Aisha is ready to end it. She comes out punching, but those legs take Theron away. Charlize is moving one way than the other. Aisha is having trouble following her. Theron quickly closes and land a pair of right jabs to the face. Theron’s body is open as Charlize continues to punch Aisha’s head back. Tyler is going back to Theron’s chest. She knows the blonde is very vulnerable there. She fails to notice Theron’s right hand has dropped to her hip. The blonde’s body twists and up comes that right. It lands on target, Tyler’s chin. Aisha’s hands drop. She’s in shock. She sways briefly and then topples over onto her back. At the count of five, she hasn’t moved and the referee waives off the fight. Charlize returns to her corner and waits until she sees Tyler has been brought around. It’s a peeved Theron that pulls Tyler up from her stool and looks her in the face “you got the fight you wanted. Now we are done. By the way take my advise, Don’t go near Valmore. She has a couple black belts. She is a real badass.” Charlize turns away and leaves the ring with Cassie & Jennifer

AFTER
Charlize appears at the press tent. Any questions?

Blonde Magazine; “You didn’t want this fight. Why? Did you know what Tractorpull was doing?’

Charlize; “I told them I didn’t feel right about fighting a fighter who hadn’t fought in seven years. I have a rule that I don’t fight anyone over 50 and I don’t fight any one who hasn’t fought in the last three years. We made that rule a little over a year and a half ago. I didn’t know the contents of the contract that Aisha had signed. You can ask Tess about what happened after that. She knows, I don’t. She is not here is she?

Blonde Magazine: “She didn’t make it to the fight. She told me a day or two ago that she didn’t know this fight was going to go so soon and she had commitments”

Charlize: “That’s what I thought”

HBO News. “What was that third round? You seemed to take a lot of punishment. She put you on the canvas.”

Chalize: “She caught me off balance after my punch missed That’s what a good fighter does. Fortunately, she is not a big puncher. Then I realized this fight could really go in way I wouldn’t like, so I decided to end it. Luckily that right landed on target.. I knew it was over when I felt the punch land.”

Smackey: What do you think about what she said about Tess?

Charlize: I’m not going to get involved in that. Tess is fully capable of handling her own problems”

Smackey: Boxing World: “Do you really think Tyler will go after Tess?”

Chalize: “No I have warned her, but she maybe she come after you as her fiancé.. She stands a lot better chance of beating you than Tess. With you, it’s a maybe. With Tess, it’s a no-no”