Posted by simguy on 12-21-03

Thanks to Ginny for this repost.

Jewel a big favourite - concensus pundit poll shows most believe Paltrow has the right approach for Jewel, but probably won't be skilled enough to employ it for 10 rounds - KO Kilcher the almost unanimous expectation. Interesting assortment of brunette villainy assembled ringside for this one: Shannen Doherty, Courtney Cox, Catherine Zeta Jones, Christina Aguilera, Kelly Hu, Angie Harmon, Demi Moore among the names - all anxious to see blondes forced to wear each other out. Greedy promoters looking for a cheap Lord of the Rings pop, upgrades Liv Tyler from guest commentator to special (first time) guest referee - ignoring the fact that Jewel and Liv have bitter history together in order to sell a few more tickets. Bad sign during ring instructions: Liv says "You've received your instructions in your dressing rooms," then proceeds to read Jewel a long list of prohibitions as a special warning to her to keep her nose clean. Jewel in teal bandeau bikini, slick ponytail, Gwyneth in pink Shallow Hal bikini and battle braid, Liv in black twist tied sport top with short sleeves, bare midriff, red boy cut trunks.

Rd 1: Gwyneth startlingly pretty in early going - stepping back in good order, spearing Jewel the jab, drawing her in and labelling her a crisp, shellacking right across the jaw as Kilcher walks into the punch. Head smacked hard to starboard, buttocks wobbling - Jewel's hurt - Gwyneth reloads and smokes another smart right hand over Kilcher's low left to buckle the big K's knees. GWYNETH TURNS PUNCHER! Crowd roaring in appreciation as Gwyneth abandons her dukes-up, robotic boxing stance to lean in with her face and haul rude leather up into Jewel's lungs. Pretty Jewel beaten ropeside, hands at her temples, mouth open in shock as Paltrow just goes apeshit with hurtling rights and lefts amidships. Gwyneth really cleaning up and LIV TACKLES HER AWAY - ref suddenly breaking the action, giving Jewel the chance to clear her head! Kilcher wading off the ropes, gloves at her lips, dipping low to pull a looping right onto Gwyneth's face - Paltrow slugging back but getting clocked - Kilcher gets the better of wading trade, pounding Gwyneth in stupor to the far ropes. Kilcher jamming her head in between Paltrow's raised mitts, putting thumping right/lefts to work on the waist line, then rip-jerking sudden uppercuts through the middle, arching her back into the punches. LIV TUGS JEWEL'S TRUNKS, pulling the blonde off her prey at the stagger, then wrapping up tight - crazy breaks saving both women at critical times - nobody happy with Tyler's handling of the bout but she brazens it out, demanding blondes return to their respective corners with an imperious, pointing right arm.

Rd 2: Gwyneth all upbeat in her corner - happy to have hurt Jewel and anxious for more of that - she ignores instructions to box in order to trade wallop with Miss Kilcher. Free swinging mayhem midring - Kilcher staying nice and compact, dipping at the waist to get under Paltrow's robust swings, hooking up underneath to the ribs, fitting right hands in on the mouth in between Paltrow misses and GWYNNY GOES DOWN! Paltrow shook by a body shot, keeps punching and gets shunted to her backside as Jewel bounces a stubby right off Paltrow's pretty face. Gwyn staring, trying to push herself up off her butt, but she's hurt - and LIV BODIES UP ON JEWEL, driving Kilcher to the neutral corner and pancaking her there. Kilcher struggling, screaming in complaint as Tyler reads her the riot act - Liv totally botches the count, returning to Gwyneth to give her a standing 8 as Paltrow gets it together. ON COMES JEWEL - Kilcher attacking hurt prey at the ropes - rough with her head inside, pushing it between Paltrow's mitts, throwing combos to the ribs and tummy, pulling down on Gwynny's arms and trying for chin-clipping hooks and uppies. Brisk, steady 2s and 3s from Jewel, just breaking Gwyn down as she lolls upright, shipping at the ropes. Final minute - Jewel cleaning up, but Gwyn punching back and PALTROW STARTS NAILING JEWEL! Gwyneth going with the right punch - tight uppercuts-out-of-the-bob to pick Jewel's chin up - Kilcher's knees knock together, she folds forward hurt as Gwynny steps pretty to the side to reverse their positions. Now it's JEWEL'S back to the ropes, Jewel's hands up at her temples - Gwynny going at her with reckless, pumping rights and lefts - drawing her elbows back amaturishly and plugging away at Jewel's sturdy body. AND LIV STEPS IN! Tyler embracing Jewel like a protective mother, waving the fight off - Paltrow steps back stunned - Jewel goes ballistic! Pandemonium in the ring as officials separate Kilcher and Tyler - Paltrow struts away with a suspect TKO2 - brunettes in the audience standing and applauding.

After: Paltrow lumped up, but deliriously happy with a stoppage win over favoured Jewel. "You know, it was Liv's first time refereeing and she made some mistakes, but if anything, she was biased against ME. I probably would have stopped Jewel in the first if Liv hadn't bodied me off. I know Jewel's proud and she obviously thinks the fight was stopped too soon, but I got ALL of her chin with those counter uppercuts, then I was devastating her to the body. A girl can't just stand there taking that kind of punishment, I mean, I was NUKING her in there! I'm just glad Liv did the right thing and saved Kilcher from permanent injury - boxing doesn't need another tragedy." Liv defending the decision, saying, "Jewel was helpless, basically out on her feet - I didn't see any life in her eyes at all and I didn't want to see her take another ruinous beating. I just wish someone had acted to stop ME from beating her half to death when we fought - Jewel doesn't know when to go down and takes WAY too much punishment in her fights." Paltrow suddenly Miss popular - Catherine Zeta Jones wants a dance, Liv Tyler herself wants a shot - all very experienced, rough-minded brunettes who are liable to give Gwynny all the beating she could ever want - let's hope Paltrow management has their fighter's best interests at heart. And of course, a physically restrained, howling Jewel wants justice as well