GALA SOIREE PREFIGHT

Posted by simguy on 2/8/2011, 10:32 am

(Random draw has been completed for the first round; each subsequent round will be randomized as well. Let's take a look at the opening night gala festivities with your hosts: Charlize Theron and Cam Diaz.)

"THE STANDARD" HOTEL - L.A.
MAIN BALLROOM

Charlize Theron and Cameron Diaz stand on an Oscar-style presentation stage, waiting to address the elites-only crowd in attendance.

A dais in front of the stage seats the following assemblage of pulchritude: Tricia Helfer; Bridget Moynahan; Cindy Crawford; Elle MacPherson; Molly Sims; Angie Everhart. Former models all - they've been covering the event for various media outlets and blogs, often with a very critical eye towards the competitors.

Charlize: "You can have your short-round fighters, your fire plugs: Dani Fishel, Allison Mack and the like. You can have your cute girls like Minka Kelly - your snarky little vixens like Hayden Panettiere and Cassie Scerbo. There's some pretty girls in the 5'5" range - even some sexy ones: Olivia Wilde, Britney - I won't dispute that. There's trash out there, if you like that sort of thing - your Stacy Keiblers, Jenny McCarthys and your Serinda Swans. The FCBA is a many splendoured thing, and there's something for everyone in the range of looks and bodies out there.

But if you want beauty... I'm talking about jaw-dropping, bombshell, heart-pounding beauty. I'm talking about launching a thousand ships and invading Troy beauty; I'm talking about beauty that inspires poetry and art and jealousy... If you want that kind of uncompromising, non-negotiable beauty...skyscraper legs; hypnotic gazes; dazzling hair; long swan's necks and limber limbs...then there's only one kind of woman who qualifies. The gold standard of beauty, the sine qua non of beauty: ladies and gentlemen - I give you - the 8 living Wonders of the World: the SUPERMODELS!"

8 tall, strutting beauties file out onto a catwalk, doing the ol' out-and-back into the crowd in designer-sponsored gowns before forming line on the main stage. They are, in order of appearance:

Candice Swanepoel
Brooklyn Decker
Marissa Miller
Joanna Krupa
Olga Kurylenko
Giselle Bundchen
Adrianna Lima
Bar Refaeli

Charlize continues: "Before we announce the first round match ups, let's take a moment to acknowledge the judges, referees and commentators for this extravaganza. Judges: Tricia Helfer; Bridget Moynahan, and; Elle MacPherson! Our referees - Cindy Crawford; Angie Everhart and Molly Sims! Expert commentary and analysis for the fights will be provided by yours truly as well as Cameron Diaz - together, we'll whittle this group down into one woman who can with pride one day take her place beside those of us who have already proven our beauty in battle!

And now, determined by random draw... here are the first round match ups in the 2011 Battle for SuperModel Hegemony!"

(Charlize and Cameron take up positions on opposite sides of the stage. Each woman holds 4 pink envelopes).

Charlize: "First fight... Marissa Miller!" An excited Miller walks to a pre-determined spot on the stage, smiling/trembling.
Cameron answers: "Bar Refaeli!" Bar strides to the spot opposite her bitter rival. Both women are rocked as the crowd oohs and aahs. Theron's clapping/smiling broadly, enjoying the awkward tension as Marissa and Bar stare at each other.

Charlize: "Second fight... Brooklyn Decker!"
Cameron: "Joanna Krupa!"
Charlize: "Ooh, interesting! Tough opening draw for Brookie!"

Charlize: "Third fight: Olga Kurylenko!"
Cameron: "Adriana Lima!"
Haughty brunettes lift their chins, gazing confidently at each other - Lima very consciously raising her ribcage to display rack supremacy; Olga's gyspy-dark eyes glittering with face-slapping hate.
Charlize: "Nice: a best-in-show brunette showdown. There can be only one!"

Charlize: "Fourth fight... Giselle!"
Cameron: "Candice!"
Crowd roars as Victoria's Secret rivals take positions to face each other.
Charlize: "Candi whipped Giselle last time they met...look at Bundchen! (pause for crowd pop: Giselle's just seething) She wants it bad!"

In summary then:
Marissa Miller vs Bar Refaeli
Brooklyn Decker vs Joanna Krupa
Olga Kurylenko vs Adrianna Lima
Candice Swanepoel vs Giselle Bundchen

VARIOUS REACTIONS/TWEETS/SHENANIGANS ON WEIGH-IN DAY

Posted by simguy on 2/8/2011, 7:20 pm

Security on full alert: weigh-ins for model fights are often more ferocious than the fights themselves, to wit:

Bundchen going over Swanepoel's backside with a large magnifying glass, searching for cellulite when Candi was on the scales. Swanny objected and chaos ensued.

Kruppa booing Kurylenko during Olga's weigh in.

Olga snarking in Ukrainian during Kruppa's weigh-in, prompting a foreign-tongue shriek-fest between the two.

Decker parading about in her yellow movie bikini like she's already won thing - causing her fellow competitors to complain to organizers.

Lima demanding that Decker stand for a comparative jug-weighing - causing a ruckus when the appropriate apparatus could not be located.

TWEETS/REACTIONS:

TYRA BANKS: "Brooklyn's my girl. She's got those Tyra-sized melons and the back to carry 'em: she'll mop the ring with these superlosers."

JOHANNA KRUPPA: "I will batter Brooklyn, and I pray I get the chance to batter Candice!"

BROOKLYN DECKER: "Saw all the girls at weigh-in today. I got this."

SERINDA SWAN: "BOOOO!"

ALI LANDRY, CHAMPION: "I sparred a little with Kruppa onset of Superstars. She's got the strongest core in this tournament, and I think she could body-punch her way to a trophy here."

AMANDA RIGHETTI: "Thought about crashing the models weigh-in today and kicking all their asses right then and there!"

CINDY CRAWFORD: "I'm disappointed in this crop of girls. You can't call any of them 'supermodels.' Brooklyn has a chance, but if I ever saw her on a beach, I'd destroy her."

ADRIANNA LIMA: "The other girls were intimidated by me during weigh-ins today. I saw it in their eyes. Especially Marissa - she couldn't stop glancing at me!"

KELLY BROOK: "I don't see what the big deal is about the models. They're not that pretty, and girls like Candice Swanepoel are weak. I'd punch each and every one of them to tears!"

TRICIA HELFER: 'Everyone looked so lovely today - I'm really proud of these girls. We haven't seen a model tournament since Kathy Ireland's days with SI - good luck to all the competitors!"