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24 April 2011 Katie Holmes vs Jill Wagner

Page history last edited by Archer844 12 years, 8 months ago

Katie Holmes 08.jpg Jill Wagner 03.jpg

Celebrity Boxing After Dark

Posted by Bazz & Simguy on 4/24/2011, 9:04 pm

(Results by Simguy; writing by Bazz; posted by Archer)

Celebrities move about the arena in throngs anticipating Katie Holmes’ return to the ring. James Van Der Beek and David & Victoria Beckham are amongst the fans while Michelle Williams and Mischa Barton, not so much so. The event has drawn such fanfare that Entertainment Tonight has set up a remote studio right next to the ring with Mary Hart holding court. Mary holds up a microphone for the Beckhams. “You two are obviously here for your friend Katie. Have you talked to her? How’s she feeling?” Mary inquires in her signature faux concerned voice.

“Oh she’s just wonderful. She’s planning on beating up little ol’ what’s her name and then meeting up with us for some champagne and cucumber sandwiches at the Bon Ton Club downtown. It’s all going to be wonderful.” Posh takes charge of the public relations and responds in a perfect faux excited to be here ET tenor.

Desperately looking for another plastic fantastic celebrity Mary Hart drags Mischa Barton over to the chair. “Now Mischa you’ve fought both girls, give us an ET exclusive. Who do you see winning? Is Mrs Top Gun going to shoot down the Wipe Out Girl?” Mary asks so proud that she was able to get out such a witty gem.

“Mary there’s such an inequality in that ring tonight and I’ll give you a clue, Mrs. Top Gun’s gonna need more that Ice Man to pull her out of this dogfight.” Obviously tipsy Misch lets out a belch as she wanders away. All is perfect in tinseltown tonight.

Mary and the crew rush upstairs to catch the press conference. The larger than usual crowd gathers around two podiums Jill Wagner and Poindexter Del crunchy on one side and Mr. and Mrs. Cruise on the other.

“Let me just say that I think Katies’s a tough and elusive fight…” No sooner had Jill Wagner gotten out a sentence than Tom Cruise, no longer able to contain himself grabs a microphone and explodes into an oration.

“I just want to say that I just love this woman! She’s the best fighting girl in the FCBA! I’ve been training her so hard! All the other trainers just suck…” Mr. Risky Business is plowing through a repeat rendition of his positively euphoric Oprah tantrum complete with all the jumping and stomping of his feet when he suddenly realizes that he’s insulted Poindexter Del Crunchy and his crew. Pointy is staring over at the crazed movie star with a bewildered and increasingly perturbed look on his face.

Holmes leans over to her husband and whispers “Don’t piss off the massive guy in the kilt.”

“Yeah! Right! Right!” Cruise responds under his breath staring up at the foot taller behemoth.

Just then a somewhat disguised voice squeals from the back of the room. “Hey Cruise! You couldn’t train a seal to eat fish! You suuuuuuuck!”

The crowd of reporters turn in time to see a flyweight sized gold flash flame out of the room. Some turn back to see an intensely frustrated Tom Cruise his face down, teeth clenched muttering “Damn you Scerbo!”

Katie wearing a black bikini and black boxing shoes, hair straight with Uma Thurman “Pulp Fiction” bangs. Jill adorned in dark brown leather Gaultier bikinis and matching boots, hair loose and tangly.

Rd1 Both girls long and lean and anxious to test out their jabs on each other. Holmes is flicking hers out with dexterity and expertise giving no one a hint that she’s been off for seven months. Wagner crisp and strong as she maneuvers around Dawson’s Creek. Holmes sinewy and sleek and in great shape despite the layoff but she’s having trouble with Wagner’s athleticism right off the bat. Her jab is strong and has snap but Wagner is quick and getting to the side and rapping the brunette with ease.

Rd2 The fighters content to use their long athletic bodies to get to each other. Holmes light on her feet circling Wagner with that strong jab at her disposal. She gets in some very effective hits on Wagner. Jill endures a brief Holmes rally before getting on track herself. She snaps off a couple of sharp jabs catching Holmes right in her movie star good looks and takes control. While Katie keeps up a game effort with her movement and punches but Wagner is out quicking her to every spot in the ring. Jill pummels the current Mrs. Cruise with a series of jabs and then explodes with a combination jab and right cross that stuns the gorgeous brunette and draws an immense gasp from the crowd just as the round ends.

Tom Cruise having demanded to be in Holmes’ corner grimaces and turns his back for a moment. He catches the first row on one side of the ring. There sits The Wiz, Cassie Scerbo, Rufus, Lis Rohm, Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber all in a row. The girls are wearing identical gold sequined cocktail dresses and The Wiz is jamming hard on a quart of butter brickle. Justin Bieber catches Cruise’s eye and waves, displaying the classic Bieber smile. “Hey Tom!” Cruise half waves back. “Sweet levels of Scientology! That kid’s hair is perfect! I’ve got to talk to my hairdresser.” Cruise’s gaze continues back but spots Scerbo staring at him with her tongue out. “Scerbo!” Cruise grimaces just as his wife stumbles back to her stool.

“Tom! For the love of… Would you stop staring at Lis Rohm’s legs!” Holmes is spitting blood with a fat lip glaring down at him.

“Pumpkin that’s not what I was…” Homes has already turned and sat on the bench before Cruise can explain about the horror of Scerbo and the wonder of Bieber’s hairdo.

Rd3 Wagner out confidently. She is in control but as always doesn’t seem to be in a rush. Both women are using their jabs backed up by stiff right hands. Just as the crowd seems to be lulling into a trance Wagner strikes like a black mamba. Holmes is down on her butt looking up at the referee wondering what just happened. Wagner’s right uppercut streaks in after a potent jab and sends Homes down. Katie’s up gamely up at four, more confused than hurt. She takes an eight and then Wagner moves in again. She’s blasting away trying to finish things off early yet Holmes is game. Katie takes punishment off the ropes but escapes to mid ring. Wagner chases her down and continues to pummel away. Holmes starts to fight back trying a couple of combinations but it only brings on a Wagner haymaker which although it just catches Homes’ chin sends her down in a brown haired heap. The crowd roars to its feet. Holmes with the familiar look of confusion etched on her face. Holme’s right back up again telling the referee that she is fine. After another standing eight count he sends her in the cauldron

again. Wagner looking to close things out. She’s furiously attacking Holmes chasing her all around the ring. Katie on her bicycle covering up as best she can as the crowd goes berserk. Just when it looks as if Holmes will escape with her life at the end of the round Wagner catches Katie with a left uppercut and sends her butt first down to clean the canvas again. Amazingly Holmes rises by the count of seven and she still looks lucid as the bell rings ending the round.

Rd4 The crowd smells blood and they’re on their feet. What they get is a rejuvenated Holmes up and taking nourishment. She’s able to hold the ferocious Wagner at bay and make a show of it. Yet it’s the Wipe Out Girl in control her muscular frame glistening making her look sleek in the Gaultier leather. Holmes tries some maneuvers but is cut off at just about every pass.

Rd5 The intensity from Wagner increases. The punches slapping off of Holmes’ body can be heard throughout the arena. Holmes still trying to work her magic but it’s no use. Wagner is just too quick and Katie’s starting to get punished. Wagner circling around launching her fists at will. At one point she goes for the body with a series of blows that double over Katie who seems frustrated to the point of tears from Wagner’s quickness.

Rd6 Poindexter Del Crunchy gesticulates and he talks to his fighter. Wagner nods her head over and over and the crowd near their corner hears Pointy’s command as he backs away. “Now just end this!” Wagner gets her marching orders and prances into center ring. Holmes looking a bit shabby at this point she’s done yeoman’s work but has been beaten down pretty well. She jabs at Wagner who simply sidesteps the wilting brunette, finds a better angle and unloads. Katie backed up into the ropes and covering up. Wags chopping at her like a lumberjack. Holmes getting hurt in every way and seemingly no longer putting up a defense when the ref moves in and plucks Wagner away from the fallen beauty. TKO Wagner.

After: Both women meet at mid ring and hug it out. Immediate reports of Holmes simply deciding to quit but the punishment was intense. “Hey I can’t imagine taking all that time off and just coming back full bore. Katie was tough tonight. If she wants she can climb back up there as for me it’s onward and upwards.” Wagner reports. When asked if she thought Holmes gave up at the end Wags would only shake her head no. “If that’s what the top of the weight class is like now I’ve got some work to do. Wags is good, real good and scary quick. Don’t worry though I’m back in the swing of things.” Katie smiles as she talks. Later Katie Holmes would be forced to hold a press conference to discuss the toping of her desire in the last round.

Meanwhile Tom Cruise is standing in Holmes’ corner looking disappointed. “Hey Cruise. Your girl’s alright! She’s got guts going up against a powerhouse like Wags. And you know what? You were right Kmart does suck!” The Top Gun aviator looks down and sees Cassie Scerbo standing there holding The Wiz’ quart of butter brickle.

“Thanks Scerbo. Ya know you’re a real pain in the ass.” Cruise flashes his $20 million per movie smile.

“I know. Pointy says that it’s my modus operandi. Hey want to help me finish this off? I stole it from The Wiz over there.” Scerbo points to a man searching all around his seat for his favorite dairy product.

“Thanks.” Cruise accepts a spoon from the ponytailed flyweight. “Hey Scerbo you want to do me a favor and tell me who Bieber’s hairdresser is?”

“You got it Tommy boy.” Scerbo smiles up at her newest friend and hands spoons out to Katie Holmes and Jill Wagner who have come over to dig into the dessert type item.