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16 June 2011 Prologue Middleton vs Lott

Page history last edited by Archer844 12 years, 7 months ago

BBU RECEIVES A SPECIAL VISIT--TOLD TO ME IN CONFIDENCE BY KNOWLESEY

Posted by Middywatcher on 6/16/2011, 11:23 am

David Knowles is relaxing in his office in his BBU headquarters in Cardiff late one evening, when he receives a visit from a middle-aged suited gentleman.

Man: Are you Mr David Knowles, the former cricket player and celebrity boxing promoter?

David: Yes, it is. Who’s asking?

Man: I represent the private office of Miss Philippa Middleton. I’m sure you’re aware of her!

He hands him a card.

David (swallowing saliva): Of course.

Man: You will remember that Miss Middleton’s sister and her now, ahem, brother-in-law have expressed an interest in your tawdry little sport, Mr Knowles?

David: Yes. They attended a match in Glasgow back in March.

Man: Well Miss Philippa is also interested in it.

David: I’m proud to hear it.

Man: In fact – ahem – she’s interested in taking part.

David (goggling): In what way?

Man: She wants to box, you idiot!

David: Whoa!

Man: Sorry. This just, isn’t, you know, normal for me. Miss Philippa – she would like you to arrange for her to have two fights against two of your so-called celebrities.

David: This a joke, right?

Man: No Mr Knowles, I wish it were! Miss Philippa wants to have two boxing matches against two of your young – ahem – ladies, just to see how it feels.

He hands over a letter – the crest tells David this isn’t a joke, even before he reads it.

David: OK. But the media?

Man: Must never know. The matches will take place in private, save for a handful of trusted friends and associates, so the young ladies you select must be discreet. We can’t have that awful Dixon girl yakking about how she fought the future queen’s sister!

David: So who do you suggest?

Man: I’ve had the names of Miss Pixie Lott and Miss Leona Lewis mentioned to me.

David: Do you know who they are?

Man: No idea!

David (smiling): Sorry. Pixie and Leona would definitely take the fights. And they would keep their mouths very much shut too. I guarantee it!

Man: Mr Knowles, if the gutter press were to find out about this …..

David: Not from me sir.

Man: I’ll be in touch regarding dates etc. My instructions are that Miss Philippa would like to box Miss Lott first and Miss Lewis a fortnight later. I just hope to God she gets this ridiculous idea out of her system before Her Majesty hears of it.

David: You could say I refused, sir.

Man (glaring): It’s a royal command as near as dammit man! You’d be sent to the Tower of London.

David: Point taken.

The man rises to leave, and David moves to shake his hand. The man just sneers at him, and says under his breath, “I don’t think so, Mr Knowles!”

PXIE LOTT LEARNS SOMETHING

Posted by Middywatcher on 6/17/2011, 4:33 am

On the eve of her fight against Pippa Middleton, Pixie lets herself into her hotel suite after training, slithers across to the bathroom to run a bath, then changes into her silk kimono, before gliding into the main sitting room. To her horror, she sees that there are two men sitting there – young men, dressed in suits, and she starts to back away.

The pair stand, one crossing to the bathroom to switch off the taps, the other to reassure Pixie.

He reaches into his jacket pocket and produces his warrant card – Special Branch, Royal Division, and tells her,

“Now Miss. I want to talk about tomorrow evening.”

Pixie shakes her head,

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

The other man, also a Special Branch officer, smiles,

“Forget it, sweetheart! It’s our job to know what Pippa Middleton does 24 – 7! And we’re very good at our jobs!”

Pixie realises that lying is pointless, and sits down,

“OK. Talk away!”

The first officer sits next to her,

“Now, that’s better. This boxing match you have with Miss Middleton tomorrow evening – remember?”

Pixie nods,

“I’m not to mention it!”

He smiles to his colleague, the looks back at her,

“You see Miss. You realise you can’t win the match, don’t you?”

She smiles back,

“Aw come on! I’m pretty sure I can beat her!”

The second officer cups her cheeks in his hand, and he squeezes,

“No sweetheart! It ain’t gonna happen! You will lose the fight to Pippa tomorrow evening!”

Pixie looks frightened,

“But I’m good!”

The officer lets her face go, then looks into her eyes,

“I’m telling you darling! You will lose the fight!”

His colleague, clearly the good cop in this routine, smiles,

“Clearly Miss, we cannot have a near relative of Her Majesty losing a boxing match to a popular singer! Or anyone else, really! It would be unseemly! You will not hurt Miss Middleton, and she will beat you – don’t care how or when, but she will beat you tomorrow evening. Do you understand me?”

Pixie nods, but whispers,

“You want me to throw the fight!”

The officers both nod.

“And if I don’t?”

The bad cop reaches forwards and strokes her thigh,

“You don’t wanna know, sweetheart!”

Pixie recoils, and, a tear dribbling from each eye, she nods,

“Fine. I agree. Pippa will beat me tomorrow night. I promise!”

The officers let themselves out, while Pixie sits there, quietly weeping.