Posted by Simguy on 4/3/2004, 8:51 am.

(For those of you who don’t have access to BLONDE! At newsstands or by subscription--I’ve taken the liberty of summarizing this months ish.)

FEATURES:  

THERON STYMIED: Scott/Theron war of attrition profiled--colour photos from the unexpectedly tough all-blonde encounter.

NEW BLONDE ON THE BLOCK--Ashley Scott sheds her tired old brown for glorious gold--candid interview reveals a brash, confident young upstart--juicy quotes abound. On going back to her blonde roots: “As a brunette, I felt like I was being prepared to lose--that I was only good enough to lose--that’s all changed now.” On Jeri Ryan: “beating Jeri was huge for me. Being better than Jeri Ryan has just made me so much more confident--I know I can eat anyone ion the division now.” On the return of the Queen--Charlize Theron: “I would love a full-on rivalry with Theron. I’m talking boxing, wrestling, bare-knucks, box-office receipts, men. I’d like to take her house. I’d like to fight her in her own house and pin her in her own bed. I’d like to sleep with Stuart. I just want to tear the whole Theron-thing down.” On Eva Mendes: “it’s my job right now, as an actress and a business woman, to take over the sexy-girlfriend market and that means shoving Eva to the sidelines, by this time next year, you’ll see her in Latina-only roles, and that’s it.”

SKID-ROW BLONDE? The agony of Claire Danes, photos from the Shannen Doherty ship-wreck, analysis of what Danes needs to do to get back on top.

EMERGING THREATS--BLONDE! Magazine has identified the Dushkus, the Garners, Bells, Hurleys, etc, isolated their weaknesses and contributed handily to their downfalls,. Now--up and coming brunette wild cats are highlighted, assessed. Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Eva Mendes, Kelly Brook, Lexa Doig and others Varying skills and styles, but all have in common an untamed spirit, blatant disrespect of their betters and unbridled passion in the ring.

UPDATE IN THE BATTLE OF THE CELEBRITY STARS PPV: BLONDE! Magazine’s proposed brunette vs. blonde competition show (inspired by Battle of the Network Stars) appears to be in jeopardy.  A crack team of blondes has been assembled and is eager to dominate, but brunettes are reluctant, fractious and wary of the concept.

BEACH REPORT: Blondes have dominated the sand since the invention of the bikini--but there have been recent disturbances in the Force. High profile blondes lose violent slugfests (photos from Pressly/Doig, Simpson/Bilson)--Jenny O’Dell visit’s the scene of the crime for some in-depth reporting.

MAKING WEIGHT: How to be at your best, your slimmest. Molly Sims talks safe dieting, interviewing the likes of Jolene Blalock and Naomi watts, Training regimens--when to peak--re-hydrating, etc. Looking svelte hurts the opponent--land some psychological punches during the weigh-in by letting your brunette know you’ve had the better camp, just by flashing some sleeks abs and cheese-free thighs.

REGULAR COLUMNS:

ROUND THE HORN: Kelly Packard triumphs over Salma Hayek, another setback for Nikki Visser--global results profiled.

Stone’s Throw: Sharon Stone critiques Charlize Theron;s failure to dominate her last opponent--”she (Charlize) looked dead at the weight.

View From the Top: Janet Jones looks at Mish/Danes, Doherty/Danes, discusses what a technical boxer has to do to manage roughhousing tactics. Some backhand swipes at HISC for mismanaging their best blonde property--obviously a bitter, unresolved hangover from the old Krusher/HISC stablemate days.

Top 10 Brunettes Who Must Be Beaten: Carmen Electra re-emerges as a potent forcve.

Spotlight On: Maria Bello--hard-working girl, still taking care of business.

COVER: “NO!” Shannen Doherty mounts the ropes with a dazed, blasted Claire Danes trapped beneath her, Claire’ shiny face visible just past Doherty’s left hip--eyebrows high, eyes closed, mouth open--Claire’s arms light around either Doherty thigh, little fists still clenched in futile reflex. Shannen with the left fist wet and tight in Claire’s hair--right hand thrust skyward in triumph. Inset: “WAR” Charlize Theron’s (on the left) face is torqued toward the camera, sweat flying, faced pinched as Ashley lands a cracking, curling right, Scot’s intensity captured--eyes flashing, lips pursed, body bent into the punch bas Charlize tilts backward.

Reposted by Archer 6/24/11.