Posted by Simguy on 7/10/2004, 8:26 am.

FEATURES:

COUGAR ALERT! HEATHER THOMAS KICKS TAYLOR COLE TO THE CURB! Heather Y came prowling out of retirement and overwhelmed haughty young brunette comp with a combination of heady punch selection, counter-punching guile, and lead pipe wallop en route to a second round beach whack. Pics, analysis, and big reveal of just what Heather said to a weepy Taylor in the immediate aftermath.

SINEWY TRIUMPH: JAIME PRESSLY DISMANTLES JESSICA ALBA. Battle for athletic supremacy--Pressly puts the Krushers up 2 zip I the Krusher/Ultimate stable war, taking out the most talented of the U-gals in the process.

AGE VS YOUTH--WHO HAS THE EDGE? BLONDE! Magazine looks at several comebacks over the years, lingering on the disappointments of Demi Moore and Lynda Carter, while citing Heather Thomas, Rebecca Demornay Maria Bello etc as examples of why blondes get better with age, while brunettes seem to fade.

JENNIFER CONNELLY…EXPOSED! Connelly defeat unheralded Samaire Armstrong, but looked tired, worn and rushed, and had to resort to her thumping hook to solve the blonde dilemma. Samaire sleek n’ sexy--young, yet ring-wise--is a new arrow in the ever-growing blonde quiver.

WE ACCUSE: NATALIE PORTMAN VS SHAKIRA. In one of the cruelest displays of obligatory jabbing and face punching seen in years, Natalie Portman did her best not simply to defeat Shakira, but to batter, savage and ruin her. Articles goes on implore the FCBA to censure Portman and pro-Portman BSE suits for systematically trampling what had been a promising fair-haired prospect at one point (extended metaphor of Shakira as lamb cut from the herd by a pack of wolves, then dogged, run down and devoured at leisure, appears throughout the piece).

REGULAR COLUMNS:

Global results: PPV, beach, resort, rumored private and semi-private bouts

View from the Top: Janet Jones gloats over early returns in the stable war--strategy to grind up Ultimate is “proceeding according to plan”.

Stone’s Throw: Sharon Stone lobbies to have her name included in the list of blondes who’ve only gotten better over time. “My jab could still dominate the welterweight division.”

Top 10 Brunettes Who Must Be Beaten: Natalie Portman arrives with a scalding beat down of poor Shakira.

Spotlight On: Mandy Moore

Cover: Heather Thomas detonates  a hook off Taylor Cole’s stunned face--HT twisted to the right, crouched on follow through--Taylor flabbergasted, starting to topple backwards. Inset: A tored Jennifer Connelly defends with her back on the ropes while a hungry young Samaire Armstrong attacks with tucking hooks to her ribs.

“FREUDIAN SLIP”

Posted by Simguy on 7/10/2004, 11:57 am.

Somehow, while transcribing the BLONDE! Table O’ Contents--I blacked out when it came to the Krista Allen/Jennie Garth cataclysm. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention what hands-rubbing glee BLONDE took in reporting that fight. Several pictures of Krista blubbering on her haunches, even multiple shots of the bra snap--totally obligatory, showing that stuff in addition to the power punches landed. Kid of thing that periodically brings me to the brink of cancelling my subscription.

Reposted by Archer 9/23/11.