Charlize Theron vs. Ali Larter (first meeting) by simguy May 17, 2008

"I'm so sick of hearing about the 'Durance-Class' lightweights who are supposed to be taking over," Charlize laments prefight. "These girls all work out - get their bodies so hard - that they're brittle! Ali can't take a punch; Jessica Biel can't take a punch; Erica can't take a shot - on and on. I don't care what anyone says - you've got to bring the beef to a lightweight fight. There's more to winning than a washboard stomach."

Most of the promotion dealing with Theron's successful recent campaigns to consolidate her traditional powerbases: Ali a little slighted, lashes back at the podium. "You look at Charlize's record - there's a lot of pork-fat in that 200 fights," Ali snipes. "She's got a handful of good wins, but really - it's mostly a bunch of worn out retreads who were only in it for the paycheque. I'm sorry if I'm not bowing down with the rest of you on this, but I just don't see it. Theron was great - in her day - but boxing has moved on! Maybe there's more to winning than wasboard abs - but they're a great place to start!"

Theron in dark royal blue bikini; soft curls; white gloves. Ali in yellow bikini with yellow ring connections; white gloves. Fight nite sees an unusual concentration of sleek blondes at ringside - Helfer, Diaz, SI supermodel Marissa Miller, so on and so forth. If CT's on the broader market again, these girls want a piece.

Round 1: Brisk boxing midring - girls hot-steppin' in clockwise rotation: Ali able to bounce a long right hand off CT's temple to shake Theron a minute in. Delayed effect - Charlize stepping away, then faltering, then earmuffing up when she realizes she's hurt: Ali pounces. Larter with a rippling left, left, right combo against Theron's ribs, beating the wind from royal lungs. Left uppercut picks up CT's face off her gloves; right hand toggles blonde chin. Theron beaten back a step, firms, sweeps a right to Ali's tummy, then hooks her chin to halt the Larter jailbreak. Ali eyes-narrowed - steps right, scowling over left shoulder: CT regroups behind a high guard. Ali runs the clock in safety-first fashion: stooping to reach in tart jabs to golden midriff - scooting away as cranky Charlize swats receipts late.

Round 2: Charlize wide awake now, starts Ali out with a long left jab to forehead, establishing that reach. CT supple, pointing left shoulder at Ali, lowering left hand to hip in order to coax punches from Larter. Ali trying to comes over CT's left shoulder from outside: Theron loping back, weight on right (back) foot while flicking out the nuisance jab - she's looking to walk Ali onto sneaky right hand counters. Larter jumping in and out - avoiding Charlize's right hands, but eating the jab: wide-ranging stuff as Theron stalks while Ali circles wide, looking for pouncing angles.

Round 3: Furious trade midring - girls leaning in on balls of feet, throwing hands. Ali's right jams in short to CT's chin as Theron's scrubbin' away: Charlize knocked back a step, into the trajectory of Ali's clean up hook. Theron's head swivelling - more backpedaling: Ali hopping forward, STROKING RIGHTS AND LEFTS! Glorious hopping-barrage from Ali - clean-chopping rights denting CT's chin; wide, lashing hook caressing CT's right cheek and THERON GOES DOWN! Krusher tripping over her own feet under pressure - does the glute-scooting boogy to sit bewildered at ropes. Ali slapping mitts together, nostrils flaring: pumped at the sight of astonished Charlize. Theron up, takes her eight, covers up earmuff as Ali darts in again. Larter in low - leading a heavy straight right hand to CT's gut, then erupting from crouch with a ringing hook off the front (left) foot. CT beaten upright against ropes, hands drooping, eyelashes fluttering: ALI POUNDS JUGG! Larter sets up for MMA flurry: straight, jackhammering rights and lefts pounding criss-cross to Theron's Garner-busting melons. Charlize ransacked - lips parting - she's jerking and spasming under the rapid-fire thumping. Bell sounds - Ali seething, teeth bared - she banks a couple of insurance blows as CT's crumpling, trying to hug her hammered hooters.

Round 4: CT demoralized - curls loose in her eyes: she's a little shabby here. Ali pouncing: jabbing CT hard in the pit of her stomach, then straightening on the front leg to hook CT's open mouth. Theron tottering backwards to ropes: Ali stepping-with, lunging in low to bury that lead right in Charlize' shuddering abs; straightening to hook CT's mouth. Another hook clips CT's chin: she relaxes, head lolling, hands dropping to her midriff. Larter weight on right foot, pulls the hook across CT's mouth a third time, toggling the head: muscles of Ali's stomach, back and shoulders shredding into relief as she gets off. Charlize slides to her right, legs rebelling: Ali's swinging hook takes CT square in the face, knocking her head back over top rope, eyelashes fluttering. Ali leaning into CT with her left elbow up, tip pressing into CT's chest to smear her along the ropes; Larter leans in, sweeping the right hand over top and RINGING Charlize' skull. CT spills into the Krusher corner bleak and stunned: Ali hopping-with, teeth bared, FISTS FLYING! Charlize butt-on-turnbuckle, in stupor as she stares into Ali's stamping rights and lefts. Theron's face punched slack - Ali just humming in wide-stance, going at Theron with vigour and THE REF STEPS IN! Good lord - TKO4 Ali Larter!

After: Larter shrieking - she halts Charlize with a blistering assortment of head, jug and body blows to stun the boxing establishment. Theron out on her feet, mumbling in protest as ref cradles her to safety: golden goddess hurt in the opening minute of the fight, never really pulls herself together tonight.

"That's what Charlize has to look forward to," a beaming Ali Larter crows in postfight, drunk on triumph. "While she's been 'consolidating her power', the rest of us have been getting stronger, faster, and better. She got just a taste of what's in store for her, because believe me, girls are lining up for their crack at this dinosaur!"