LINDSAY LOHAN (DEBUT) VS. JESSICA SIMPSON  NOV 20 2004

(Originally posted by Simguy 11/20/2004, 9:11 am).

Before: Most highly anticipated product launch in recent FCBA history—Lindsay Lohan gloving up for her debut bash in support of a new CD and BSE contract said to rival Britney’s own—heady stuff/ “There is a lot of pressure on me,” Lohan admits, “but that’s the game. Every girl is going to want to knock me out, and most of the fighters in the audience want to see me fail. I wouldn’t have it any other way though—the harder they make it on me now, the stronger I’ll be in the long run.” Jessica coming in the smaller girl—most believe she’s at her best around 110—but little blonde Krusher is confident. “Lindsay’s size doesn’t bother me—it’s mostly pork, it’s not like she’s got 10 extra pounds of muscle on me. They’ve been pampering her and drilling her for this moment but nothing prepares you for your first professional prizefight. I’m gonna pressure this kid, go right at her and I’m going to knock Lindsay Lohan out like a Krusher should.” Lindsay in battlin’ blues (see Aristide bikini reference)—Jess in pale pink string bikini.

During R1: Jessica head hunting early, gambling on crashing rights and lefts, bouncing mitss out skull and bumping Lohan off balance. Linds’ face spanked back with oppressive force, eyes wide in shock: Simpsy packs wallop. Second minute, Lohan forced to the ropes—Jessica digging away with left and right uppercuts between the mitts as LL leans forward, Simpsy dips down to gut Lohan a searing hook across the waist then JESSICA GOES JUG! Crowd leaping to its feet and saluting—Simpson getting up in there, backside-a-jiggle as she stands up in the stirrups and shrugs short to Lohan’s million dollar rack. Lindsay guzzling punchews, trying to wrap up high on Jess—blonde ducks and wriggles, shoving Lindsay off and staying on body and jug with a non stop churning. Lohan wilting, sagging into the ropes and LOHAN’S DOWN! Tears brimming as Lindsay takes a knee—Jessica jumping away triumphant, heartbreaking 8 for Lohan and it ain’t over yet. ON COMES JESSICA! Blonde bulling her way in, getting underneath Lindsay, using Lohan’s height against her—blonde just a-DIGGING rights and lefts to the midsection, working up torso to FEAST on those melons. Lohan looking like a billy-clubbed Harp seal as she slumps dazed in the ropes, soaking it up as Jessica pounds away past the bell. Ref hauls feisty blonde off the ravaged redhead—10-8 Simpson first.

R2: Girls trading egomanical right hands, both holding the left low and just shoving stubby jugs and chin. Jessica bumped backwards—Lphan’s heavier weight of shot prevailing—blonde scoots away to regroup. Jess circling, giving Lohan angles—Simpsy showing her experience by losing an initial engagement, but resetting the table with her feet. Jessica launching a series of squalling attacks off Lohan’s left shoulder—blonde churning, then stepping to the side, keeping redhead feet moving. Final minute—Jess lands some sumptuous right hands upside Lindsay’s head, buffeting her sideways: Lohan’s hands a little low, not much head movement as she faces into the blows.

R3: Jessica pancakes Lindsay into her corner with a flying tackle: who’s the big girl tonight? Moment’s shoving and jostling—blonde comes up punching, laying her cheek in on Lohan’s shoulder and BLAZING away to belly both dukes. Lohan on her heels, grimacing—she can’t get her weight forward, reaching around Jessica’s shoulders and SIMPSON GOES RACK! Lohan exposed—Jessica wriggling up in there with short, short leather, shoulders shrugging home the hurt as Lohan’s chest bunches up under bumping impact. Non-stop, bell to bell Jessica on Lindsay—redhead stunned by Simpson’s exuberant ferocity. Punching after the bell? You bet—Jessica helping herself to extra as ref has to pull her away from the jig buffet.

R4: HARD punches to Lindsay’s head—she’s walking into rights, staggering sideways, breaking down—Jessica heartless as she loads up and drives home with hardhearted determination/ Lohan bludgeoned to ropes once again—face strained-she covers up and gives Jessica a blank cheque, Simpson setting wide and swinging awau—bashing at hips and flanks, then bending her knees to chug up underneath, driving in with her shoulder to stack and reset. Lohan bumped and belted, face in her hands. Occasionally bending too far forward and giving her shiny lower back to Simpson’s gleeful shellack. LOHAN’S DOWN! Double L grimacing, hand at bruised kidney—she complains to ref who just starts counting. Shaky 8 Lohan—Jessica pushes her way back in, sensing panic in her young foe’s eyes, Jessica driving in head and shoulders to stack Lohan upright then blonde mugs more jug—hup-hup-hupping up in there, palming and bodying up to keep Lohan exposed. Bell: Jessica ignores it—sight of helpless, heaving bosom driving her on—ref has to pull Simpsy away once again as Lohan slumps, hugging her battered rib and jug meat.

R5: Jessica charges the mound—hurtling into Lohan head-first, butting Lindsay hard beneath the eye and squishing her to ropes once again. Lohan poushing at Jessica’s shoulders for breathing room—blonde just regroups, wades back in and punches lusty to the body. Gorgeous, punding blows off the ribs, healthy sweeping lefts and rights head and shoulders, hungry jug-shrugging—it’s a non-stop blonde landslide, all Jessica to Lindsay. Lohan again on her heels, butt in the ropes, unable to use her size or skills—se’s gobbling up punches at a fearful rate as Jessica starts piling on. Jess reaching her left arm and shoulder in under Lindsay’s right arm to body her back, then belting away until redhead slumps forward: repeat. Bell: Simpsy helps herself to a cheap late right hand pit of the stomach, clubbing righty upside the head as Lohan droops to her right—ref finally intervening with some harsh words for the Krusher Korner.

R6: Jessica pouring herself at Lindsay—Lohan ragdoll, swooning—it’s a heartbreaking night for the proud redhead. Jessica’s pounding face-punching setting the table—Lohan hurt, slumped in the ropes again—bulging ledge of her jugs just thick and helpless as Jessica romps up in there yet again. Simpsy working up quite a sweat on Lohan’s rack—breathing out through pursed lips, maintaining a fearsome output as Lohan wilts forward. Jess punctuating her jug mugging with thudding right hands to the belly which aren’t doing Lohan any good and as Lindsay crumbles forward—the sweet chin music starts to clip home via uppercut. Simpson stepping forward—good order, letting Lindsay fall into the punches—Lohan crumbling, stumbling and LOHAN’S DOWN! Linds sprawling on her chesr, rolling over all achy-tender and it’s OVER! Lohan  can’t get off her back, head lolling gently side to side—KO6 Jessica Simpson in STUNNING fashion.

After: Welcome-to-the-FCBA beatdown a bit of shock—Lohan stumbling out of the gate, just never able to impose herself: she’s stunned, shellshocked on her stool as she comes around, realization dawning. AND JESSICA WNTS MORE! Goaded on by her corner—Simpsy barges in, hugs hurting Lohan to her feet—woozy pleading eyes from Lindsau—then her face is sealed tight against the bulging swell of Simpson’s hulking rack! Jess wrapping up tight—left arm behind Lindsay’s neck to lock up on the right bicep—right hand cupping the top of Lindsay’s damp skull and Jess BEAMING like a kid at Christmas. Simpsy shaking side to side at times, cinching up tighter, nodding to the crowd, biting her lower lip in concentration as she soaks up the last of Lindsay’s dignity. Other Krushers—Cuthbert, Pressly in particular standing around, licking lips as if to say “Yes please: I’ll have some of that.” Lohan slowly sagging to one knee, hands at Simpson’s hips—Jess finally releasing with a big grin, glorying in the sight. Lohan’s eyelashes fluttering, face wet, mouth open as she sways on the spot—what a nightmare. “My jugs stopped her jugs!” Simpsy gushes in postfight. “I’m SO happy right now—I wanted to beat her up and get the stoppage and I TOTALLY did. Did you see me smother her out at the end? OMIGOD that was the BEST! As of right that’s definitely my thing—nobody’s interested in her slutty-puppies.” On and on like that—Simpsy understandably thrilled with the outing. Janet Jones claiming the ‘heinous’ KO of Jewel by Britney precipitated matters—mystifying most viewers. Upon recovery, Lohan is furious, crying angry tears, cheeks flushed, “I want a rematch,” she growls on camera. “That’s all I have to say!”

(Simguy Note: I have to hand it to Tractorpull—I thought he was WAY off base with his prediction, but he obviously had a better grasp of the vibe than I did. I thought Lindsay’s size and smarts would compensate for Jessica’s experience—mostly because Simpsy’s a walk-in Texas girl and so size is going to bother her. So even with jessica’s veteran status, I made it 50-50 overall with a significant edge for Lohan in power—but Jessica just wouldn’t hear of it).