Posted by Simguy on 2/25/2005. 

Before: Uma Therman finally stepping into the ring, ending years of speculation about her intentions.

"It's just time," says the strapping blonde welterweight. "I immediately enter the lists as the biggest name and best actress at 130: that gives me tremendous leverage outside of the ring. I am 35, but I'm untouched - not all banged up and broken down like a lot of these shopworn hags. And I know how to fight - I have physical ability that most big women don't have and what I don't already know I'll learn quickly." Kidman non-plussed at the splashy debut of her foe - Nicole just as big a star, happy to accomodate Uma at 130.

"I knocked out Brooke Shields at this weight," Kidman reminds everyone, "I think I'll be able to handle Uma. I have no idea what Tech is thinking - Therman is a big blonde joke - period. I'm sure they've overpaid for damaged goods and I can't wait to hit them where it hurts: right in their expensive Gucci wallets!"

Uma in green and yellow striped bikini, hair wet, sleek ponytail - Kidman in conservative black bikini, bra straps, long blonde battle braid.

During R1: Nicole upright, stiff-legged gait to the left, tapping out the abrupt jab from weird, stilted posture. Works though - Uma facing into poke, never sees the sharp, straight right hand that detonates on her chin: Welcome to the FCBA chincheck has Thurman stepping in fence post holes early. Kidman heel-and-toeing around her girl, dukes up, palms out muay thai style, hard scowl on her face as she continues to circle, tap out that rigid jab. Kidman with steering hooks, straight right hands off the stick scoring heavily to Uma's face - Therman not showing a lot of defensive savvy. She DOES show fortitude however - Uma sucking it up and swinging long, limber right hands to Kidman's ribs to back Nicole up, avoiding the shutout late.

R2: Kidman perky, on her toes, stepping staccato around Uma and peppering her that stinging, rigid jab. Uma's hand position low, around her chest, HER left jab a pawing, reaching affair, weight on her right foot as she turns, looking to size Nicole up for a single right hand haymaker. Kidman tap-tap-tapping away for points, beating Uma to punches, being first, never staying in one place long enough for Thurman to draw a bead.

R3: Kidman with pretty, if robotic combinations, lights Uma up to the face jab, right hand, left hook, forget-me-not jab as she steps right. Circling left, Kidman pop-popping that jab, then stepping in with a sudden left uppercut, clacking Uma's teeth shut and startling her backside. Nicole long and strong, extending on blows, being very accurate - she hurts Uma, marks her up, dictates to her through 3. Pretty moment in the dying moments for Nicole - she triples up her jab, going PAH! PAH! PAH! in rapid succession to Uma's jugs - tapping each in turn (RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT!) as Thurman can only glare in response.

R4: Uma scuffed up, but essentially unharmed - she's taking Nicole's punch very well. Thurman much more supple and gangly in her approach - recalling Tyra Banks as she brings the jab up off the thigh, drops the left hand to lean into whistling rights, slings the wrap-around hook wide. Kidman respecting the power even when it misses - stepping out of range and looking things over, starting to dip and jab to Uma's body. Thurman the effective aggressor at last - stalking Kidman, starting to get the range on the looping right hand as Nicole's back gets closer and closer to ropes.

R5: Kidman pressed, rushed - she's looking a little harried, awkwardly spinning to her left to keep her back off the ropes: Thurman's legs pressuring Nicole. Uma getting busted in the chops Nikki's jab, but walking through it - Thurman getting close, loading up on right hands. Midway through, Uma's lashing hook crashes into Kidman's chest, spoiling Nicole's own hook and sending Aussie upright into ropes. Uma shifts right, loops a bolo right uppercut to Kidman's chin: concussive blast rocks Nikki's head straight back, draping her over the top rope with splattering impact. Nicole droops forward, dazed: Uma reloads, hauls a CLANGING right supple to the jaw, landing flat. Kidman immediately limp - hands reaching for canvas as she folds forward, staring at canvas - she never sees the lariat right hand to the back of her head and she's out before her face hits the canvas. Thurman gloating as the ref shoves her back - no need for a count as Kidman's out cold. KO5 Uma Thurman.

After: Lanky Uma exhibiting her goods in fine style, honky-tonking Nicole Kidman to the mat with bludgeoning right hands very reminiscent of a Tyra Banks or other long-limbed supple sluggers.

"Offence is there," notes one big-girl-beat Celebrity Ring reporter. "She took a good shot, but you wonder what would have happened if Uma gave up her chin like that to a Gena Lee or a Kris Loken."

Thurman upbeat, sweaty, and a little puffy - she dismisses Nicole's good early work. "She hit me because I didn't respect her punch, and I wanted her throwing so I could catch her," Uma explains. "It's more or less what I expected. The FCBA better get used to the sight of me strutting away from a KO'd slut - I'm going to be stacking up a bodies Crazy 88 style - believe me!"