If you are citizen of an European Union member nation, you may not use this service unless you are at least 16 years old.
You already know Dokkio is an AI-powered assistant to organize & manage your digital files & messages. Very soon, Dokkio will support Outlook as well as One Drive. Check it out today!

05 November 2011 Halle Berry vs Ashlee Simpson

Page history last edited by Archer844 12 years, 2 months ago

Halle Berry 03.jpg Ashlee Simpson 03.jpg

HBO SATURDAY NIGHT FIGHTS: "GATOR BRAWL"

Posted by Idea By Archer/Words By Wiz/Sim Had Nothing To Do With THIS Nonsense... on 11/5/2011, 9:47 am

Man In The Hat: "Thank you, Jenny O'Dell. And, since I won't be doin' a press conference seein' as I'm out here, let me answer the inevitable questions. Wiz=Not Happy. Now, I'm The Grand Wizard of Boxing..."

Britney: "And I'm Britney Spears..."

Man In The Hat: "And you are lookin' LIVE, SUCK IT, Musberger, at a swamp in South Jersey..."

Britney: "Where...believe it or not, there's going to be an actual fist fight..."

Man In The Hat: "Let's zoom the camera out there to the middle of the swamp, boys, and so the fans can see a full-sized FCBA ring surrounded by a cage floatin' on a barge. Now, the cage ain't there to stop the fighters from gettin' OUT, it's there to keep THOSE guys from gettin' IN. Yeah, those are alligators out in that swamp, and, no, we ain't got gators in Jersey, we brought 'em in from Florida. Might be a few crocs out there, too. I can't tell the difference by lookin' and I didn't think it was a good idea to ASK them..."

Britney: "Now, as the cameras pan around, you folks watching on HBO will see fans surrounding this swamp, behind a special fence erected to keep the gators out THERE. Some fans have binoculars, and others are going to watch on the big screen TVs set up all around here...and what they're going to see is, for the first time on television, a 'Gator Brawl'..."

Man In The Hat: "Here's how this is gonna go down. The referee and the competitors will be taken out to the ring in boats. There will be no seconds, no judges, no decisions. It's going to be as many three minute rounds as necessary to get the job done. Between rounds, the ladies will stand in their corners...but, I'd imagine maybe not TOO close to 'em, because, gang, they ARE going to be up to their you-know-whats in alligators, so it's too late to think about drainin' the swamp!"

Britney: "And first down to...um...SWAMPside...how DID you rope me into this, Wiz?"

Man In The Hat: "Frankly, I have no idea..."

Britney: "Is special guest referee Danielle Harris!"

Man In The Hat: "As Dani makes her way to the ring to a nice round of applause I want to point some things out to you fans at home. You'll notice there are no FCBA logos around here, and that's because the FCBA wouldn't sanction this. Also, everyone here, including the fans, have had to sign waivers, as, you know, hangin' around a swamp full of gators can be dangerous!"

Britney: "Dani off the boat and entering the cage, climbs through the ropes and into the ring and now comes our first competitor, Ashlee Simpson! Speaking of people I can't believe you talked into this..."

Man In The Hat: "Open contract I happened to have sittin' around. You know, people gotta learn to be careful what they sign. You put your name at the bottom of a contract and don't fill in an opponent or a venue, stuff happens. We call a move like that 'Doin' A McCarthy'..."

Britney: "Ashlee in a yellow and white striped bikini, having dispensed with the robe, as there are going to be no seconds to help her with it. Ashlee into the ring and here comes her opponent, in that orange number she favors...Halle Berry!"

Man In The Hat: "Again. Open contract. Two burrs under my saddle...next time I suggest someone fightin' Berry, Champ, hit me in the head with a waffle iron, will ya?"

Britney: "Um...here comes someone who looks like she WANTS to hit you in the head with a waffle iron. Hi, Jessica..."

Man In The Hat: "For the folks at home, Jessica Simpson is here! Come on up to the dais, here, Jess! MY you look lovely tonight...get Jessica a headset gang..."

Jessica: "...try to flatter ME! I can't BELIEVE you're doing this! I know you're behind this, Spears! This is just another way for you to 'get' the Simpsons, since you know WE are the first family of the FCBA and entertainment and are FAR more successful than you tramps from Louisiana!"

Britney: "I'll remember that the next time one of my songs hits number one, I play a sold out show, or I knock YOUR underachieving a** OUT in the ring!"

Jessica: "Listen you...we'll go right now!"

Man In The Hat: "Now, settle down, Jessica! Britney had nothin' to do with this. The Champ doesn't handle her business like that. She prefers to do it up close and personal in the ring. Ask Two Ton Tina Aguilera. No, this was all MY idea. And, besides, I ain't like anyone's actually gonna get EATEN by a gator...probably..."

Jessica: "I can not BELIEVE that Paris puts up with you! A high class woman like her dealing with some scheming weasel..."

Britney: "You know, Jess, you're about five seconds from making FCBA history as the first woman tossed ten feet off an announce platform into a swamp full of alligators..."

Man In The Hat: "Ladies, I DO believe the festivities are about to begin. Jess, why don't you stay with us and give us your perspective on the fight?"

Jessica: "I might just DO that, because I'm SURE the commentary will be BIASED if I don't!"

ROUND ONE:

Man In The Hat: "Dani Harris explainin' the rules, such as they are. My guess is Rule No. 1 states: 'Try Not To Get Eaten'..."

Jessica: "That's not FUNNY!"

Britney: "The live audience begs to differ..."

Man In The Hat: "I won't ask for a prediction from either lady here, but, Jess, can you clue us in on Ashlee's strategy?"

Britney: "Obey Rule No. 1?"

Jessica: "That cage may get double duty tonight..."

Britney: "And they'll scrape TWO Simpsons off the canvas..."

Jessica: "Oh, Ashlee's going to WIN. She's younger and quicker than Berry, and she's going to wear her down and then take her out of there! Just you watch!"

Man In The Hat: "And there's the bell for the first, and Halle right forward, but Ashlee wants to use the legs. Gonna jab and circle. Smart idea, that..."

Jessica: "Of COURSE it is! Ashlee's no dummy!"

Britney: "No. Too easy..."

Man In The Hat: "Ashlee poking that jab, circling and dancing. Halle chasing, but not catching. Simpsy, Jr. ain't exactly scorin' points here, but, since there's not gonna be a decision..."

Jessica: "Exactly! It doesn't MATTER. Halle's like, a hundred. She can't hang with Ashlee all night."

Man In The Hat: "Simpson all leggy out there. Hasn't thrown a right all round. Halle trying to locate. Can't do it. Nobody landin' much of anything as the first comes to an end."

Britney: "Pretty even round if we were scoring, but I think Jessica's right. That's an effective round for Ashlee. The longer this goes, the better things are for her."

ROUND TWO:

Man In The Hat: "Second round underway and Halle more circumspect this time. Looking to cut the ring off. Ashlee ain't havin' any. Wants to move and jab. Using those youthful legs very well. Bouncin' and misbehavin'. Landin' the odd left. Not checkin' Berry with it so much as irritatin' her and givin' Ashlee a chance for an organized retreat."

Jessica: "That's the way, Ashlee! Keep boxing her! You know, Wiz, maybe you ought to SIGN Ashlee. I mean, we know she's better than Jamie Lynn and look how she's handing Berry! Neve and Nicole couldn't do that!"

Britney: "Keep talking, Porky..."

Jessica: "Jealous, much, Miss Wish-I-Had-This-Rack?"

Man In The Hat: "See, this kinda stuff drives Jenny O'Dell CRAZY, but I kinda like it! Anyway, Simpson usin' the slicks and the quicks here. Berry can't cut the ring. Can't find Ashlee. Simpson landin' the odd left and that's it for the second. Another good round for Ashlee."

Jessica: "And I know you aren't happy about THAT, Wiz..."

Man In The Hat: "Actually, this is win-win for me. ONE of 'em gets starched, and I don't care which..."

ROUND THREE:

Man In The Hat: "Third round begins and Berry forward again, walking through Ashlee's jab, tying her up, working the body with that right hook!"

Jessica: "Holding and hitting! WARN her, Harris!"

Britney: "Keep in mind, there are no disqualifications in this one, so a warning won't mean much..."

Jessica: "The referee should do her JOB."

Man In The Hat: "Harris breaks them, but Halle's right back at Ashlee, just walking through her and tying her up, working that belly and those ribs with heavy hooks, tying up Ashlee's arms. Simpson trying to punch free..."

Britney: "RIGHT HAND, HALLE! SHORT HOOK!"

Man In The Hat: "Ashlee's legs went limp! Halle holding her up, going body with the free right hand! Simpson is nearly out on her feet!"

Jessica: "What's Harris DOING?"

Britney: "Watching?"

Man In The Hat: "SHORT RIGHT, BERRY! DOWN GOES SIMPSON!"

Jessica: "Get UP, ASHLEE!"

Man In The Hat: "Simpson not moving, but the gators are jumping as her body hittin' the mat rocked the barge..."

Britney: "Aguilera goes down in there and she SINKS it..."

Man In The Hat: "Wait...Harris stops the count...did Ashlee...she DID! Simpson saved by the bell! Dani helping her to her corner here, standing her up. Ashlee managing to STAY up..."

ROUND FOUR:

Man In The Hat: "Harris asking Ashlee if she wants to continue. Simpson waives her away. Dani blowing a whistle...waiving to shore...is she STOPPING this..."

Jessica: "She'd better NOT! Ashlee wants to fight!"

Man In The Hat: "Oh, wait. Silly me. This is one of those rules I forgot about..."

Jessica: "What rule? What are those boats coming out for?"

Man In The Hat: "Well, Dani's the only woman in the FCBA ever fought in one o' these, see, so we had to rely on HER to tell us what the rules are..."

Jessica: "Are they throwing fresh CHICKENS into the water????"

Man In The Hat: "Yeah. Accordin' to Dani, every three rounds you have to CHUM the swamp..."

Jessica: "This is NUTS!"

Man In The Hat: "The gators are GOING nuts..."

Britney: "And the live crowd is going wild!"

Man In The Hat: "Just a note, different meats are used every three rounds as the gators apparently TIRE of chicken after awhile. This is a nice piece of luck for Ashlee, though. Gives her some extra time to recover. Boats heading back to shore and Harris gonna start the fourth. Halle forward and...uh oh..."

Jessica: "MOVE, Ashlee!"

Britney: "Looks like that last round took it out of Simpson's legs..."

Man In The Hat: "Sure does and Halle lands a solid one-two. Ashlee retreating, covering up. Halle backing her to the ropes, lathering the body with hooks. Ashlee trying to tie up. Halle punching free..."

Britney: "UPPERCUT!"

Man In The Hat: "That snapped Simpson's head all the way back! She lolls forward. Berry holding her up, hammering away to the body. Ashlee may be out..."

Jessica: "Harris needs to stop this!"

Man In The Hat: "Left hook, Berry and Ashlee splashes down at her feet, face first, unmoving..."

Jessica: "Stay down, Ashlee!"

Britney: "No worries, Jess. None..."

Man In The Hat: "Harris counting eight, nine, ten! That's it! The winner by KO4 is Halle Berry as the gators snap at the cage!"

Jessica: "Harris looks like she's ENJOYING this!"

Britney: "Only because she IS..."

Man In The Hat: "Dani helping Ashlee to her feet and now blowing that whistle and waiving again..."

Britney: "Boat headed out there...and someone handing Harris a crown, a scepter and..."

Jessica: "Is that a SWORD??? WHAT the..."

Man In The Hat: "Relax, Jessica. No one's going to humiliate Ashlee. Or OFF her. This is another of those rules Dani told us about."

Britney: "Halle getting down on one knee and Dani touching both shoulders with the sword, now giving Halle the scepter and placing the crown on her head..."

Man In The Hat: "Ms. Harris has just anointed Halle Queen of the Swamp. Ashlee now bowing before the Queen. Halle bids her to rise..."

Jessica: "This is NUTS..."

Britney: "What was your first hint, the fact that they filled the swamp with alligators or that they decided to have a boxing match in the middle of them?"

Man In The Hat: "Now, as I understand it, Halle's Queen of the Swamp title, represented by the crown and scepter, while not officially recognized, must be defendied if and when she gets a challenge..."

Britney: "She might just as well lock those things away in a vault somewhere, because I can't imagine her getting many challenges..."

Jessica: "For once, I agree with you, Spears..."

Man In The Hat: "Well, I can think of one wingnut Irish Playmate, but, beyond her...but, that's speculation for another time..."

Jessica: "You know, if it weren't for the alligators, I'd take you out in that swamp and teach you a lesson, Spears..."

Britney: "There aren't any alligators on THIS side of the fence, Porky..."

Man In The Hat: "For Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears, this is the Grand Wizard of Boxin' sayin' SO LONG from the swamps of Jersey!"