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22 December 2011 Santa Wiz

Page history last edited by Archer844 12 years ago

Posted by Boxing World Online on 12/22/2011, 8:29 pm

Our reporter enters Front Street to find a huge chair in the center of the gym, a line of comely females in front of it, and a crowd of others gathered around it. The Man In The Hat in a Santa suit, complete with Santa hat on top of wizard hat, sits on said chair. On his lap, in a form fitting elf suit is Beth Harnois. And, in front of him, manning the rope line, in another elf suit, is Avril Lavigne. The reporter watches as Olivia Munn approaches the chair and climbs the steps to stand in front of the Man In The Hat.

Man In The Suit: "And what do YOU want for Christmas, little girl?"

Olivia: "Wait...aren't I supposed to be sitting on your lap instead of your elf?"

Beth(coldly): "No one sits on his lap but ME."

Man In The Suit(laughing): "Now, let's not be bad girls this close to Christmas, or Santa might have to put coal in your stockings. Then again, sometimes he LIKES it when you're bad..."

Reporter(muttering to himself): "Oh, for..."

Olivia: "Sorry, Santa. You know what I want! I want a bantamweight title shot!"

Avril(muttering): "You're asking the right guy. He can get you a shot...as long as you don't work here..."

Man In The Suit: "Well, Ms. Munn, Santa seems to recall that you've been VERY good this year! Especially this week! He'll see what he can do!"

Olivia steps away smiling as Avril let's the next girl step up to "Santa".

Man In The Suit: "And what can I get YOU little girl?"

Cassie Scerbo(smiling impishly): "I have a list here..."

She hands the extensive list over and the Man In The Suit looks over it and says, "Well, since you have been EXTREMELY good this year..."

Reporter(muttering): "Santa apparently grades on quite the curve..."

Man In The Suit: "I think you can have everything on this list...though the RPG might take a little longer. The elves don't typically make explosives, so Santa might have to send OUT for that..."

As Cassie bounces away grinning, Avril lets another girl through the rope.

Man In The Suit: "And what can Santa bring YOU this year?"

Vanessa Hudgens: "You know, Santa, I've been thinking about that, and...well...I can't think of a THING I don't already HAVE! Can you?"

Avril(muttering): "I just threw up in my mouth a little..."

Man In The Suit: "Well, Santa will think of SOMEthing...and, who have we HERE! A visitor from The Land Of Oz!"

As Vanessa steps down, she's replaced by Poppy Montgomery.

Man In The Suit: "And what would YOU like for Christmas, young lady?"

Poppy: "Um...do you just have ONE of those bantamweight title shots..."

Man In The Suit(laughing): "Santa likes that one! You've been very good this year, Poppy. VERY good. Especially when you SPANKED Jenny McCarthy. Santa REALLY liked that. Now, he can't guarantee anything regarding that title shot, but he'll see what he can do. And maybe he'll get you a fight here in Philly on one of the Asylum cards, too!"

Poppy: "I might like that, Santa. Thanks!"

As Poppy steps down, she's replaced by Kaley Cuoco.

Man In The Suit: "Why so downcast, young lady? It's Christmas! What can Santa do to put a smile on that lovely face?"

Kaley: "Santa wouldn't know any hitmen, would he?"

Man In The Suit: "You might be surprised..."

Kaley(smiling): "Ooorrrrr. Santa could TRADE for me. After all, I knocked out his best elf and I'm ranked higher than any elf at the North Pole. Santa NEEDS a head elf and I'm available. I could win Santa his first title. And I look GREAT in a green bikini!"

Man In The Suit: "I have no doubt about that. But, Santa doesn't want to trade any of his elves even for an elf that looks as good as you. Besides, Santa thinks 2012 could be the year that Kaley and Jessica start getting along!"

Kaley(stomping off): "You SUCK, Santa!"

Man In The Suit: "Naughty list. Who's next...well. Who do we have here..."

Keeley Hazell: "Are you SURE I can't climb up there, Santa?"

A steely-eyed look from Beth answer's Keeley's question.

Man In The Suit: "Now, what can Santa get YOU for Christmas?"

Keeley(smiling): "Well, a girl can ALWAYS use new bras. Mine keep getting all stretched out..."

Beth(icily): "Amazing since you never seem to have one ON..."

Keeley(still smiling): "YOURS, on the other hand, must last years and years..."

Beth(starting to stand): "YOU..."

Man In The Suit(pulling Beth back into his lap): "Now, ladies, settle down. Santa doesn't want to have to PUNISH you...in public, anyway. And, Keeley, you tell The King that brand new crown polishing kit he wants will be under the tree Christmas morning!"

Keeley(stepping down): "I'll do that!"

Man In The Suit: "Well! Hello, Ms. Hurley! Step on up! What do YOU want for Christmas?"

Liz Hurley: "A fight with Brooke Decker! I want to know why you gave that overrated Kraut Klum the spot! Afraid, after I ruined your girl Perry?"

Katy(appearing from the crowd gathered around the line): "I'll ruin something for you, you lucky old fossil!"

Man In The Suit(smiling): "Ladies! It's Christmas! And, Liz, no hard feelings, ok? You and Brookie D may get together at some point. But, come on down to Asylum for Decker/Klum as my guest. Ringside seats from Santa!"

Hurley: "Maybe I'll do that!"

Liz heads off only to be replaced by another Brit.

Man In The Suit: "To what do I owe the honor, Ms. Beckinsale?"

Kate: "I've come to ask for an important present. As you no doubt know, the FCBA is overrun by all sorts of guttersnipery. Not just..."

And she says the next words sneering, as if she's tasting dirt as she utters them. "...TELEVISION actresses, FASHION models, and...POP singers...but now PAGE THREE tarts and that lowest form of life, the..."

She looks as if she's about to spit as she says, "PLAYmate."

From the crowd come some remarks that show a distinct lack of Holiday spirit. Kate responds with a sharp shake of the head and a shout of, "Quiet, you RABBLE! Santa, you really MUST put a stop to all this! The FCBA is not for THEM. It's for US. The A-list MOVIE stars! Women like Reese, Charlize, Angelina, and, of course, myself. That's what I want for Christmas, Santa. To be RID of these CRETINS! Make it so!"

And with that, she walks haughtily away to some more of those un-holiday like sentiments to be replaced by Blake Lively.

Beth: "You're in the wrong place, Blake! The Wizard you want is in Oz. HE'S the one who can give you a heart and a brain!"

Blake: "Shut up, Harnois! You're just jealous..."

Man In The Suit: "Ladies! Holiday spirit, please! Now, what would you like for Christmas, Blake?"

Blake: "Another piece of Brook..."

Beth: "Seems to me you got enough of Brook...right in your face..."

Blake: "That's IT, Harnois..."

Man In The Suit: "Peace on earth and good will to men, ladies! Santa will see what he can do, Blake."

Man In The Suit: "Let's see who's next. Hayden! You've been a really good girl! What would YOU like for Christmas?"

From The Crowd: "IMPLANTS!"

Hayden: "Well, Santa, I'm not here to ask for anything. I just want to thank you for being so supportive and having my back..."

From The Crowd: "KissA**!"

Hayden: "Who said that?"

Man In The Suit: "Pay no attention to them, Hayd! Santa appreciates what you said, and, how OLD is that car of yours now? A year or so? Too old for the best flyweight in the world Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and every other Sunday. You check that driveway on Christmas. See if there isn't a nice new Beemer out there from Santa."

As Hayden steps down, beaming (no pun intended), Avril steps up and hands the Man In The Suit a phone.

Avril: "It's Carrie Prejean!"

Man In The Suit: "Carrie! It's Santa! What can I get YOU for Christmas? You HATE it down there? Uh huh. Well, I'm sorry to hear about your digestive issues...uh huh...a plane ticket home? Well, Santa will see what he can do. Ok, Carrie. And Feliz Navidad!"

Avril: "We have one last girl, Santa!"

Man In The Suit: "Ho, ho, ho! Literally! It's Jenny McCarthy!"

Of course, it is NOT Jenny McCarthy. It's the blow up doll with the deflated breast. And now, its eyes have been blackened with a sharpie. Neve carries it up and sits it on the Man In The Suit's lap.

Man In The Suit: "So, Jenny, what do YOU want for Christmas?"

"Jenny" (actually Neve doing a Mr. Bill falsetto): "A TIME MACHINE!"

Man In The Suit: "Now, what would you want THAT for?"

"Jenny": "To go back ten years to before I was old, busted, and shot!"

Man In The Suit: "Anything else?"

"Jenny": "Yeah. Botox and a TROWEL to apply my make up!"

Man In The Suit: "Well, you weren't a very good girl, but I think Santa will get you those...as a service to humanity! Now, Santa has to get back to work. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"