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5 May 2012 Kate Beckinsale vs Jenny McCarthy

Page history last edited by Archer844 11 years, 8 months ago

Kate Beckinsale 04.jpg Jenny McCarthy 08.jpg

Posted by simguy/Sceej wrds on May 5, 2012, 9:13 am

Renewal of one of the most heated rivalries in FCBA history, dating back to K-Becks throwing down the gauntlet to all of Playboy boxing with her infamous Playmate charm bracelet (which now sports even more silver bunnies – generic “Miss July” types flown over to England to be flattened by “the Duchess” in front of adoring British crowds – to go along with the coveted golden bunnies, symbolizing wins over Playmates of the Year!). Beckinsale refusing joint press conferences to hype the fight, reminds press of her 2-1 career edge over Jenny Mac and dismisses the one round KO in title fight as an “aberration”. Also reminds press that she has offered Jenny a best of seven to settle things once and for all between them, noting with just the hint of a smile that she would only need two more wins, but announcing she intends to end the rivalry now!

Kate boldly predicts that “the boxing press and public shall not have to wait long agonizing months until her promised October retirement to be rid of the boorish Miss McCarthy – I intend to end her career summarily!” Becks surprises press by recognizing and taking question from Playboy Boxing Monthly as to the reason for her “hatred” of Jenny Mac.

Imperious … haughty … K-Becks lectures the scribe. “I do not ‘hate’ Miss McCarthy. To be candid, as an individual she is unworthy of my notice. I do, however, have disdain for what she represents. The FCBA was founded by and for film actresses.   The likes of Jennifer McCarthy – the self crowned ‘Greatest Fighting Playmate of all time’ … are glorified ‘Page 3 girls’ meddling in the affairs of their betters! I know I speak for many when I say I am more than weary of her mindless braying in her tedious self promoting monthly column … ‘Talking Smack’ indeed … along with her sundry other juvenile outbursts.”

“She is an insolent, willful girl who will benefit greatly from a full measure of firm English discipline! Make no mistake … I will not leave the ring until I have knocked McCarthy out cold!”

Fight Night! Jenny to ring to strains of Bobby Darin’s “Mac the Knife’ but none of her usual clowning. Beckinsale the master of getting under Jenny’s notoriously thing skin; seething ‘Mount McCarthy’ looks ready to erupt any moment. Added tension possibly attributable to unconfirmed reports that Jenny has placed a very very substantial side bet on herself to win … far more than her substantial purse for this fight … and possibly goaded into the reckless wager by a certain prestidigitator from Pennsylvania? Seconds become minutes as reports filter out of locker room that Beckinsale camp is having to re-glove Kate as one glove tore during warm up. Most insiders view it as K-Becks cleverly “icing” the Playmate. Whatever the truth, Jenny in the ring approaching ten minutes before “Rule Brittania” echoes through arena and draws roar from British fans out in force to support “Our Kate”.

Beckinsale takes a circuit of the ring, waving to crowd with that familiar “screwing in a light bulb” gesture and making damn certain to tinkle the Playmate charm bracelet as she passes Sceej corner.   Scrubby McGee and Adrianne Palicki visibly restraining Jenny at this point.   Is it a trick of the eye or is the light actually glinting off that particular gold bunny charm inscribed “Jenny McCarthy”?

Jenny in familiar red bikini with brass ring at hip connectors and Kate in classic black as they come to center ring for instruction. Palpable contrast in demeanor – Jenny White hot with fury; Kate icy cold with condescension.    Referee ends instructions with “… now touch ‘em up and come out fighting”, sighing exhale of resignation as both girls decline request – could be a busy night for referee!

Round 1: Ringsiders shocked … a clean tactical round! Beckinsale in classic boxer stance … back heel slightly off canvas … right glove at chin … measuring Playmate with jab … steady “pap” “pap” “pap”. McCarthy with gloves at cheeks … half crouch and bobbing … occasionally able to slip jab and when she does, digs short right to British breadbasket … heavier punches and the ”Dutchess” quick to clinch … skillfully letting Playmate burn energy as she struggles to get hands loose. Close round but in final thirty seconds, Kate twice follows jab with crisp right hand … second one clearly rings blonde’s bell and probably secures the round.

Round 2: Sound technical advice in Sceej corner … promptly ignored as Jenny McCarthy practically sprints across ring to pin startled Kate Beckinsale in her own corner. Boxing match just became a street fight!   McCarthy bashing with both hands to body, occasionally bring left up to hook at the head. Beckinsale with elbows in tight and looking to roll with shots but this is not her game! British beauty sneaks inside left uppercut but raging blonde shrugs it off and keeps pumping leather. Second uppercut forces a half step back from determined Playmate. They say third time is a charm and … BECKINSALE DOWN!   Jenny Mac not quite so out of control as seemed, anticipates uppercut, bends head out of harm’s way and blasts K-Becks with a counter right to jaw. Beckinsale’s legs go out and she finds herself sitting on canvas. McCarthy follow up hook nearly catches opponent while on canvas and referee wraps up Mac and hustles her to neutral corner, blonde’s eyes blazing! Beckinsale up in good order from flash knockdown and looking to use her legs! Rotating left and spitting jabs, looking to stop runaway blonde train that is running her down. J-Mac steps right to cut ring and introduces Kate to the “Cherry Tree Special” … left jab … left hook … straight right. Beckinsale stunned by blonde power and stopped in her tracks. Jenny Mac heaving right hand like a sash weight, bludgeons hated rival to her knees, roaring down, “Get up! Get the f*ck up … I’m not done with you, b*tch!”.   Beckinsale up at 8 and facing a blonde bull in a china closet – McCarthy winging lefts and rights, total disregard for Beckinsale counters. Kate tries to leg it but legs are not there; has to stand ground and soak it up. Jenny in her KO lust bouncing a lot of shots off biceps and shoulders, Brit clears head, times it .. times it … and twists into that left uppercut! Jenny Mac stumbles a half step back .. clipped clean … Kate clear to get away .. or get after her! Kate chooses latter … feints with left and fires right to temple … and McCARTHY SPILLS TO CANVAS!!! British fans leap to feet at stunning reversal! McCarthy scrambles to feet all “I’m not hurt!” but bell rings and Kate Beckinsale may have saved herself from a 2 or 3 point round with late knockdown!

Rounds 3-4: Pace slows, both girls a bit more cautious after tasting canvas. Jenny busier and fresher takes the third, Becks sharpshooting with the jab and playing the ring general comes back to take the fourth. Boozy British crowd ringing between rounds “… there’s only ONE … Kate Beckinsale … only ONE … Kate Beckinsale …” ala the Rickey Hatton crowds , and annoying McCarthy no end!

Round 5: Jenny off stool with smack on rump from Scrubby McGee and admonition to “Finish dis thing and we’ll all go have a drink … I’m buyin!”.   K-Becks back in classic stance and frustrating Jenny with that educated jab.    Jenny bobs … she weaves … and always seems to have that brunette glove in her face … pap … pap .. pap … Kate with right cocked.   Jenny drops hands to sides in frustration … sticks out chin and gestures Brit … “C’mon … C’mon … Lemme see what ya got?”. Beckinsale sniffs nose in disdain .. half turn away … then wheels back and stuns Playmate with right hand lead! Sucker punch, K-Becks! And McCarthy did NOT take the shot well!   Jenny reeling … staggers half step forward … Beckinsale lashes left to ribs … then doubles up and really digs the liver! Jenny folds forward … lifted by uppercut and BLONDE GIRL DOWN! McCarthy on her back … blinking at house lights as Beckinsale guided to neutral corner … hands raised in triumph! Jenny able to beat count … she baby step back until she hits the cables. Beckinsale advancing coolly … uses rangefinder jab then lashes left to ribs and right to sternum, gutting her blonde. Jenny bending at waist … cramping up … and Kate knows it! Sets up office and goes to work … methodical … nothing hurried …. bumping blonde with shoulder to set her in place then working both hands to the body - Playmate ribs pinking up ash she is forced further and further back into ropes.   At 20 second mark, Kate goes back to the uppercut that’s been her bread and butter and just LIFTS blonde out of that half seat, telescoping neck and putting severe shimmy in knees. At bell, Kate forces eye contact and has a few choice words for her rival.

Front Street in the front row … girls to their feet … the Wizard seated with cryptic smile … Neve Campbell bellowing at Beckinsale “Stay to her body … she don’t like it to the body!” (and in the words of the great Joe Louis “Who do?”

Round 6: Palicki icing “big sister’s” ribs between rounds as Scrubby whispering in blonde ear whole sixty seconds. Bell … and Beckinsale purposeful march across ring … McCarthy with back in corner … elbows at ribs … Beckinsale left right to ribcage and McCarthy stricken … Beckinsale … BECKINSALE HURT! McCarthy with uppercut of her own stuns the Brit … big shite eating grin out of blonde! Britney Spears ringside tweets “She was playing possum! J-Mac = shrewd?!! Who’da thunk!”. Beckinsale stumbles back … stunned … McCarthy in pursuit. Tide has turned and McCarthy the pursuer … and less reckless … dukes at chin …. Slipping the Beckinsale jab to thump the body. Beckinsale complaining of low blow … replay says different but flustered ref seperates boxers and Kate able to steal a few seconds to recover. Jenny’s round but Kate ends with a double jab and straight right exclamation point that knocks Jenny’s head back!

Bantam sampling: Poppy Montgomery tweets ringside “Beckinsale by two points and closing the show!” Minka Kelly “I have it even through six?” Carmela DeCeasare “I have Jenny ahead by one – but very close!”

Round 7: Boxing clinic, courtesy of Katherine Beckinsale! Heel turns … head movement … everything off the jab … and as round progresses, punctuated by follow up straight right knocking blonde head back.   Cooperative Playmate doggedly coming forward but gradually pursuit slowing … and by last minute it is K-Becks forcing J-Mac back! . In corner, grim Scubby gives Mac the “Yer blowin’ it, kid”

Round 8: Becks getting bold! No more circling … meets McCarthy mid ring and engages! Feints jab and rings her up with straight right … toggles chin with slapping hook … finishes with left right left to the body then skips out of harm’s way with a flourish!   Half hearted right counter by blonde very very late. Jenny pawing with jab … trying to find brunette phantom … Becks showing her angles then snapping off smartly. Beckinsale picking her spots and potshotting the blonde, picking her apart.    Methodical three minute pummeling leaves McCarthy sleepy eyed.   Scrubby grabbing Jenny by chin, “Lissen Jenny … if ya can’t fight back … or won’t fight back … I gotta stop dis thing, unnerstan’?”

Round 9-10: Girls meet mid ring … tactical trade … both more than a little tired. Both rounds, roar of “NOW!” from McCarthy corner at the 30 second mark and Jenny digs deep, lets her hands fly late in the round, the power isn’t there but busier than Becks, appears to steal 9th and 10th but close rounds.   At final bell, Kate Beckinsale throws hands in air in triumph … earning a hard shove from McCarthy and corners empty to corral girls.

Long long long wait on the tallies … girls kept separated but their boozy supporters in the stands provide plenty of fisticuffs … at long last it comes back …. Tractorpull special … draw after ten!

Both fighters looking gassed. Beckinsale apparently willing to take the draw … but already telling fans in Sky interview that the decision is “a travesty’ … shopworn McCarthy DEMANDING they go to extras! McCarthy’s urgency to fight to finish has some ‘wise guys” nodding knowingly … “It’s da side bet on herself to win … draw’s as good as a loss!”

Word about the purported bet gets to K-Becks. Smirking, she snubs Playmate … actually returns to locker room to “consider” proposition … and sends out list of stipulations on back of a program … which J-Mac angrily signs … does not appear to even read it? Then, again it’s the ice job ... clever tactic by K-Becks … takes another 10-15 minutes to warm up in locker room … batting the puncher’s mitts … while blonde’s body inevitably cools down in ring … rage at waiting burning but muscles stiffening. At length, Beckinsale is seen in the tunnel and partisans from both sides roar at the prospect of “extra innings” to settle this thing! FCBA tie breaker format in effect … win two consecutive rounds or KO to take the fight.

Round 11: Beckinsale appears fresher and clearly sharper. Legs active as she circles behind that laser like jab … pap … pap … pap … peppering blonde’s weary face. Jenny following, letting Becks dictate, instead of cutting ring to force action … she’s looking to hook midriff but brunette slides away.   At one minute mark, steadily retreating Beckinsale abruptly plants back foot and stuns Mac with straight right hand to sternum … follow up left hook to temple has McCarthy stumbling back to ropes with brunette in pursuit. “English blood runs hot …” to quote Jagger … and Beckinsale feeling the knockout lust! Gone is the stylish boxer …. she bulls her blonde to the ropes and lets loose with both hands … pounding McCarthy and occasionally ripping hook to toggle chin … then K-Becks goes for the kill (psychologically at least) and lays into the J-Mac rack! Pistoning British fists pancaking proud Playmate puppies! Jenny all shocked look at the harvesting of her rack … finally gets her hands moving and with supreme act of will, backs Kate off of her but it is a very shabby J-Mac at the bell.    Beckinsale chests up and tries to force eye contact “You ought to have accepted the draw, cretin … now you shall suffer the full consequences of your hubris!”.

Round 12: McCarthy off stool, a little ragged but desperate … she called for the tiebreaker and there is a lot riding on this round! Looking to take out her brunette tormentress with one shot … frequently leading with the big overhand right ... elusive Brit slipping the shots with flair and rewarding blonde misses with a smirk … deliberately pricking the infamous McCarthy temper. Jenny Mac responds with bigger swings … and bigger misses … few things more exhausting than swinging and missing … and the crafty K-Becks is systematically exhausting her opponent … brunette matador goading the pretty blonde bull. About one minute in, Beckinsale slows pace of her dance around perimeter … observes McCarthy breathing heavy from mouth and exhausted arms hanging at sides. A little smirk from K-Becks, she’s played this perfect and she knows it! K-Becks now the aggressor … backing Jenny Mac up ... jab hat was a fencing sword is now a piston … hammering blonde face. McCarthy retreats … stumbling back in disarray until back hits the cables.   Kate feints right to head … McCarthy raises gloves in cringe and Kate DIGS hook to the liver .. drawing a grunt from Playmate … doubles down on hook o liver and the grunt becomes a sob as McCarthy folds forward . Kate in unfamiliar position of playing the muscle girl getting all up under Jenny with her shoulders and ratcheting blonde upright … and Kate B want RACK! Blinding display of hand speed (especially when you realize this is after 12 hard rounds) … Brit is ‘speed bagging’ Playmate puppies … pounding them up and down left and right … McCarthy teary eyed and mouth open in a little “O” … Beckinsale laying down the “shock and awe” on Jenny’s jugs and nothing Mac can do but take it. When Jenny tries to bend forward to halt the mammary mauling, simple job for K-Becks to muscle exhausted Playmate upright and let loose another fusillade! At thirty second mark, brunette dips shoulder and stands Mac upright with uppercut flush to chin … then straight right .. straight right … blond head knocked to side repeatedly … McCarthy out of it … knees shimmy .. knees giving way … Hard hearted Kate grabs Jenny under arms to hold her up … stabilize … then pound one more right hand to temple right at the bell … or perhaps just AFTER the bell? Beckinsale throws hands up in triumph …. certain cards will be a formality.   Wrecked Playmate takes two steps toward neutral corner … trying to find way home .. then pitches forward onto canvas … delayed knockdown … McGee, Prejean and Palciki into ring to get battered blonde to her feet and back to temporary safety of her corner.

Extra rounds never in doubt .. comes back UD for Kate “the Duchess” Beckinsale.

Post fight: Sceej corner trying to bring insensate blonde around. Prejean frantic “we’ve got to get her on her feet before …”. Too late! Here’s ‘The Duchess’ … gloves cut off .. toweled down … charm bracelet tinkling and coming for tribute! Curt “Pardon me …” to glowering Palicki as she takes Jenny Mac by the wrist and firmly pulls her to her feet. Twisting groggy Playmate’s arm behind back (more to control than cause pain), beaming Beckinsale guides her most hated rival around ring for a scalding Walk of Shame … all the while waving to British fans … the Playmate bracelet glinting under ring lights. Three quarters of the way around, she stops in front of press row for impromptu interview … still controlling her Playmate prisoner.

Light hearted, joking banter with the adoring English press. In response to query as to whether why did she apparently “forego the knockout” in the twelfth, Beckinsale explains “It was not solely my intention to win this single fight – that would have been simple enough! No, I felt it was my duty to the FCBA punish this presumptuous ‘so called Playmate’ in the hope of speeding along her long awaited and long overdue retirement! With that in mind, I resolved to target that which she holds dearest with an eye toward breaking her will … permanently. (Kate call for microphone and guides battered J-Mac to mid ring and roughly shoves her to her knees) And now … doubtless many of you were curious as to the nature of the in ring negotiation?   As you are aware, I have demonstrated my mastery over these horrid Playmates and Miss McCarthy in particular repeatedly … and they have stubbornly refused to acknowledge their betters.   Now … Miss Jennifer McCarthy shall publicly kneel before me … and kiss the golden charm which bear her name as a symbol of one of my many victories … as an act of feudal fealty and submission.”

J-Mac was not so out of it that she did not understand the proposed act … dimly aware that this was one of the ‘stipulations’ she had hastily agreed to in order to coax Beckinsale into the tie-breaker … and now it was biting it her in the ass. With a look equal parts hate and disgust, she took the extended wrist and placed her lips on the hated bunny charm bearing the name “Jenny McCarthy”.    Face reddening with same and fury, she blinked as the flash of the cameras ringside blinded her.

“ … and now that we have established a sense of social order, there remains but one thing to do …” droned the imperious Brit. Without warning and lightning quick, K-Becks whirled and crashed her taped fist into the jaw of the unsuspecting J-Mac. The blonde wavered a moment and then feel face forward to the canvas like a tree hit by lightning. “… and that …” the brunette finished “ … is to make good on my vow … I would not leave the ring until I had knocked her out cold! My work here is done!”

Post fight medical: preliminary x-rays suggest that Jennifer McCarthy may have suffered a broken jaw.