BBU & ACB present "The Ashes 2013" - Day One

Posted by Vassago on October 11, 2013, 1:29 pm

"So, the Green & Gold thinks that Delta Goodrem is the second coming of Erika Heynatz?", Denise van Outen opens her commentary on the seventh fight of the Ashes with the hosts leading the Urn holders four points to two. "I must say, I haven't paid that much attention to Ms Goodrem's antics so far. She's a blonde, that's a plus and has a cool name but other than that? More Cummings & Davies PR work, Kylie?"

"Hardly, dear Denise", Kylie Minogue responds with her eyes glowing in excitement, "I think she will become even better than Heynatz who is a bit of a later BBU bloomer anyway. I think Delta - and no offence to Erika and Miranda Kerr - is the best Aussie International prospect since the heyday of Elle MacPherson and my sister's undisputed stardom. I mean, if she stayed in UK for good, there would be nobody touching her, they would need to retire the welterweight straps since Delta would hold 'em all the time, I mean, ALL THE TIME." 

In wake of this tremendous hype from Kylie, the entire Wembley Arena wants to find out how good Delta Goodrem actually is. She easily destroyed Vanessa Amorosi back home last year and followed it up with an equally impressive stoppage of Su-Elise Nash but now she's facing a girl on a recurring high tide, Catherine Tyldesley who pummelled Suranne Jones and Alex Curran in recent months.

Delta Goodrem wearing a silver basque top, green knickers and yellow gloves. Catherine Tyldesley wearing a red basque top, black knickers and white gloves.

Round 1:
Catherine wants to impose her presence on the otherwise dangerous opponent and aims for the head straight from the opening bell, forces Delta to weave around her and spend considerable time in defence rather than attack but the English blonde's efforts meet a solid target as the Aussie singer shows impressive footwork early on and dodges the punches, responds from the side and catches Tyldesley over the top, bounces off her cheeks and manages to close the distance, sends low jabbing against the ribcage but Catherine spikes her on the chest instead and both women circle back as a result with Delta indicating she's not going to break down easily. Tyldesley reaches out after her though and keeps targeting the head; forces the visitor to weave around her in avoidance before she can finally slice her mitts and snap the head back. That gets the London crowd going but only for a short while since Goodrem whacks a series over the top and if Catherine thought she's up for a quick fight, she must change her approach since Delta follows through on the nose and wobbles the local blonde back to the ropes before the bell and has to be stopped by the ref as Tyldesley lost her footing in a desperate leap forward and nearly got caught with a precise hook but Goodrem couldn't land it in time and just barked in anger as Catherine was hers for the taking.

Round 2:
Liz Hurley realizes how close Catherine was to getting nailed with a real hammer blow as Delta threatens to do it again at the start of the second; angry screams from the BBU corner prove fruitless as Goodrem slice the mitts after beating Catherine for the first punch and just drills the English blonde's chest thereafter, clips her jaw and sends wobbling back to the ropes again. Tyldesley seeks another quick turnaround, leaps after the singer but misses her head again and eats more cleavage assault as Delta leans on her and outworks in close range, enjoys a jabbing combo on the breasts but fails to crack the English girl's chin as the guard proves solid for a change and a left hook over the top nails Goodrem instead with Catherine urged to tame her opponent by the fanatic crowd and she pummels through on the face, bounces off Delta's mouth and forces her back. She jumps after the Aussie singer with more leather but there's the superior speed across the canvas coming to the visitor's rescue and even Elle MacPherson applauds Goodrem's defensive tactics for the remainder of the round which only fuels the BBU fans' anger.

Round 3:
Both women wary of each other's skills continue to play around with each other in a potential fear of a one-punch destruction; Delta once again wins the patience battle and lures Catherine into an aggressive leap on the minute mark but the local favorite just can't land that big punch on the Aussie blonde and crashes off the forearms, eats a single hand reply on the eye before switching on the jugs but even that proves fruitless as Delta squares up to her and forces a clinch, both women wrestle each other against the turnbuckles and the ref can't shrug the Aussie girl off, gives her a warning after a blatant dig on the crotch and Tyldesley can barely stand her foe's antics as Elle MacPherson sports a devilish smile in the ACB corner. More shots over the top from Catherine, she traps Delta on the ropes but just bounces off her gloves and when a huge left hook skims off the shoulder and results in Goodrem firing away at the chest instead, things really get out of hand inside the Wembley Arena... Delta punishes Catherine's rack and turns her against the turnbuckle, outworks in close range again and signs off the round with a massive uppercut on the jaw that leaves the entire BBU crew stunned. Tyldesley with her eyes wide open, bends against the ropes and Goodrem points at her chest and refuses to return to her corner, has something to say to both Catherine and Liz Hurley and hardly anyone expected this from her tonight.

Round 4:
Delta finally lets loose and squares up to Catherine straight from the bell; furious leather exchange ensues in the middle of the ring with the Aussie singer opening from both flanks and lumping up the local blonde's cheeks in a sudden change of fortunes, now the punishment is hurting the English blonde and she just covers up after taking one hook on the face too many; Goodrem just follows up over the top and keeps drilling her mitts against her foe's face though until Tyldesley must jump away to the ropes and thankfull dodges a late hook on the temple. Delta barks in anger and leaps after the local favorite but for once Catherine shows superior agility and manages to avoid more trouble. She circles back to the middle of the ring but it's her turn to go defensive as Goodrem hops around her and sends single leather upstairs, wants to wear the actress down but it's too early for that and even with the lack of a proper follow through after the strong opening, Goodrem remains in control and just makes her rival look completely sluggish.

Round 5:
It's almost time for Catherine to revert into plan B since bullying Delta hasn't worked out at all yet as the fight settles into a tactical welterweight affair with the Aussie singer just peppering her midsection and jumping back, avoiding any attempts of turning this one around and Tyldesley just can't match Delta's footwork who shapes up to be one of the fastest girls in the division, a rare sight for a powerful vixen like her. Indeed, she makes the most of it later in the round as she finally ups the tempo and makes Tyldesley moan in pain when the ammount of punches landed on her ribs becomes too much; Delta just keeps hammering away in mid-distance and leaves Catherine breathing heavily on the ropes at the bell. Crowd silenced & puzzled by the visitor's display tonight, it doesn't seem like Goodrem wants to knock Tyldesley out at every cost but Kylie Minogue claims that her compatriot has won every single round at half-distance and Catherine requires a juicy KO to continue her impressive run in recent weeks. "But she's got nothing on Delta tonight, it would be a miracle if ever I saw one!", Denise van Outen just gives Kylie a long look but remains silent as she realizes her fellow commentator is probably right.

Round 6:
Elle MacPherson and Nikki Visser remain calm in the ACB corner and Delta nods back to them in "everything goes according to plan" manner but it's a completely different atmosphere in the opposite side of the ring as Victoria Beckham joins Liz Hurley in a furious exchange of words, both women argue about what to do with this fight; Catherine leaves them to settle their dispute and jumps early for the sixth, rushes her approach but keeps grazing the Aussie's flesh and falls for more overhand counters as Goodrem shows no signs of slowing down and the counterpuncher tactics pays off even more when Tyldesley loses her footing at the minute mark and bends forward, gets nailed on the chest again and Delta strikes over the top on the temples, rocks Catherine's head back and forth and forces her to cover up but as her moaning gets louder, it fuels the visitior into another jabbing series on the head, Delta pummels through on the nose and adds more cuts to Tyldesley's worn out face and one of the biggest BBU hopes tonight just gets clobbered in the middle of the ring with Delta roughing her up from both flanks and reeling back to the ropes; a switch downstairs follows and a series on the tummy drops Catherine' arms, left hook on the chin spins her to the side, left hand on the ribcage again and a right hook on the nose... Catherine swings back in desperate attempt to stop the beating.. she misses... Goodrem slams her on the jaw again and SENDS TUMBLING ON THE SIDE as a loud pop was heard around the Wembley Arena when that shot landed clean on tagret. Tyldesley just stays down on her face, ignores the count as Delta wants more and openly abuses her in front of the jeering London crowd. Catherine's up on all fours at seven but it's a slow attempt and the blonde girl points at her jaw and shakes her head as Liz Hurley can't believe what's happened. Neither can Denise van Outen in the booth before Kylie Minogue reveals the sad truth for all BBU fans. "I think Delta dislocated Catherine's jaw with that huge uppercut. And I mean it was HUGE!" Nothing can save the Hollyoaks blonde from disaster anymore and the ref - perhaps mercifully - counts her out into a shocking KO6 Delta Goodrem!!!

AFTER: Catherine can't open her mouth without a significant pain and the medical crew arrives on scene to complete the misery. A very strong suspicion of her suffering a jaw injury is met with smiles in the ACB camp though and perhaps Delta Goodrem does look like the second coming of Erika Heynatz after all. Liz Hurley was furious before but she just can't believe a hurting Catherine being escorted back to the locker room for further evaluation and looks at Delta completely lost for words.

"Liz never saw that one coming, nor did Catherine. Told you all, Delta is poised to make some noise tonight and I guess everyone heard that pop when she cracked Tyldesley's jaw! The girl has a brick inside her gloves!", more ACB praise this time from Yvonne Strahovski who gives Sarah Cummings another exclusive interview for the Green & Gold magazine, talking about the Knockout of the Night already to keep their fans back home stuck to the late night PPV. But even the somewhat downbeat BBU executives refuse to think someone's missing this show... oh wait, Liz Hurley's gone for a drink as ACB pulls another one back and trails BBU 3-4 after seven fights.

Final result: Delta Goodrem def. Catherine Tyldesley KO6.