ELLE MACPHERSON               NIKKI VISSER                         YVONNE STRAHOVSKI               KYLIE MINOGUE

BBU & ACB present "The Ashes 2013" - Day One

Posted by Vassago on October 11, 2013, 1:34 pm

This just in... Charlie Webster reports backstage from the ACB brain-trust meeting between Elle MacPherson, Nikki Visser, Yvonne Strahovski and Kylie Minogue.

(recording starts)

Nikki: "Say whaaaaaat?"

Yvonne: "No offence, Nikki, but we all think changes have to be made if we're going to keep the Urn!"

Elle: "It was her idea (points at Yvonne) but I agree. We should be 6-3 ahead after Day One and we're not! Zoe Ventoura is stoned back in the hotel room and some maid gave her Samia Ghadie's phone number. Apparently there's a sexual romp going on there right now and she's lucky we have more imortant things to deal with first..."

Kylie: "Let's be honest, Denise van Outen told me they think they've got a better line-up on Day Two and I fear for some of us girls. It could all depend on Rachael Finch against Rochelle Humes. And Humes wants a shot at Miranda Kerr, she will be super tough to beat!"

Nikki: "What's this got to do with me? I can guide Rachael and Jennifer into epic victories!"

Elle: "Vonnie thinks otherwise!"

Nikki: "So what? She said she supports those Lookout Atlantic chicks and excuse me, but that's one frickin' treason if you ask me!"

Yvonne: "Treason you wish, Nikki! I said that even if Gemma Merna and Georgia Salpa should win their fights, we're still safe in the big picture. But thanks to Zoe's and Ricki's defeats, we're not! And it's all down to you, Nikki! You gifted those wins away! Now you have to step aside!"

Nikki: "Says who? I don't take orders from random TV actresses!"

Elle: "It's not just her decision, we all agreed on this, Nikki!"

Nikki: "Jealous sluts! All of you!"

Kylie: "Just take it easy, Nikki! It's just a temporary setback..."

Nikki: "On the biggest night for ACB? Like you don't know what you're..."

(door opens and gets slammed with a great force)

Kimberly: "Enough Ms Visser! I'm taking over from now on, thank you very much!"

Nikki: "What are you doing here, Davies? You should be back at the hotel minding the paperwork..."

Kimberly: "Watch out, Nikki! We're not done with the Ashes just yet and even the boss agrees you haven't done the job properly tonight. Letting Sacha Parkinson back in the fight was a criminal mistake and poor Ricki-Lee has now joined Zoe and even I haven't seen the stuff that goes on there right now.."

Nikki: "Get to the point, will you? And why is Baudo not telling me this in person.. on the phone even?"

Kimberly: "You know he's ill. He's watching the Ashes back home and he's LIVID... We gave away a couple of fights and I know all about your mistake with Nicola McLean.."

Nikki: "What mistake? I had her all figured out!"

Kimberly: "Baudo has watched the tapes you showed Ricki-Lee. It's not Nicola McLean on them!"

Nikki: "No way! What are you talking about?"

Kimberly: "Baudo double checked that since he suspected something's wrong from the start. You showed Ricki a tape with one Michelle Marsh instead of McLean. I admit, they look similar but Marsh is no McLean and boy, did we look stupid because of that?"

Nikki: "Michelle Marsh? I still don't know what..."

Kimberly: "Enough, I said it's enough! You're gonna stay in the hotel tomorrow and finish my paperwork while I join Elle in the ring. We've got some catching up to do!"

Kylie: "And there she goes! Tough luck, Nikki!"

Yvonne: "Tweet some!" (bursts out laughing)

Nikki: "Oh, will you shut up!"

Kylie: "Calm down, it's not like you're getting fired or anything.." (starts out laughing as Nikki shoves her away and storms out of the room)

Elle: "She'll be back... eventually..."

Kimberly: "No time to waste girls. We must seriously do some maths. How good is this Salpa chick, Vonnie?"

Yvonne: "Very good. That Kardashian win was for real.."

Kylie: "This sucks! I thought Lookout! rigged that bout! We all know Kardashian is as trashy as they come.."

Elle: "Oh, will you shut up too! Do I smell some whisky here?"

Kylie: "I needed to calm my nerves after all this excitement..."

Kimberly: "Give up the booze, Kylie! And tell Dannii we expect her to send the Plastic Whore all the way back to Newcastle..."

Kylie: "Dannii knows what she's got to do! She will be ready! But what about the Hawkins fight? Is it really that important?"

Kimberly: "Trust me, dear! It is! Now let's look at the details.... we can score an upset right here with..."

(recording ends)