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15 March 2014 The Laura Vandervoort Beach Pounce Protocols

Page history last edited by Archer844 9 years, 9 months ago

Laura Vandervoort 07.jpg

Posted by Snark magazine on March 15, 2014, 6:09 pm

(Snark Magazine has obtained a copy of the operations manual LAURA VANDERVOORT gives to her pouncing-scouts. Naturally, even though widespread knowledge of this information is likely to compromise Laura on the beach, we feel we have a duty to our readers to share it!)

POUNCING-SCOUT PROTOCOLS

Requisites for Scout
- Fast sprint speed on sand
- Chop-blocking expertise
- Good swimming ability
- Skirmishing ability on a par with Vanessa Hudgens or Ashley Tisdale

Overview

Laura Vandervoort operates a 1, 2, or 3 girl scouting-set during pouncing operations. The following manual outlines the basic protocols for a 1-girl set: see the appropriate appendices for variations.

Your job as scout for Laura Vandervoort involves four distinct duties: search; sweep; area security; exfiltration.

SEARCH
We will download to your phone a standard area-search algorithm based upon Bayesian statistical models. Simply walk the beach, enter your data as requested, and make course-adjustments as the program processes the information.

Upon identifying a suitable target for Laura, simply text description and coordinates to her phone. This "initial contact" will put Laura at "Pounce-Con" 3, moving her into position while you conduct your sweep of the area.

SWEEP
Sweeping consists of establishing a perimeter (ie: the "Pounce Horizon") 50-75 yards out from the prospective target. You will complete one 360 degree circuit of the perimeter to ensure the target has no perimeter security in place.

In the event perimeter security is encountered, you will either "skirmish" or attempt to draw the coverage away (see "feigned retreat" under multi-girl sets. See also appendix on known beach-support names and their tactical tendencies).

SKIRMISHING
- First priority in any skirmish is to disable your opponent's phone.
- Subdue your opponent hand to hand, or chase her off.
- Upon securing victory, text Laura that the area has been cleared for final approach. This will move Laura to "Pounce-Con" 5.
- If security is too strong to attack, deny skirmish and text Laura to reset her at "Pounce-Con" 1.
- You will be expected to engage single-coverage sets at all times.

AREA SECURITY
- Laura prefers to attack out of the sun whenever possible (for maximum surprise, but also so that the camera man isn't blinded during the shoot). This means that during her attack, and when she withdraws, she herself is vulnerable to being pounced out of the sun.
- To defend against this, you will rotate along the "Pounce Horizon" to a position up-sun from Laura - exactly at the point Laura crosses the "Pounce Horizon". That way, you will automatically guard Laura's rear, and she will always know where you are, without having to look.
- Dig into the sand, watch for unexpected opposition, and wait for Laura's Pounce to be executed. Upon devastating the target, Laura will exit along her line of approach.

EXFILTRATION
- You will wait in position until Laura passes you en route to the designated rendezvous point. Wait for 30 seconds, then follow along Laura's exfiltration line. Once again, you will be in position to intercept and chop-block any unexpected attacks upon Laura during her withdrawal.

- On special occasions, Laura will signal to you to launch a follow up pounce as she exits the area. You can expect the target to be a smoldering ruin in the wake of Laura's attack: simply follow up with your best high-impact maneuver, and have fun!
- In such cases, Laura and you will switch protocols, with Laura acting as rear-guard defence and you executing pounce. Simply follow the exfiltration procedure as outlined above, and Laura will follow you to the rendezvous area.

It's important to always follow these steps exactly as outlined under all normal operating conditions. In the event of a "Broken Pounce", if the standard protocols are no longer feasible, scamper into the ocean and make a swimming escape along the shoreline.

Skirmishes and sweeps may or may not be filmed, so always look your best on the sand just in case. Remember ABP (Always Be Pretty): if you can't beat a girl on the scales, you can't beat her on the beach!