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28 November 2014 Jill Wagner vs Cobie Smulders

Page history last edited by Vassago 9 years, 1 month ago

OFFICIAL SSB

Posted by Lookout! Boxing on November 28, 2014, 2:21 pm

Cobie Smulders versus Jill Wagner
(Words: Bazz / Results: Lookout!)

Before: The crowd is loud and split right down the middle. On one side, the well dressed thrity and forty somethings chanting in unison as if preparing for the 131st Yale-Harvard football game and sipping sundry chardonnays, merlots and craft beers made only for the most sophisticated of palates. On the other side throngs of crazed twenty somethings with the occasional teenager thrown in for good measure screaming their lungs out and downing as many domestic beers as their fake IDs can obtain. The Wiz’ ringside cooler of PBRs and chilled Little Debbies under threat of invasion until the younger crowd discovers that indeed they do make coolers with thumb print access only titanium locks. It’s The How I met Your Mother crowd versus the Teen Wolf mob as Cobie Smulders faces off against Jill Wagner.

The two crowds roar back and forth at each other as if on the set of a classic Miller Lite commercial “Less Filling!” “Tastes Great” are replaced by “Let’s go Cobie!” and “The Mothers suck!” as the fighters take to the podium. “Yeah I know she’s quick, probably the fastest gun at lightweight, a regular Billy the Kid by reputation but I’m up for it. Bazz girls are all physical but I’ve got the brains to beat Jilly Wags.” Cobie comments to the delight of her peeps who roar their approval. “If Cobie’s here to get back on track she’s in for a rude awakening. She’s not getting by these fists.” Wagner comes back as her side screams and lets out howls in support of their queen wolf.

Cobie wearing a neon yellow bikini, navy blue gloves and boxing shoes, hair back in a fierce ponytail. Jill in her trademark shiny black bikini, black gloves and calf boots, hair all loose and tangly.

Rd 1 Jill out of her corner meeting Cobie at mid ring and immediately connecting with a stiff jab that sails through Smulders’ defenses knocking her backwards. Wagner chases brown haired beauty into the ropes and goes to work right off the bat. Cobie covering up as best she can as Wags works the body. To her credit Cobie doesn’t panic using a clinch to draw in the ref to break it up allowing her to slide back to mid ring. The two girls trade punches with Cobie now into the game. She’s landing jabs much to the delight of her side of the arena who shout their encouragement. Canadian shuffling and bobbing and weaving rather efficiently to avoid Jilly’s forceful jabs. Yet Wagner still able to use her superior quickness to control the fight as the round comes to an end.

Rd 2 Jill showing a lot of confidence off the first round as she saunters out of her corner. Her half of the crowd feeling the edge and letting out wolf howls that momentarily drown out the yuppie generation. Yet Cobie comes out with fire in her belly. She decides that the way to combat Wagner’s speedy punching is to be as aggressive as possible. In for a penny in for a pound, she moves straight in on Wagner. The willowy brunette hunches her shoulders and pushes out some slick jabs. Jill backing up giving Cobie her space and letting her throw some effective punches while content to counterpunch. Cobie now chasing a rope a doping Jilly Wags around the ring. Brunette working hard at getting at the dirty blonde haired vixen and while it looks to the judges and crowd like she’s chasing thin air her aggression is being rewarded by those same judges for this round.

Rd 3 More of the same between the two fighters with Smulders charging straight ahead and catching the elusive Bazz girl with the occasional punch. Wagner on her bicycle by design, slipping and sliding backwards content to be connecting with right hand crosses while on her heels. Smulders trying to body up on the lithe blonde so that she can pound away inside. Up against the ropes she’s all jugalicious on Wagner’s chest popping away with a slew of uppercuts. Wagner seemingly unhurt slips away to mid ring at will touching up Smulder’s face along the way. The crowd sees Cobie getting physical, more confident in her pursuit now, well disguised head butts, hard shoulders into jugs and the occasional kidney slap find the How I Met Your Mother crowd jumping out of their Brooks Borthers loafers looking for blood while the quickly bored Teen Wolfers bide their time by continuing their quest of accessing Wiz’ PBRs by contemplating everything from suicide runs at a phalanx of truly large men assigned to protect “the football” as Wiz refers to his cooler to weighing the consequences of actually cutting off his thumb to get at the nectar of the Gods.

Rd 4 Things are heated in the Bazz corner. Jill Wagner enduring a severe lecture from her manager and corner man Poindexter Del Crunchy. Tanya Merryman and Monica Brant dancing around the gesticulating Scotsman trying to work on Wagner as he lets a cowed Jill Wagner whose eyes are transfixed on his waving finger have it. Those at ringside catch parts of comments such as “Fight like Ellen Page somewhere else!”, “Just looking good in a bikini not a bloody option!” and “I’ll eradicate the whole Teen Wolf population if things don’t pick up!” Round begins amidst a strategic retreat by Teen Wolf fans to the point that the first ten rows of seating around the Bazz corner are now empty with the exception of The Wiz and his entourage of moose sized men.

Wagner out with the fear of God in her meets a charging Cobie Smulders with a text book three punch combination right out of The Sweet Science textbook. Crowd lets out a collective “Oooooh” as Jilly Wags lands her first significant punches since the first round. Smulders withers ever so slightly acknowledging the force of Wagner’s rally but still moves in on Jill only to catch some more punishment as the Bazz girl is no longer retreating but using some smooth side to side movements to get to the needed angles to land some very effective punches. Jilly Wags on her game now moving around Smulders like a shark sizing up a fat seal, skips to the left landing a right cross to the head. Smulders recovering gamely lashing out with the same jabs that were effective in the prior two rounds but only finding air this time out.

Rd 5 Pointy barking instructions at his fighter from the side while she stands staring straight ahead. The Scotsman not willing to acknowledge an effective round at this point in the fight as the bell rings while Jill now showing some real anger. Wagner out again with a purpose. Smulders not willing to give an inch at this point storms forward with jabs a blazing and catching Wags with a right hook as she passes by to her left. Jill in the zone now her body glistening with sweat causing some naughty thoughts amongst her fans recovers from the knock on her head and counters with a combination that slaps three punches up into Smulders face. Wagner no longer willing to back up to the charging Cobie, instead dancing side to side and circling around her. Smulders chasing but no longer able to connect with any consistency. How I Met Your Mother flame moves in on Wagner who is momentarily up against the ropes and takes a couple of Paul Bunyan chops at her only to miss horribly as Wags moves out of harm’s way with a nifty duck and cover maneuver to the left drawing some disappointed groans from the yuppies. Wagner dances, sets her legs and lunges in with an incredible jab and then an uppercut that just catches Smulders’ chin causing her to shimmy just as the round ends.

Rd 6 Wagner walks her way to the center of the ring expressionless and only when Cobie gets within range does she dance to one side and then return to her spot letting fly with a right hand that catches Smulders perfectly at left center jug. Brown haired beauty withers from the pain but turns to face Wagner unwilling or unable to change her aggressive strategy against the Bazz Girl at this point. Both fighters trade punches the difference being Wagner stepping to the side and avoiding most of the damage while the stationary Smulders taking some serious punishment. Cobie covering her face more carefully snaps off some sharp jabs but Jill is easily avoiding them now. Wags able to move around Smulders at will now. Shifting from toned leg to toned leg Wagner makes herself impossible to hit at this point. Both fighters trading punches at a frenzied pace with the crowd on its feet now. Wagner’s mostly hitting and Smulders’ mostly missing now. Wagner with a lean to the right and then back into position with amazing efficiency lets go with a right hook to Smulders’ midsection that is heard in the cheap seats of the arena and follows up with a blur of a left cross that turns Cobie’s head completely to her left and DOWN GOES SMULDERS! The How I Met Your Mother cadre look on in horror as their girl goes down on her side already done while in mid descent. Referee moves in front of Jill Wagner who has already turned and is walking to a corner. Ref goes through the motions counting over a motionless Cobie Smulders. Winner Jill Wagner! KO Round 6!

After: Alyson Hannigan and Neil Patrick Harris up into the ring to help their friend up. No real celebration in the Bazz corner. Jill Wagner letting Merryman take off her gloves while the press surrounds her. “Am I mad at Pointy for chewing me out in front of everyone? No damn way! That’s his job! I couldn’t fight like I did at the beginning of this fight and expect to win. No one gives Cobie much credit in this league but guess what? She’s tough and a very smart fighter. She shifted gears when she saw that she was going to have trouble with my speed and she almost pulled it off when I didn’t shift gears to match her change in strategy. It would have been a depressing post Thanksgiving if Pointy hadn’t given me a swift kick in the A$$.” Asked which comment from Pointy hurt the most Jill Wagner shakes her head and states “Anytime you’re compared to Ellen Page you have to think hard about whether you should be doing this.” Wagner then out into the ring with her arm around Smulders shaking hands with the rest of the How I Met Your Mother crew with the other.